Crystal Methodology : Random Musings

Target Hates the Gays

2010-08-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

What's going on with "I hate gays marrying" political donations Target? I love my Target and this action has saddened me. For a retailer to take a political stance is a little inappropriate. I guess you don't have gay employees at Target. I guess your employees don't have gay children, relatives and friends. I guess you don't have gay shoppers or stockholders. I guess none of the beautiful models in those lovely commercials are gay either. Why stop at the gays? What's your stance on inter-racial marrige? Should that still be illegal? Tell me your views on blacks, muslims, and abortion, Target? Was the holocaust real, Target? Should we close the gates to Mexicans, Target? Did the Haitians deserve the earthquake, Target? The poor people of New Orleans, too, Target? Was BP just a small oopsie, Target? Tell me oh wise retailer who am I supporting by shopping in your store? You want to donate to causes with all that plush Target money? Donate to the Red Cross, Target. Support causes for the environment, the homeless, music/art in schools - you know, non-hate causes. Did you not realize that the actions/political views of one or two people of the board probably didn't reflect the majority of the employees??? Should you rebrand your logo as a beautiful red and white swastika? Man, we all knew Wal-Mart was evil, but et tu Brutus? Where the hell am I going to shop now? K-Mart? I hate K-Mart.

New Slate

2010-07-09T02:57:00.001-07:00

Honestly, I'm spent. I'm ready to forgive and honestly, it could be the liquor talking, but who gives a shit. I'm old and I don't fucking care anymore. It's time for clarity. So, for you lay people, here's the shiznit!

This PARTICULAR blog will be my confessional blog ... probably my most honest (in terms of my PERSONAL self .... i'm QUITE honest with everything in general). I'm going to forward ALL my feelings about TV to my TVlicious blog, movies to my Moobie Snob blog, my music rants to my friend Monica's blog Kill The Mic (which is AWESOME btw), my insane and probably hilarious "rules/lists for life" blog to Saviaj Manifesto and my film shite to Saviaj.com and/or my latest film's facebook page for my latest film Crown Prince of Heaven. And that's the shiznit my people. As you all know I'M quite opinionated and that's the way it is. I have reconciled that with myself and get the fuck over it. I'm 30 and I'm not going to change. I LOVE that about being 30, that being an excuse because, honestly, I've been that way since ... birth and my niece is my fricking photocopy but WORSE so, it's probably (okay, i know it is) heriditary. But I'm constructive with my shit.

But I digress. Back on topic. Some folks I'm ACTIVELY trying to forgive and/or get over. My cousin who did a bunch a shit that I didn't understand. I'm done trying to understand and I'm on forgiving mode. I'm on get the fuck over it mode.

My ex-...who the fuck ever, who had a baby for reasons I cannot (WILL not) explain, took this information HARD for a variety of reasons. I'm done. Who cares.

To that chick who I was friends with for a couple of months, then flamed out and bad mouthed me to mutual friends without actually telling ME she had a problem ... Go fuck yourself. Hey, nobodies perfect. Least of all me. You should have just told me. I would have been like "okay, I can change this or that/I didn't mean this or that in the way you took it" or whatever. But now, I'm being passive aggressive, that's my way of being NICE because I actually VALUED our friendship and thought you would come to me with whatever problems you had, but you chicken shitted out ... hey, that's your way because you're young, whatevs. But you acted DIRTY and expected me to be nice ... and I know how NOT to be nice very well and that's not the tact you should have took. But you'll learn the hard way, but that's too bad because I'm very amiable to change and adjust to people that I like -- I'll adjust my behavoir to play less into their insecurities, but you'll never know because you're dead to me.

To the roommate that .... fuck you, I hope you burn in hell. LMAO, I'm serious. You know who you are. Unnecessary.

To the roommate that's really I nice person, but stinks and/or doesn't respect peoples stuff ... get that together and we could be MORE than fine, but grow the hell up.

To the person who .... is an idiot ... lol ... where is my filter??? Honestly, this could be a number of people, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I work hard, I go the extra mile and I like you as a person. Your bi-polarness .... less than desired.

Anywho, that's the way the cookie crumbles .... Check out my new site Saviaj Manifesto!!! Awesomeness personified! It's the rules you should live you life by, because I said so damnit!

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf ... it's soooo hard being the "bigger" person.

The Death of Love

2010-05-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

What is it about the wiring of a man's brain that makes it so easy for them to get over you? What is it about women that causes them to linger? How is that fucking fair? What is it about the universe that when you've finally gotten over someone they know the precise moment to call and remind you that you used to love them. What kind of fucked up shit is that? What's wrong with not calling ever again, not checking up. What's wrong with that? What the fuck is wrong with leaving people the hell alone. Time does heal all wounds, but time heals slowly and it doesn't heal completely. There are still cracks in the armor. There are still fissures in the facade. And pain knows exactly where they are. Exactly. Who's got some spackle?

Death of a Friendship

2010-03-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

Honestly, this has been a long time coming, but I've been too fucking busy to even address it. I'm very much a Type-A personality, an alpha female - a bitch, if you will - or at least I can be, if provoked. I've been content with that for quite some time. I'm very comfortable in my own skin. I get along with most people, but about 30%, I don't. And this can be for a variety of reasons. If I think you're an idiot, we're probably not going to be friends. If I don't respect you, if you're shady or flaky or insecure, perhaps we're not going to jive. It's not a big deal to me. I'm not going to lose sleep over it, but it seems the less attention I give to this fact, the more it irks the other person. I've almost perfected this into an art. And it's not even on purpose, but whatever. I take the high road, don't engage, don't entertain lunacy and I'm labeled the bad guy. They take the low road, stomp and throw tantrums, talk about me like a dog to all my friends, act a zip damn fool, call me at all times of night and they're the victim. Okay. Sure. I'll be that. My friends know who I am. They know what's up. They know what's not true and what is. I don't need to explain that to them.

And something that they ALL know is that I don't entertain crazy. If you've got a few screws loose, you behave irrationally, blow things out of proportion, I walk away. I don't call you. I don't harass you, I let that shit fade. We're obviously not going to work out. Not a big deal. What I don't entertain is long soliloquy emails about petty issues that you didn't have the balls to tell me when we were actually friends. I entertain all concerns from people who are friends to me. But you didn't feel the need to bring that shit up then. What became abundantly clear through that ridiculous letter is how deep seeded your insecurities lie. Half of that shit doesn't even make sense and isn't even true, but that's hardly the point.

When you don't want to be friends with someone, you stop calling them, you stop talking about them and you leave them alone. That's what I did to you. I wasn't bad mouthing you to this person or that. I wasn't going on a tirade of this person did this to me. That's ridiculous. Maybe in time you'll see that. And what you certainly don't do is poke someone and piss someone off and then ask to have your way. You are a lunatic.

Fuck off. Don't call me. Don't email me. Don't create new email addresses to email me from. I will filter them all to get deleted immediately. Don't query our mutual friends about me. Fuck the fuck off. You had a very fine opportunity to end things or clear the air amicably. I gave you 3 opportunities to do so and you shat on them. That's all on you. And now, you get what you get. Believe it or not, this is me being nice. You've met me, you know that in your heart to be true. If I was your age, responding to the antics that you have been performing, you would have fared infinitely worse. This is your last and final warning. Leave me the fuck alone.

2009: A Year in Review

2009-12-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm so late on all types of news. Where was I when Van Jones was being skewered for no reason? fucking Glen Beck. People haven't put a hit on that dude yet? And where is this 9/11 Truth Petition so I can sign it? If you buy that a plane's entire fuselage embeds itself into the ground when shit that falls from space doesn't do that ... I got some swamp land for you. Why did Plaxico get 2 years for shooting HIMSELF? That's fucked up. What's the name of his lawyer? So, I'll know not to hire him. Cheney shot someone in the face with a shotgun and got an apology ... from the victim ... maybe if Plaxico would have apologized to himself. Many DUI fuckers get probation. Fucking Chris Brown wife beating ass got proby, Plaxico can't get proby and catch some passes? Racist as NY Post depicting Obama as a stimulus monkey. Then denying it. Take credit for your shenanigans, Post. Don't piss on me and tell me its raining. Don't fuck a 14 yr old & tell me its not you in the video R.Kelly. I'm not an idiot. I've seen cribs. Michael Jackson died. Really who didn't die this year? Heath Ledger couldn't have held on a year and died with everybody else in 2009? Tiger Woods is a sex fiend. Brittney Murphy liked too much coke or binging and purging, too soon to tell. Taylor Lautner took off his shirt one too many times and 30+ year old women everywhere became perverts. T.I. got out of jail early for good behavior. Weezy prepped to go in for bad. All in all an eventful year. You have to take the good with the bad. We all came out on the other side not being worse for wear. Let's make 2010 a little bit better.

Hate On Hater

2009-12-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

I haven't experienced a case of haterade so very strong since the early 90s. I don't have time for the bullshit. You don't like me. Fine. Keep it moving. I wasn't bothering you. I left your insecure punk ass alone. I just stumbled across this Glee version. I'm not sure which one I like more. They are both quite excellent.

Zara ______ December 1 at 1:46am

2009-12-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I didn't have anything to blog about. Someone emails me this via facebook at one o'clock in the morning. Half of this shit, I don't know what she's talking about. The other half isn't even in the realm of reality. I'm not even going to bother clarifying which is which. Just read it as a good ole fashion piece of fiction. And word to the wise, don't email me arguments when all you have to do is pick up the phone. I show them to people ... to laugh ... because I'm mean. Living abroad and being an ex is your only pass on this issue. Fucking ridiculous. I hesitated to even post this, but then ole chick pushed me over the edge talking MORE bullshit after this. When will people learn? Oh well. [UPDATE: I'm taking the video out because it's random and a little extra mean, even for me. You don't need to know what she looks like, only that she is bat shit crazy. The letter stays untouched, warts and all.]

I just wanted to make a few things clear since i never did and it still bothers me.

First of all, when i met you, i really did like you. it was really fun hanging out with you and talking and drinking and doing all the things friends did with each other. i really felt that we would be friends for a long time, and that made me pretty happy. it really was a blast going out, or even hanging around your apartment and watching tv and just laughing. just laughing with you was one of the things i enjoyed the most. then something happened.

i felt that the more i got to know you, and the more comfortable we felt with each other the more you criticized me. I smoke, have for a long time, if you really cared and felt that you wanted me to stop because it is unhealthy then a conversation would have been acceptable. instead, you made snide remarks about me smelling or made a condescending look at me if i lit up. look, i'm an adult, and i make my own decisions. like i said before, if you felt concerned and had a talk with me i would respect that, but making those comments, or even gestures like waving your hand in your face or giving me gum or mints was just plain rude. i am not a child and you are not my mother. i didn't say anything because you can be quite intimidating and for my own personal reasons, i do not like confronting people i am close to because i don't like to lose relationships. i guess i lost the relationship this time because i didn't speak up.

i feel like besides the smoking thing you would criticize me on other things like my shoes or clothes. like i said, i am an adult, i don't need someone to constantly make judgments about the way i dress myself or the actions i take. one joke here and there but all the time? especially because i know if i had ever criticized even jokingly the things you wear, you would have a fit. i just know it. and i didn't because a) i didn't really think about it and b) i find it to be totally unnecessary.

You overreacted in a lot of situations and i felt that you were angry which in turn put me in an angry mood. you got way too mad about the casting situation with rodolfo and in fact caused a huge fight between the two of us. we got over it that night, but you were still angry. so much in fact, that you said some hurtful things to me like " i don't ever want to hear about him, not even his name, OR THE FUCKED UP SITUATION YOU GUYS HAVE." I mean, you really took it harsh. First of all, you were saying that "we were taking MONEY away from you" because your name is attached to the project. As i remembered correctly, you did offer your help, but I know for a fact that I never hired you as our casting director. How did it turn into that? You completely took control over that. Yes, i really do sincerely apologize that I put you in that position, but your reaction was completely out of line. It was just too much.

There are a few more situations that I can mention but to be honest, its just too much to list. I can't believe i've written this much already. But i think the last things that happened that really put me over the edge were: the noney thing, my relationship with jani and you coming to my house when you wanted to eat fish tacos. When you asked me for Noney's availability to shoot your project, you were extremely pushy. I felt like I was working for you but i wasn't. it seems to me when you are doing someone a favor that you should treat them a little more nicely than demanding someone else's work schedule. from the beginning you should have asked for her number, instead you somehow made me the middle man and got angry with me, yes angry, because i didn't find it out. Excuse me? how is that appropriate? it is not. The second thing was Jani. Why did you make claim to him? We became friends and thats that. If you and him are friends or are not friends it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Third, when you came over to have fish tacos. Well, this thing, is very minor, but it was just the needle to break the camel's back. i had only a few (literally) hours sleep. You came over to eat, i said i didn't have money but you came over anyway. You came and asked for lotion, which i never have and you got ANNOYED with me because i didn't have it?!?! then you made fun of my shoes and we went to eat. you got ANNOYED with me because i wore my sunglasses inside (even though i explained that i felt like shit and didn't want anyone to see me) and you didn't even offer to buy me a $1.50 fish taco even though you pulled me out of bed. Once out, you made a comment about how nasty it is that someone was smoking and i was just over it. I don't want negativity in my life. i want to be happy. i have enough of my own struggles and can't be around a judgmental person anymore.
Crystal, I know this may be difficult to read, but i really do have to say this, at least for my own sake. I feel that i've been holding onto this for so long. I really cared about you. And i fear that a lot of this hatred comes from insecurities. Listen, i get it. I have my own shit, and i know that it comes out in bad ways. But, there are certain things that are unacceptable and do push people away. For some reason you stopped talking to me, i don't remember doing anything to you, but i'm sure you have your reasons. I really hope that if there is something wrong that you do get better because i know you aren't just this mean person, i know that you can be caring. I really do hope that things get better and i really would want to be your friend in the future, but not a relationship like this anymore.

Thanks for reading and take care.

zara

Ode to Jean Val Jean - Emmanuel Delcour

2009-11-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Jean Val Jean:

We have only just met. I noticed your tardiness on Chef Academy as well as your sweet smile and nonchalance. With each passing indiscretion, you left your fellow classmates wondering who is this douchebag? But my feelings never wavered, you would never keep me waiting would you Jean Val Jean? But their annoyance of you caused them to goggle your birth name - Emmanuel Delcour and low and behold, the great Jean Val Jean was outed to the world. Porn Star Extraordinaire. How your presence has evaded me this long, I am uncertain, but it was destined that we should meet. I watch anything Bravo deigns to create. Your talents could only have gone unnoticed so long. Award winning adult star, great practitioner of analingus, body builder, graphic artist and fabulous chef. Beautiful, graceful ... who wouldn't want to take you home to mom? Hey mom, my baby daddy cooked, designed my website and one sheets, ran 5 miles and gave me 5 wicked orgasms today. What did you do today mom? Huh, what?

Oh Jean Val Jean, how you have my curiosities peaked. What is there to the art of analingus? Until today, I had never heard the word. It sounds so much nicer than tossing salad. How do you like your anus prepped? I imagine there is a bit of waxing and perhaps a spot of bleach. One doesn't want to stick a hairy two-toned sphincter in someone's face. That is just rude. What's your stance on enemas? Kills the spontaneity perhaps, but one doesn't want to catch hepatitis or pink eye for that matter. What flavors do you desire Jean Val Jean? Raspberry jam, caramel, white chocolate, lime sorbet? Might I suggest Nutella or would the color be off putting? Maybe you prefer the sweating, musky natural flavor (eau de female). Eureka, butterscotch. What's good enough for Chef Novelli is good enough for me. And as we're making sweet, sweet love (after the Quest Diagnostics full blood work up and a HPV vaccine (for you and me) - Thanks Dr. Drew for the heads up) please whisper those lovely words into my ear in that heavy French accent ... "no comment". Aw, i melt, i die, i melt.

Top 16 Types of Family Members to Complete Your Family Tree

2009-09-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

16. The Nomad -- graduated from highschool and never came back, has lived in foreign countries and all over the U.S.

15. The Trailblazer -- first do anything, first to leave hometown, first to go to college, first to own a home, first on the moon.

14. The Mooch -- always wanting to "hold" some money.

13. The Braggart -- will hold a press conference to show you their new whatever, always wants to tell you how much things cost

12. The Hater -- doesn't like to see ANYONE do well, won't wish anyone well

11. The Cook -- everyone wants to gather/eat at their house. Good food/good hospitality.

10. The Nerd -- smarter than everyone else, either flaunts it obnoxiously or hides it/is embarrassed by this fact (or by your ineptitude)

9. The Brat -- spoiled & entitled beyond belief, truly to the point of delusions of grandeur about their own self importance.

8. The Town Cryer -- can't hold water. Your secret is everyone's business. General gossipness, nosiness and malaise.

7. The Straight Arrow -- good credit, sound business/life advise. generally accompanied /w a superior attitude & i told you sos

6. The Halfzie -- Take ur pick on the mix,noone is racially pure. Halfzies are either gorgeous or ugly 50/50 split.Identity crisis 2 follow.

5. The Gay -- homosesuAL or lesbo, this person has been outright or suspected of or well hidden gay since birth. Get over it.

4. The Law -- this person gravitates toward rules (if only to break them): i.e. Po-lice, lawyer, FBI, CIA, MP, Firefighter

3. Bat Shit Crazy -- nonfunctional semi-homeless,severe emotional problems, may or may not have been assaulted in youth,general nonsequitors

2. Looney Tunes -- functioning crazy, bipolar/depressed, heavily medicated, overly sensitive, general nuts, but still works/drives

1. The Jailbird -- in/out of jail habitully,may or maynot be violent,genius or stupid, always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time

Real Housewives of Late Night.

2009-09-15T11:41:00.001-07:00

Kids Cry Blood, Are Not Superheroes (Yet)

2009-09-03T13:56:00.001-07:00

Kids Cry Blood, Are Not Superheroes (Yet)

Shared via AddThis

Chris Brown on Larry King

2009-08-31T17:06:00.001-07:00

Liar liar pants on fire.

Jesus' Facebook Page

2009-07-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

These fake facebook pages have been popping up all over the web and I thought I would post one of the funny ones.

Jesus' Facebook Profile -

Chef Gwyneth Paltrow Roasts Your Chicken

2009-07-23T12:04:00.001-07:00

Yes, I do like my A-List celebrities to distribute their own cooking videos. This is not weird at all. Next stop, Celebrity Vet with Brad Pitt and Maddox. Apparently Goop is a website where she shares her recipes and perspective on life. I don't really know what. I haven't explored it yet for reals.

Joe Jackson: Patriarch or Domestic Terrorist

2009-07-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Is this dude for real? First of all its not 1975. I don't know how many times I can be called a jive turkey and not start rolling around on the floor laughing. And who segways into slavery as a reference point for child rearing? What is he talking about? I tell you who needs his own reality show, its not Terrell Owens, or the Gosselin twins or even Paris, Prince & Blanket Jackson: it's Papa Joe. Then we can really see what's what.

Chris Brown Faux-pology

2009-07-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

This is Chris Brown's "heartfelt" apology he issued to get his career back on track. There is no doubt in my mind that this jackass is not sorry and would have continued on this behavior if he had not been so publicly caught. Only time will tell if he is truly done laying hands on women. I sincerely hope that I am wrong.

Michael Jackson Pepsi Commercial

2009-07-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

Infamous commercial where Michael Jackson's hair caught afire. This is horrible.

Happy Birthday

2009-07-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

Short Film I did a million years ago.

A man's smart mouth gets him a beat down for his birthday. On the eve of his next birthday, he hilariously tries to avoid conflict to no available. Happy Birthday chump. How about a knuckle sandwich? What's in the box? Directed by Crystal Holt

Starring Steve Best, Caitlin Emmons, Nathan Caan, Kevin Hope & Brad Stevens.

Nyle -- Let the Beat Build

2009-07-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

Check this guy Nyle out. @Talib-TIRM hipped me to him. You can follow him on Twitter for all your hip hop needs. This video is awesome and the build is magnificent.

Eminem's Beautiful Video

2009-07-06T10:34:00.001-07:00

Ode to Detroit

Michael Jackson's Last Rehearsal Footage

2009-07-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Too soon. Taken too soon!

Drake's Video for Best I Ever Had

2009-07-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

Get out your cereal cause here comes the milk.

Big Mouth

2009-06-27T15:13:00.001-07:00

Nobody likes a big mouth, well men like a big mouthed woman -- I never quite understood that until I realized that men see your mouth as a resting place for their penis. All I see is soup coolers and huge chompers -- the last place I would think a penis would want to go, but whatevs. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about gossips. Nobody likes a gossip whore. If we're traveling in the same circle and one of our friends is telling me MY OWN business before I've gotten the chance to tell the story ... we got a problem. If I'm in the middle of a business tiff with someone and a third party comes up to me "covertly" asking if everything is alright, we've got a problem. I know that it is you. I have asked you not to behave in this fashion and that I do not appreciate it. We shall see if this damn that is your mouth will hold, otherwise, I will have to adjust. That is all. Good day sir.

Michael Jackson Dead at 50

2009-06-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack yesterday @ approximately 3 p.m. in Los Angeles. The world wept. He was a lot of different things to all of us, but there is no denying his talent and his legacy. He will live in our hearts and minds until our end of days. Jackson defined and shaped my adolescence (and millions more) through his music. He will be greatly missed. Our condolences go out to his family and loved ones. It will surely come to light on why the King of Pop was taken from us so young. I hope he is in a better place. Rest in Peace Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson YouTube Channel

http://www.youtube.com/user/michaeljackson?blend=1&ob=4

Michael Jackson Playlist

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/16874723339?gclid=CK3U-vTPqJsCFRwDagod7AI8CA

911 Call

http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/062609_michael_2.mp3

Fairy Tale Generator

2009-06-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

I stumpled upon a Fairytale Generator. You click random boxes and it gives you a story. Enjoy.

The Mouth in the Mountain

I stepped outside with father's boots on, feeling the heaviness of his feet in mine. The people in my country's soil then clawed into his boots and pulled me down until I could no longer breathe in anything but dense thick soil and earthworm particles traveling into my mouth. The spirits of my land traveled through me as well. They drifted in and out of my body, trading places and laughing, laughing at me and my sad predicament.

She stood tall and menacing in her fire-infused robes. "Where are you from," her tongue flickered when she spoke, "and where do you think you are going?"

When I turned around seeking an open pathway, I was surprised to find that the stream surrounded me on all sides. The serpent from across the way beckoned me with his tongue, unfurling it out over the water. The tongue almost touched my shoes "If you need to get across, walk over on this. But please walk gently, for if you don't you may slide and fall off, and no one will ever find you again."

The men of the earth hungered for my people's flesh. If I did not provide them with a sacrifice to abate their sorrows, they would take my body and walk amongst my people like one of the undead. They would find ways to sip their lives into their own empty souls.

I fled, I fled so fast that my feet did not feel the ground. Instead they chafed the cold breeze as my heels vibrated like wings of locusts and dragonflies.

When the people of the soil touched my feet they fell back into the ground with shrieks and cries. Now I could reach the top of the mountain without fear of falling down.

As I approached the top of the mountain a white spectacle blinded me for an instant. When I blinked again I saw a white dragon shifting over the mountain like a layer of foam riding ocean waves. I could tell by its movement that it was a territorial creature; I could tell that it would fight me before allowing me to press further.

Before I entered my home my brothers came out, and, thinking I was a peddler, asked how much the jade I carried was worth.

My lying brothers cried when they were forced to walk on the ground without their leather bottomed shoes. I watched as they, like my father had once, were swallowed by the ground and mouths hungry for stinking flesh.

I was offered a place in the palace, but I could not accept. I wanted to be with the mountain; I felt it move under my skin as I knew part of me was in the mountain too.

That was mine, try your own.

http://www.brown.edu/Courses/FR0133/Fairytale_Generator/gen.html

Drake Fever

2009-06-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

Are we about to catch Drake fever? This Canadian import was on stage with Weezy back in March only to be a headliner in this upcoming tour with Wayne, Young Jeezy and Soulja Boy Tell Em. He's on stage with Jamie Foxx on Conan. He's one of Rihanna's rumored paramours. His song Best I Ever Had is blowing up the radio. He's one of the FEW proven people who can rap AND sing ... T-Pain, sorry dude ... I don't place you in this category. He's hot AND he's the one thing Weezy is not ... TALL. And if you've ever seen Degrassi High: The Next Generation, you already know him. And with Chris Brown having vacated the spotlight amid that colosal scandal, America is in need of new light skinned brotha. Let's hope this boy knows how to keep his hands to himself.

Decade of Dong

2009-06-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

What is it about exposed vagina that is so sexual? More importantly what is it about exposed penis that is so funny. More and more actors going for the full frontal in comedies for the laugh (Viva Judd Apatow). I went to a screening of the film Couples Retreat last night and Carlos Ponce (a very buff version of Lindsay Price's contractor boyfriend in Lipstick Jungle) played a yoga instructor that rocked some wicked shiny speedos that didn't leave you wondering whether or not he is circumcised. Then he proceeded to hump every member of the cast -- literally. At one point, his genitalia was placed repeatedly on one of the actresses spread eagle style vagina. Just imagine if you had a sandwich (penis) that was wrapped in a napkin (speedo) and you placed that sandwich on the counter (vagina). Okay, now pick up that sandwich ... then place it on the counter again ... and pick it up ... then put it down ... then pick it up .... now put it down. Now blow up that image in your head up 1000%. Now, you're in the ball park of what I'm talking about. I shutter to think what we'll find funny in 2020 ... insertion shots. Guffaw, guffaw! If Couples Retreat were a Judd Apatow film, we would have seen Faison Love from the front. More cock never hurt anybody

BEP: Hip Hop or Hip Not?

2009-06-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

Are the Black Eyed Peas still considered hip hop? Should they be? I know they were back in the 90s BEFORE Fergie joined the group. But can they still claim that title? Is having minority members and having a hip hop lineage enough for you to still be claiming and repping the genre? I think they have gone past straddling the fence, melding genres and crossing over. I think they have hurdled the fence and now strickly reside in pop land. There isn't anything wrong with that, but lets call a spade a fucking spade.

Eminem @ the MTV Movie Awards

2009-05-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

Was it me or did Eminem look like a wounded animal during his performance at the 2009 MTV Movie Awards. Gone is the temperamental brat with the swagger. He is but a shell of a man now. And I believe he was lip singing. And he looked petrified. Could that cap get any lower on his head? He's still not 100%. That's okay, Em, we'll wait.

Oh Yeah, Sacha Baron Cohen put his butt in Em's face. What kind of stunt was that? Remember when Em didn't pull publicity stunts. Remember when his fuse was short and his personality garnered all the press one would ever need. What's up with signing up to have Borat's ass in your face voluntarily. What is that? For a rapper? Strange. Very, very strange.

Spectacular ... ly Gay

2009-05-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

Why does the dude I like from Pretty Ricky gotta be making half nekked videos grinding, calling out grown dudes about his superior grinding skills. What kind of gay jr. high school challenge is that? Hopefully he was drunk when he posted this. I'm going to chalk this up to their lack of education. Did he not realize the backlash of this absurd post was going to be severe and skew in this direction. Wow, I can really pick em can't I.

check it out here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlNZzXlV2g0

The Purple One

2009-05-08T13:06:00.001-07:00

Okay. So, I should haven't written this like 2 months ago, but whatevs. Yall know I was making my thesis. Anyway, I went to the Prince concert in LA. I hate LA. So, of course the tickets were like $100+ because it's fricking Prince. I'm game. This should weed out the non-believers, right? Nope! This is LA, the land of the rich. A sold out concert where tickets went all the way up to 350-400 bucks was chocked full of posers - folks that didn't know a Prince song from a hole in the wall. I personally think if you only the chorus to Purple Rain, stay your ass at home. But it rocked it out. There was some technical difficulties with the sound at the Nokia Theater (I hear that happens a lot at that venue), and like the true diva he is, he was telling the venue sound personnel how to adjust the sound DURING the concert ... because that's how finely tuned his ear is. I love Prince. He could still get it.

Ode to the Nice Guys

2009-04-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal (UPENN)

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

Radio Bastards!

2009-04-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as payola and if you believe that i have some fabulous swamp land you should purchase and build your house upon. Aparently at 2 o'clock everyday, KIIS FM or Power 106, I can't remember which because these days they sound exactly the same, plays new music ... everyday. So, all that good shit, that fabulous shit, that shit they should be playing, that shit you should be bumping, that new shit, that different shit, that underexposed shit, that underrated shit, that shit you ain't never heard before, that shit you ain't gon hear the rest of the day, all that shit is playing everyday at 2, while you're at work ... working ... or pretending to. The rest of the day they play the same 12 hot garbage ass songs to death. I am convinced this is one of the signs for the end of the world.

Eminem Sux!!!!

2009-04-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was waiting for the comeback, but man I don't fucking know. He has released 2 singles and they are BOTH garbage. Now if I listen to the album and there is a track or 2 that is still fire, I might retract ... NO I WON'T!! Time is out for the old bait and switch. The let me release some garbage with a hook to get the folks that don't really like rap. After all this time, you're just releasing junk, junking up the airwaves. Boo to you, sir. Shame on you for squandering a talent others would kill for on that trivel you dare call music. A pox on your houses. You have just written your obituary. Your reign is now declared over. You have been removed from Mount Rapmore. I hope you're happy.

Mims

2009-04-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

Folks is sleeping on Mims. I bet only fricking LA is sleeping on Mims. I bet NYC is pumping this Move song 24/7. Mims has the rapping chops of Eminem and Kanye and the lyrical content of Nas meets Blackthought meets Lupe Fiasco. But they not giving him no play on the radio. I hear this song every once in a while. It's too much gentrification on the radio. How come they playing bullshit ass Poker Face on the black station (WTF?) every 30 seconds and I can't get no Mims Move? What is the world coming to? There is nothing wrong with segregated radio. Nothing.

What the Fuck Happened to Outkast?

2009-04-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

What the fuck happened to Outkast? Dem down south mofos? Those anthem creators, those car bangers. Where them songs at? I'm listening to The Whole World right now and it just ain't the same as "me & you, yo mama and yo cousin too" or "don't you think I'm so sexy, I'm dressed so fresh so clean" or " if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit everybody let me hear you say oh yeayer!" They just went and got too weird and too P Funk or something. I guess Andre 3000 thought he was Ceelo. But what folks don't realize is Ceelo was ALWAYS that weird. Andre 3000 grew into being weird. It just isn't the same. I want my old Outkast back. Man am I kicking myself for not having gone to an Outkast concert before 2000. I ain't saying that folks can't grow, but grow into something good, grow into something better than you were, grow into something I actually want to listen to.

Poker Her What?

2009-04-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

If I hear Pokerface one more time, I'm going to murder someone and I just might be first on the list. I HATE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!! It is so stupid. This chick is actually a classically trained musician who (though I have yet to see this) has talent to spare. But apparently there is no accounting for taste and/or lyrically content. I'm calling radio silence until they put some real shit on the air.

Flo Rida's Music is an Abomination!!!!

2009-04-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

Flo Rida has apparently created a new genre of rap/pop (i used to think that pop/rock was a genre because in the record store they lumped pop and rock together. they should have just called it the white people section). I'm going to crown Flo Rida the king of this blasphemous cancerous freak of nature. How do you get rap / pop, you ask? Well, you take a hard core looking black dude from the hood with actual MC skills and you slather a sugary sweet cross over hook sung exclusively by white white women (and/or white sounding black chicks), steal hooks from the 80s and voila, you have radio garbage. Enjoy having your ears bleed.

Everything I Learned, I Learned from Anime

2009-04-02T16:50:00.001-07:00

I shall not take credit for this. I found this on the interweb and thought it was funny.

War sucks.
You CAN have too many women.
Smart people wear glasses.
Music foreshadows plot.
The less you care about sex, the more opportunities you'll get.
(Inversely, the harder you try, the less you'll get.)
When you die, make a long speech, and don't finish the last sentence.
Snow means love.
The best teams come in fives.
In space, you can hear everything.
There's always room for flashbacks!
When in China, listen to your tour guide.
The good guy always has the BLUE glow.
Speak quietly, pilot a big mech.
Believe in goddesses.
Teachers have excellent aim with small objects.
Vengeance with a mallet is the sweetest revenge of all.
Honor is sexy; villainy is irresistible.
Women are attracted to losers; men are attracted to ANYTHING.
The coolest weapon is still the sword.
The hero is never really mad until they hurt his girlfriend.
Female androids are sexy; male androids are....male androids.
The green-haired alien girl will always betray her people for the man she loves.
School uniforms are cool only when the collar is open.
A show without sexual tension isn't worth watching.
Love knows no race, species, or logic.
If it's homemade but tastes bad, grin and bury it (discreetly).
Never trust a huge corporation.
Romance never comes simpler than in a triangle.
Never fall for the girl who names her mech with a French name.
Never fall in love with a psychic.
You can never have too much hair.
Sweating is a sure sign of stress.
Daydreaming leads to accidents.
Everyone wants to conquer Japan.
The cute, fuzzy creature isn't what it seems.
Cherry blossoms mean nostalgia.
Always take gravity into account.
Settings and faces are self-generating.
Losing your temper can be therapeutic.
There's nothing sexier than high heels on a mech.
You can never have too many subplots.
If she sings, she's doomed.
You always remember the sad endings.
Double suicide is romantic.
Outrageous vehicles only make the hero cooler.
Nothing delays romance like unruly neighbors.
Fancy ice cream is for girls only.
The most virtuous character will die.
Hot water has innumerable benefits.
No matter how much blood is lost, no one can die by a nosebleed.
(The same theory above applies to vomiting.)
The girl with the curly hair is always the seductress.
If a sister falls in love with her brother, somewhere down the line you will discover that they're not blood related.
The guy in the baseball cap is always more powerful than he seems.
All demons/monsters have enormous genitalia.
All young children can pilot mecha, you just need to give them a few days.
It is possible to incorporate martial arts into any aspect of life.
All high school kids in Japan have parents that are away on extended business trips.
The oldest sister is the nice one, the youngest sister is the brash one.
You can do anything to the human body as long as you hit the right pressure point.
Consuming enormous amounts of alcohol daily will never have ill effects.
All major villains either want to take over the world or blow it up.
When someone paints up their face, they mean business.
Everyone in Japan has excellent singing voices.
No matter how many times you rebuild, Tokyo keeps getting destroyed in a massive fireball.
The martial arts expert is always defenseless against a slap from the girl who loves him.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW 1: Food is a powerful motivator.
When women are sent out to fight the bad guys, there's always a hunk busily watching over them, often in secret.
The longer it takes to say what your punch is called, the less effective it is.
"Baka" does not mean a student going for his baccalaureate degree.
The more possessive a woman gets, the less likely she will end up with the man of her dreams.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW 2: The two-foot-tall old geezer is someone to be feared.
No matter how big the mech/labor/mobile suit is, if it runs around the corner, the guy chasing it loses the trail.
Extraterrestrial, demons, time travelers, etc. all want to alter the course of history by letting Oda Nobunaga win.
The fate of the planet rests in the hands of the seemingly normal high school student.
The heroine must shred her clothes while transforming into something to fight the bad guys.
True evil can never be destroyed, only banished to some nether realm where it awakes after a few hundred years.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW 3: When being hit on the head, it's the most natural thing in the world to tuck your third and fourth fingers in while keeping the others extended.
Even the bravest souls can be made weak and helpless by the sight of a cute little puppy or kitten.
Never love a Gundam pilot : you're just destined for disappointment (or a funeral).
All persons under the age of 50 can do a ten foot vertical jump from a standing position.
Never trust a guy with shiny teeth
ESP causes more trouble than it solves
The vampire isn't _always_ the bad guy
Nice things can come out of video stores that appear from nowhere
Idiot captains win battles against impossible odds
Order takeout at every opportunity--you might get lucky with a wrong number.
The police are never anywhere there is a large amount of property damage.
All high school principals in Japan are clinically insane.
All people with esper powers give off multicolored auras.
Just about any outer space villain has his sights set on destroying the Earth.
(in conjunction with #92) No other planet in the universe will be able to stop said villain except the Earth.
Any character can make a leap of 300 ft or more if given a good running start.
A samurai sword can cut through anything.
All characters over the age of 60 shrink in height in direct proportion to their age.
When uncovering a fabulous treasure, the thing will be large enough to completely destroy any surrounding structures.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW #4: An anti-climax is a good climax.
Anime villians have the best deaths.
Any love interest will always be possesed by a demon.
Mallets can be stored anywhere on anybody.
If the anime has the word "idol" in the title, then you know that it has to be good.
Takada Yumi really does sing that bad, and people still buy her CDs.
If you make enough porno movies, eventually you can get famous enough to star in commercials. "Iijima Ai desu! 'Manga manga no mori mori!!'"
There is no such thing as a public anime showing without heckling.
You can spot how popular a show is by looking at the number of H doujinshi it has.
The smartest people on r.a.a. never post, which is why the conference's overall IQ is so low.
If the lyrics to the OP song are printed on the screen, then you're watching a show that's not for your age group.
The sexiest girls are drawn by artists whose last names start with "U".
The English words in Jpop songs are put there only because they sound good, since they don't make any sense with the rest of the lyrics.
If you post on the MLs more than Hitoshi does, then you probably post too much.
The hero always loses the first fight with a new enemy.
The guys with two earrings are from the Negaverse.
Don't trust the guys with two earrings.
Any truly evil person who changes sides for the woman he loves will die in that episode.
You CAN do it, but only when it's funny or REALLY important.
You can never have too many carrots.
Hair comes in every shade of the rainbow - and we do mean pink, purple, blue, green....
The song "Cry Me a River" takes on a whole new meaning.

Other Folks Men

2009-03-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

Now, I tried to hold this in as long as I can, but I just can't. What is it about a single woman with male friends that puts a girlfriend or a wife on edge. I don't want your man. I've known him since we were 13. That would be like having sex with my cousin. Gross! If I had fucked him before, I would see why you would have pause, but I haven't. So, what's the big deal. Sure, we connect on a philosophical level that yall don't. Sure, we don't have the baggage that sex and relationships (and in some cases infidelity and/or veneral diseases) bring to the table. We don't have the hang ups and the obstacles to overcome. So stop hating on me. Stop trying to hook me up with your wack ass cousin or some random dude I'm standing next to in the club JUST to make sure I'm not trying to make on you man. I don't see him like that. All me and him have is fun, laughs and debate ... oh, I see how you would be jealous of that. Still not fucking him though, still not.

Nigga, Please!!!!

2009-03-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not going to name names, but this has been happening to me lately. Old dudes, that I used to have crushes on and maybe we're still friends today and all the sudden ... what type of dude you like and blah, blah, blah. Oh, you describing me. No, in the hell I'm not. Do you hear the shit I talk about that's not you? The ambition, the financial security, the lust for life, the road dogness, loves to travel, loves to drive, can take them anywhere, same sex/freak level, bring the passion out of you, good debater, wants kids, a committed relationship, a cohort, etc, etc. I know you heard the shit on that list that does describe you. Do you hear the shit that doesn't? That's stuff is a deal breaker. Get over yourself. No body is daydreaming about reuniting with your punk ass.

Welching Bitches!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

Fuck it. I'm going to vent. My cousin is bat shit crazy. That's right, guano. See ,I wanted to go to this Lil Wayne concert that they added last minute and tickets were going on sale at a time that I would be in the middle of a road trip. So, I asked my cousin to buy the tickets for me. I gave her my credit card and she agreed. So, I said "I would ask you to go, but you don't like Lil Wayne." Her response and I QUOTE was, "Oh, I like Lil Wayne." I was like cool, get two tickets. How much do they cost? So, we're pricing it out. I'm like what tickets do you want to get, the $55 or the $95. She says, "Oh, it doesn't matter to me." That should have been my first clue right there that something wasn't right. So, to make a long story short. When I asked for her money for her ticket, she feigned ignorance and indignation. "I didn't say I wanted to go see Lil Wayne. I would never agree to go see Lil Wayne ... blah, blah, blah, I'm bat shit crazy, buy the tickets yourself next time." This was not even 24 hours later. I have (and many others who have told this story to with awe and hilarity) come to this conclusion. She was all rets to go when she thought I was paying for the tickets. Sure pay $200 you don't have to take me to see someone I don't even like. Is this chick for real? What are we dating? Fucking? What are we West Virginian extras in Deliverance? Why would I take her anywhere except out of desperation because everyone else on earth I would possibly want to go with has gone out and gotten themselves a fucking life? And why would I pay for the pleasure ... especially already knowing she doesn't like the artist? It would be different if she wasn't the biggest wet blanket since Hurricane Katrina. I'm trying my damnedest not to write folks off, but bitches make it hard.

The Real Alamo?

2009-03-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

On Friday, I'm going to San Antonio, TX to visit my friend Winkler for his 30th birthday on a party/trip I kind of forced on him, but he gladly accepted. Because when I celebrate my friend's 30th birthdays its like celebrating my own. So, who-hoo!!! I'm also going to see my best friend from college Abasi! Abasi is my dude. My road dog. He's that dude that you can say, lets go to Spain on Friday and Abasi is already pulling out his passport asking what time the plane leave. We are going to share a room and there will absolutely be no hanky panky going on because we are too good and too grown and too damn old to fuck up our friendship, but what I envision will be splendid. See, we used to spend damn near 24/7 together in college (living in the same dorm on the same floor). So, I'm trying to rekindle the 19 year old flame. I'm talking Snoopy pajamas and Purple Rain. I'm talking jumping up and down on the bed and cranking the music up loud. I'm talking booze and jokes and silliness. I'm talking a SLUMBER PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

East Boogie

2009-02-25T16:26:00.000-08:00

Here's a little send up to where I'm from (East St Louis, Il). You gotta represent. This list was started by Qwonny (1-23) that added to by Brad Reed (24-31) then by me (32-44).

"This is for the true E.Saint Louisans." Qwonthafia Cofield

You're know you're from East St. Louis if ................................................................

1. You eat a "st. paul" sandwich from the "rice house"

1a. If you call a chinese restaurant the "rice house"

2. You used to got the skating rink [Skate King]

3. You have been to an East side game and they were fighting players from Cahokia

4.You've had some chicken wings from the rice house.

5. You used to go to Club 64 before the Mono and Casino

6. You have caught the metro link from the JJK or Washington Park station to go to the St. Claim mall

7. You have bought shoes or clothes from Hoods Lot

8. You remember when Bill Clinton came and talked in front of Walgreens

9. You have been at McDonals late night, and you were in line for about an hour

10. You visited E. Saitn recently and said about time it is starting to look like something

11. You have caught the #1 State Street bus of the #4 Alta Sita bus

12. You are tired of the Rio getting burned down

13. You used to go to Lincoln Park every Sunday

14. You used to hang out at Schnuck's parking lot on the weekend

15. You used to go to Fair St. Louis on the landing on the Fourth

16. You have been to Six Flags with Ms. Hopkins from Clark

17. You remember when Yvette Young was Lansdowne Middle School

18. Somebody you knew have been killed because of jealousy and project conflict

19. Somebody you know has been in a Nelly or Chingy video

20. You think people from Washington Park are too hood.

21. You have witnessed many St. Louis Jimmies get whooped in the club

22. You know that E. Saint Louis is in Illinois and St. Louis is in Missouri

23. You have to keep defending your town because of haters

24. You knew the East Side vs Lincoln games were the social events of the year.

25. You knew that the prison used to Assumption High School

26. Your main source of news was the Monitor

27. If you got the hookup on your license from Art May

28. If you've ever had Nero's pizza

29. You've had to explain to someone what a snoot (from Sandy's BBQ) was

30. You knew damn well not to be in Belleville or Granite City [or Cahokia] after dark

31. You were a regular in the Pink Slip

32. You know to slow down on St. Clair before you go under the train tracks cause the po-po be waiting there with your speeding ticket.

33. You have friends/family in prison (not county)

34. You've ever personally seen a dead body on the street that wasn't on TV

35. You know someone that was murdered.

36. You know people who are way smarter than you that just didn't quite make it out of the hood

37. If you go to the Illusion for the shrimp

38. If you know what Red Fox is

39. If you grew up on Pertle's Ice Cream (best ice cream eva!)

40. If you still think Dunbar is the best elementary school eva!

41. If you're still a little sad that Lincoln isn't a highschool anymore because you would never be a fricking Flyer as long as you fricking live.

42. If everytime you go home, someone else you grew up with is dead.

43. If you remember when the levies broke.

44. If you know that Crab Rangoon has the cream cheese and wontons have meat (what is the rest of the nation smoking on this one)

45. You think Young's on 23rd St has the best chinese food on the planet.

46. You know who Boss Man is

47. If (even half asleep) you can hear gunshots and tell how far away the person who is shooting is.

48. If you don't think selling drugs a big deal

49. You think everyone that went to Crossroads is kind of snooty

50. You think there is absolutely nothing wrong with being from East St Louis

NER*D

2009-02-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

I saw NERD Saturday and it was awesome!!!! Well, standing out in the cold and rain at UC Riverside for 3 hours with a bunch entitled (surprisingly overweight) and assimilated teenagers wasn't exactly my idea of fun, but as soon as Pharrell and Shae and some unidentified black man who definitely wasn't Chad step on stage, jumping up and down screaming Anti-Matter, it was all to the goody-good. This is my 3rd time seeing them and they just keep getting better and better. The first time I saw them in St. Louis at an Ampitheater, Pharrell stage dived without a shirt. Nice. The second time I saw them in Chicago at the Riveria, the Black Eyed Peas opened and rocked it, and they came on and rocked it even harder like BOOYAH! We got to meet them after the show (3 black girls in a sea of Asians) and he asked me if I wanted a hug. Is he for real for real? Pharrell for real? Hells' yeah if you're offering. And he gave me and my friend's hugs which he did not do for anyone else. This last time in Riverside (about an hour outside of L.A.) He was pulling chicks on stage, jumping around and singing on key like real performers are won't to do. A great time was had by all.

Chris Brown Snaps and Slaps a Bitch? That Ain't Right.

2009-02-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

Can't a lady give her man an STD without receiving a beatdown. Well, I guess not. We'll never really know why Chris Brown decided to dot Rhianna's eye, but that ain't right. He's going to pay for it, too - through lost endorsements, revenue, respect ... jail time. Chris Brown is not a rapper or an actor (Wesley Snipes) or an athelete (Dennis Rodman / David Justice). Will is career survive this? And so what Rhi Rhi gave you the clap. You was probably cheating on her anyways. And just because you used condoms and apparently she didn't that one odd time she decided to get back at you doesn't mean you get to pull an Ike Turner. That ain't right. I'm betting you just made a whole lotta music heavy weights mad, not too mention some rude boys. You better hope her cousins don't find your ass. I don't see anyone speaking up to be on your side on this one cuz. That shit just ain't right.

I Loved All My Hoes

2009-02-04T23:25:00.001-08:00

My friend told me that I have a habit of sleeping with my friends. That's not entirely true! I only slept with the ones that would have me. For the record, there is only one that wouldn't and even he tried to resend that offer. But alas, IT IS TOO LATE!! That boat has sailed! On to greener pastures and the like. When I go off to marry Pharrell and have little Williams babies and he produces the songs I write, my first will be about how much I loved ALL my hoes. That's right. I loved all of them. That bowlegged, 1st grade, puppy love, see you in the supermarket, longed for you from afar muther, yeah, damn right I loved him. That move to Atlanta and get a gold tooth, run up your mother's long distance phone bill late night phone sex, show up unannounced at Christmas mofo, yeah, I loved him. That knuckle head unfocused loser that I corrupted in heathen delights that tore my heart out and put it in a blender that flunked out of U of I because class interrupted with his internet porn schedule, yup I loved him too. That sophomore I molested and abused and led on and left lying alone in my bed when I wandered off into the hallway bored after 5 minutes, naw I didn't love him (but I feel bad ... way ... way down deep). That big football playing mutherfucka that followed me around like a puppy dog and fucked everything that moved and talked with that country twang and somehow always seemed to be on an impromptu road trip, yep I loved him too. That smooth faced pretty boy Arion called Gnat King Cole (Why? LMFAO, nunya fucking business) that taught me the round and round, I loved him too. That blue eyed devil with the chip on his shoulder that gave me that gift I quickly returned, yep, I loved him too. That life altering mofo that got under my skin and into my head and pissed on my soul and turned me out, yeah, I loved that bastard, too. That colleague, that commiserating, philosophizing genius cheating sense of wonder, starer into your essence cuckold, yeah, I loved him too. That road dog, ace boon coon, laugh a minute, same wave length sarcastic asshole intellectual reformed drug dealer twin, yeah, I loved and truly miss him. That gorgeous, great kisser, what kind of underwear you got on, big secret having, everyone instantly falls in love with him mofo, yeah, I still love him. That Latino, let me touch your boobies, drool from across the room G.I. Joe mofo, yeah, I love him. That tall drink of cornfed Kansas water that drunkenly peed on all my DVDs thinking he was in the bathroom, that slow stroking mofo, yeah, I loved him too. That half black, half Korean mofo that only dated Korean chicks until I got my hands on him, I loved that muther to death all night long. That chocolate gigolo that was TOO good in bed and called out orders like a football coach and flipped and turned and drilled you like an experienced oil rigging ballroom dancer, sure, I gave him some love, too. That all state track star that spread them rumors about how I ride you into the sunset, yep I loved him too - well as much as you can love someone you want to shank to death. I loves me all my hoes. Don't lets nobodies tells ya different. Word to your mummyfucker.

Follow the Leader

2009-02-03T00:21:00.000-08:00

Janie always reeks of Marlboro Ultra Lights and juicy fruit. Pirouetting through the hustle of people in the lobby like they’re cars on the freeway, she comes to the bank of mailboxes, kisses her fist to the one marked J. Ascher, enticing it to open. One … two … three hits and it pops ajar – the thighs of an anxious virgin. She licks her bloodied busted knuckle and smiles.

Help me to the door deary shit breath Delores Kravitz from 4B whispered as she passed all sugary politeness and poison apple, and Janice was off to usher the craggedy old hag to the revolving wheel of death. Digging for gold in her delicate nostrils, Janie finds the appropriate trinket for the occasion and ceremoniously adorns it on the nappy sweater of the unsuspecting Delores. Loading her into a stall, Janie pushes the door forward enough to trap her halfway in the building and halfway out and backs away aLL chuckles and sinister delight.

Halitosis Delores stands there for a minute with all her bags ready to go. She turns around and starts tapping on the door like a Jehovah witness when she realizes her neighbor left her there to starve. Janie pop locks her way back to the door-challenged woman – this … all a part of her plan.

She gets in the adjoining cell, pauses to crack her knuckles and starts pushing the door like a frenzied older sibling trying to get their little brother to fly off the merry-go-round. Delores ejects onto the street all cartwheels and flowery bloomers. Janie meets her on the street with fervor. Waving her arms in the air and jumping up and down in her orange Tuned Air Nikes like this should have been the best time of doo-doo breath Kravitz’ life.

Delores grimaces in her face like she has just escaped a carnival ride gone wrong and is trying to politely decline a second go round. She gives Janie a twenty to never be in the same vicinity as her ever again. Janie snatches the twenty, French kisses the woman on the cheek and skulks back into the lobby, head down and hands in pocket like she’s sane after all.

She’s passing me by before I can pretend I wasn’t laughing. Standing in the shadows like a pedophile, I say a little prayer of thanks to have caught a whiff of her shower clean Degree as she discos to the elevator door. Adorned in low-slung khakis with tattered cuffs and an orange sleeveless tee that says Smell the Magic, she digs her drawers out of her ass and karate kicks the elevator button. She doesn’t even glance in my direction as I enter after her not uttering a sound.

I stand in the corner like a kid in time out and she pushes the button for my floor before pushing her own. She knows where I belong. My naked feet twist on the floor as my nipples get hard from the air conditioning. My mind wanders to times of her mouth being the reason my everything got hard. She pops her gum as the mechanical elevator whore tells me it’s the sixth floor. I slink toward my apartment like a dog who’s been caught diddling on the carpet. She fingers the phoenix dragon tattoo on her left deltoid as the doors close.

I rub my bare belly and close the door. I slide to the floor realizing my anger is hardening my erection. I beat off like a guilty thirteen-year-old, like a death row inmate thinking of his mother. The gut-wrenching hysteria seizes my abs before the tears come. I lie on the floor like a toddler after a spanking, watching the little TV across the way. My direct feed into the seventh floor. My only link to her world.

She grabs her billfold off the end table by the door. The end table that took me two months to carve and perfect only for her to tell me it was ugly. She hooks her wallet to her belt loop via a long chain. It’s only after she grabs her navy hooded zippered sweat jacket that I realize she’s leaving.

I pop off the floor like someone who forgot to cash a winning lottery ticket. I wipe my cum on a palm frond and scramble for my boots and a shirt. My jeans rip on the replacement end table she sat on my stoop as a mock peace offering. I knock the piece of shit table to the ground. I see her stare at the floor on my TV screen. She grabs a book bag from her collection and runs to the elevator. I throw some Altoids in my briefs, grab my leather jacket and motorcycle helmet and run out, but it’s too late. She’s already passed my floor.

I run down the stairs and bust out onto the street. I see her rounding the corner. I head to my bike to discover my tires are slashed. That bitch! I sprint down the street after her. I turn the corner all piss, vinegar and profanity. I see her flirting with a cop and I stop in my tracks. She’s all rubbing his face and flashing pearly whites. He’s probably new on the beat because he’s fingering his gun like it’s his partner’s dick.

I prop my flexing ass against the brick wall and pull out a pack of Camels. Three cigarettes and a session of people watching later, I look up and she’s gone. I stalk down the street, rubbing one set of fingers against the wall, clinching my second to last cigarette like its gold with the other set. Ten steps later she’s ten feet in front of me coming out to the liquor store with a box full of liquor bottles and an overstuffed JanSport. She walks down the street handing out pints of Crown Royal and Hennessey to every bum she passes like she’s Santy Claws. I take a bitter last drag of my cancer stick and smile.

Five blocks later, she drops the half full box on the steps of St. Vincent. Alcoholics Anonymous screams on the marquee. A blonde lady trips on the box on her way out. She finds herself chest first in Seagram’s gin and cognac. Her thought processes are written all over her face. It doesn’t matter if she’s eight years sober or eight days. She’s gonna sneak a drink.

Janie is already crossing the street not bothering to look both ways like somebody should have taught her. A cab almost hit her and the driver honks the horn at her like she should care. She flips them off and the driver gets out of the car. She hears the door slam and turns around. A what the fuck are you going to do little man look is smeared all over her face. He gets back in the car.

She backs away to the sidewalk, watching me stand in the middle of the street. Her long dark curls dance in a breeze only she feels. The evening sun frames her eyes like the mask of Zorro. She stares at me in annoyance. She stares at me in indifference. She stares at me like she didn’t know I was there. She turns around and runs like a spy trying to evade capture. I run after her like a dog chasing the car of his owner, like a kid who doesn’t want to be left behind. She runs into Morty’s Jesuit Hospital. I arrive in the elevator bank in time to see the doors closing, framing her flipped bird.

I watch what floor the elevator stops on and head to that floor. The tenth floor turns out to be the lung cancer ward. Two chatty Cathy nurses head my way and I dart in the first unlocked door. Dr. Seymour Fitztakuffs is cranked back in his desk chair sawing logs. His hand has been under his law library lamp so long it’s turning red. I hang my leather jacket on his coat rack and slip his lab coat over my You’re not my mother … quit fucking up my life T-shirt. I put his stethoscope on my ears and head out.

I creep into the ICU with a chart I snatched off some stiff’s bed in the hall. All the curtains are drawn back and all of the patients are standing in the middle of the room, circling Janie like sharks. She’s got an air mask on taking hits of oxygen. She opens her backpack and drops it to the floor. All brands of cigarettes tumble out and the patients scramble to obtain their specific brand. Janie crawls on the nearest bed, lies back as if in post coital bliss and inhales deeply.
A brunette bombshell with porn star hooters tugs on my sleeve. “That’s sick,” she says wheezing from Emphysema, speaking of the spectacle of patients.

“Sure,” I say into her breasts.

“They give me two weeks,” she utters in a raspy whisper, placing my hand on her chest.

“I may not have that long,” I say.

“That’s a shame,” she says dragging her oxygen tank and me into the handicap bathroom. She ruffs me up against the wall, stealing harsh kisses. She pushes me onto the toilet and I almost fall in. She drops to her knees. She fingers my nametag with one hand while fingering my crotch with the other. “You’re not Dr. Fitztakuffs,” she says squeezing my crotch tighter in her hand. “I know him.” She puts her air tube on me. I inhale and my eyes roll in my head. “Nice, huh.” I nod in ecstatic agreement.

She proceeds to do the only interesting business to be done on your knees. “Mint,” she giggles hoarsely after her first effort at deep-throating. I pull up my shirt and place the stethoscope on my chest, my heart screams to escape. I rub her head, put the stethoscope to her cheek, lean back on the cool porcelain and try to live in the moment.

I’m just about ready to blow when Janie opens the door laughing at some joke I never heard with an empty water gun in her hand. She takes in the scene like a FBI agent weary of the job. She slams the door. Porn star is too engrossed in the job. She’s still busy bobbing and weaving like a pro when Janie returns with a loaded water pistol and douses my face. I only have to lick my lips once to realize it’s urine.

I knock two-weeks girl to the floor while blowing my load. It must have looked like a porn version of the Matrix. I run after her, pants around my ankles, wang knocking around my navel like a dog with its head out the window. The death row inmates are too busy getting their nicotine fix to applaud me on my ample member. I pick up my pants and my pride and run to the elevator. I hit the button and the elevator doors pop open. I head to the stairs.

She is taking the stairs flights at a time like a trapeze carnie whore. I’m taking the stairs five at a time; its my twenty-fifth step and my lungs are an inferno. She’s out the ground floor door and out on the street. I burst into the night right into a full frontal assault. “Ahhhhhhhhh,” she primal screams while spritzing me with pee. She spins dead on into rush hour traffic.

She scales a beamer with her orange battery powered piss pistol, waving it above her head like a talisman. She’s jumping up and down on the sunroof of a Jag, when I run out into the street screaming, “Wait!”

Gears shift like a tank, Deftones blare in hairy ear lobes, sweaty biceps and work gloves grip a state owned steering wheel. Tires screech and my crumpled body clears the truck like an Olympic high jumper before kissing the asphalt and emitting a sigh of defeat. Refuse rains down on me like comets – cool and wet. “He’s a doctor,” somebody screams. She hitches a ride on the back of a bread truck never even looking back or uttering a sound. She rides down Broadway eating a blueberry bagel as my eyes close to the smells of Marlboros and juicy fruit, garbage and blood.

Know Your Audience

2009-02-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, I talked recently about knowing who you're telling a joke to will be a factor in determining if its funny. Well, I should follow my own fucking advice. Okay, for those of you that read my blog entry "Anonymity ... Fuck it! I can't spell!" already see where this is headed. For those of you that haven't, go back a week. Anyway, I only verbally told that story to one person (Qiana). She immediately started laughing like I knew she would because "...and then he whipped his cock out" is fucking hilarious. Now, I made the mistake of telling this same story to a new friend of mine who did not think this story was hilarious and threatened to stop hanging out with me socially because "weird shit" would happen around me. Now you have to mind two things.

1. This crazy penis story happened at a joint SHE (AKA new friend) took me to, though she was not there during this incident.

2. She laughed hysterically when I told her the T.I. big bush story. Like laughing hard! She had me laughing so hard I nearly asphyxiated. Matter of fact, I called her today and she answered the phone laughing hysterically because I sent her a link to the blog and she caught the visual and my caption and her first sentence to me was "When I think of you, all I think of is balls." And we cracked up again. So, it only stands to reason that someone who thinks T.I. giving away sweaty ball t-shirts complete with serial numbered pubic hairs would find a story where the punch line is "and then he pulled his cock out" a tad bit funny. But alas, she did not. Now, she made fun of me and we laughed heartily, but I saw it in her eyes that she was afeared. It's one thing to see a picture of T.I.'s monster bush. It's another thing all together to be front row center and smell the musk of sex and genitals. Well, I guess you either live life on the sidelines or on the stage. We all know where I like to be.

Bullies Beware

2009-01-30T15:55:00.000-08:00

There is this bitchy chick at work that was about to get got. Being a bitch is cool, cause I can be a bitch sometimes, but she turned her bitchiness on me. Now, yall know I ain't having that especially if I didn't warrant such action. Now, if I did something to piss you off (which I am wont to do. BTW, why did this lady stop me in Borders at like 8 p.m. talking about don't you drive a so-n-so, you cut me off this morning. Lol, damn, I gotta rep like that?! That shit was like 12 hours earlier!), that's fine, I can take it. But when you're mad at other people and you want to take it out on me, that's where I draw the line. And this chick was like, don't fight me, I'll fight you back. Now, I know those of you who know me are like - uh-oh. I held it in. The laughter in her face I mean, well, I held it in the best I could. Who does this chick think I am? Have yall ever seen me back down from confrontation? Ever? I don't invite it, but I don't shirk away from it. But I work here, and I would like to continue to do so. So, I kept the negro-itis in check. And didn't break her off a piece of that funky stuff. When did I start rapping "Ain't Nothing But a G-Thang." You know when Snoop was still relevant. Point is, I beat bullies down, been doing it since first grade. She don't want none of this. Trust.

T.I.'s Free Sweaty Ball Hand Towel Giveaway!

2009-01-29T22:28:00.000-08:00

Lol. WTF? First off, why is he dipping handtowels into his crotch and then giving them away. He has some big balls (well, I cannot confirm nor deny this) to consistently do this and think this is okay. I'm sorry, this is funny. I mean who thinks this shit up. And everyone is talking about his big bush. Why is it all the way up to his navel? And on some side leg, too? Yeesh. I know I said I was against a man going all bald, but I'm not advocating a jungle. Poor Tiny having to wade through the weeds on her quest of perpetual pregnancy. Man, you have to have a huge cock to rock a bush that wild. Otherwise, it must look like a turtle in the grass. I love me some T.I., but this is ridiculous. I can't stop laughing. Maybe he's trying to grow it out for prison. I'm sure the reverse looks the same.

Prom Queen - Lil Wayne the Rockstar! Other rappers ... scrambling to catch up!

2009-01-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

Weezy done done it again. Have you heard his new song Prom Queen (leaked a week early from his new all rock album The Rebirth due April 7). The negro done gone rock on a bitch and he ain't playing around. He is trying to be versitile as hell and is succeeding at it. Way to branch out Mr. Carter. If only Kanye would stop whining about his heartless fiance and put out another good album. I think Mr. West turned into Keith Sweat. Eminem's new song Pop a Bottle is kinda garbage; it's just not new or fresh or inventive. But his first singles usually suck anyway. They pan to the least common denominator. Let's hope the album has some killer b-sides like they usually do. And why folks always talk about how the game done changed and how since their absence rap has gone to hell. No it hasn't. Who are you? The messiah of rap? Is this the second coming? Please, spare me. And 50 Cent is seriously obsolete. Yeah, I said it. Evolve or perish, Mr. Jackson. And by evolve I don't mean go play gangsters and drug dealers and rappers in movies. That's not an evolution. Evolve musically, you shithead. Singing about how you "get it in" just isn't cutting it! What could be more gross? You talking about stinking your penis into yet another skank invested puss or .... no, you win. You astound me with your musical geniusry. Get a knew schtick because your "thinly" vailed sex references are old hat, disgusting and not very clever. Speaking of genius, whatsup with Common's new joint Universal Mindcontrol. Why am I dancing in the car on the way to work? Who's mind am I universally controling, Common? This might be the theme song to my manifesto. Dance, bitch, dance! Now, who's your master? Crystal! Yeah, that's right! Damn, this song is a Pharrell song (no fucking wonder I love it) and the Hype Williams video is redic. Check on the link below. Seriously, I'm listening to that Prom Queen song right now. It's rediculously sick! Go cop that off iTunes.

Prom Queen link (might stop working due to copyright)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGKOpFG4VBU&feature=related

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1603504/20090126/lil_wayne.jhtml

I get it in by 50 stupid Cent

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0QdtLQ45mU

Universal Mindcontrolling by Common

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zo7FpI8MmmE

Crack a bottle by Eminem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHxdwWcWwHM

Urine Facials

2009-01-26T09:35:00.000-08:00

At the tender age of 30, I have developed acne. Great! Just in time for my prime time sexual peek. Nothing snags a hot model with a big wang like a face full of white heads. Nothing says don't you want to procreate with me like a face full of pock marks. But I digress. I went to the dermatologist who told me that I really didn't have enough acne to require prescription medication. I told him that was like only having a little syphilis. Not quite enough syph to require penicillin. He thought I was funny. I did not return the favor. So, he gave me a few samples of Differin - which in fact, made it worse. So, I stopped using it. I went through Ambi, Clearasil, Biore with varying degrees of success when I stumbled upon an epiphany while watching my Sunday morning reality shows. On one such VH1 gem, Confessions of a Teen Idol, Eric Nies (of Real World fame) the shows resident hippy was telling his cast mates (demonstrating actually) that pouring urine on your head keeps your hair healthy and shiny. "WHAT?!" You may ask. Yep, he poured pee on his hair. But I one up you Eric Nies. I remember when I was younger (say 17) my grandmother telling me that people used to rub their faces with baby diapers (sans poo) to clear up acne. Well, I don't have a baby and with this pepperoni face, I won't be having one either. I know sex clears it up, too (well, it does for me) but I'm not having enough of it for my clear skin to stick. So, I thought to myself, "What about regular ole pee?" I looked it up on google and there it was on like a wikipedia health page. Your pee is chocked full of stuff your face needs. Minerals and vitamins and crap that's good for your face. My first thought is why are we peeing it out in the first place if its so good. Well, you pee out any water soluble vitamin or mineral that you consume in excess, but that's as far as my 6 year old pre-med knowledge goes. What you do is take a cotton swab, hit your pee about mid-stream (after the toxins have already exited), wipe it on your face and let it sit for at least 10 minutes then wash it off. And you need that good old strong goldenrod pee, none of that water cleanse Zima looking pee. Do this when you first wake up and right before you go to bed. I swear its working. Don't ask me why I'm telling yall this. Cause its fucking funny. I bet none of R. Kelly's girlfriends have acne.

Oh, so you're not into pissing on your own face? Prude! Try the new Neutragena acne clearing system they're saying is better than Proactiv. I tried Proactiv and it broke my face out. I washed my face once with that Neutragena system and I have 4 huge monster zits go away. So, you tell me what's up. Well, I did that and ... R. Kelly slept over and he peed on my face. I'm just playing.

Gerry and I Take Over the World

2009-01-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

10:19amCrystal

gerry gerry gerry
draw something for me

10:21amGerry

eh ok
what ya nean ya didnt know i was an artist by the way......
dya think i was an english teacher??

10:21amCrystal

i must have forgotten

um, nobody in korea was an english teacher

10:22amGerry
true we all ahd our own devices

10:23amCrystal
and vices
like sex and booze
where are you?

10:23amGerry
eh yeah.....
back in dublin

10:23amCrystal

for good?

10:23amGerry
for sex n booze... no livin in cork
(the arse end of ireland)

10:24amCrystal

the arse end?

10:24amGerry

but definitely not for good...
well down south

just studyin
n then ill head off again

10:25amCrystal

what's your next move

10:26amGerry

s america methinks

10:26amCrystal

reallY?
you liar
where?

10:27amGerry

im thinking of sao paulo.....
or bunos aires
and venezuala
chile
anywhere ive mates

10:28amCrystal

i'm your mate
move to america? north america. the united states of ....

10:28amGerry

ugh

10:28amCrystal

you don't speak spanish or portuguese you liar

10:28amGerry

its full of americans lol

10:28amCrystal

lol
true

[HILARIOUS RANT MISSING ON HOW BAD CANADA IS, its a conspiracy by the Canucks, this I am sure of]

***********Recovered by Gerry (It's in Dublin time though)

6:24pmGerry

i can speak dirty words in portuguese

6:24pmCrystal

but americans love anything UK

6:24pmGerry

thanks to my ensemble of brazilian boys

im IRISH

6:25pmCrystal

they're faithful to those who colonized them that way

6:25pmGerry

we hate everything uk

6:25pmCrystal

true

6:25pmGerry

were not so faithful to our colonisers

6:27pmCrystal

we only have aspirations of dominating our colonizers

6:30pmGerry

and those with resources

6:32pmCrystal

of course

exploitation in the name of personal profit, greed and world domination is what life is all about

gerry, its the AMERICAN WAY!!!!!!!!

6:33pmGerry

lol im goin to canada

6:33pmCrystal

fuck canada

how dare you say that they are the bastard stepchild of Great Britain

they might as well be france

6:34pmGerry

ah but theyre so lovely and syrupy sweet

6:35pmCrystal

no they're not

they're closet racists

6:36pmGerry

ah but their exterior conceals the truth

6:36pmCrystal

not very well

6:36pmGerry

like a teddy bear concealing crack

6:37pmCrystal

and they aren't great contributors to the global community

they're the dessert equivalent of tapioca pudding

unless you count the Canadian defectors who dream of hollywood fame then become American citizens ala Pamela Anderson, Keanu Reeves and Jim Carrey

6:39pmGerry

isnt that contribution enough??

6:39pmCrystal

more than enough

6:39pmGerry

lol

6:40pmCrystal

you like the dessention don't you

6:41pmGerry

always

6:41pmCrystal

man i can't spell today

6:41pmGerry

no worries i can pick up on your phonetics

[BACK TO LA TIME]

10:46amCrystal

o Gerry, when are you going to become a born again Christian

turn straight
make passionate love to me
and my big gash as you so rudely put it
so when can have black irish babies

10:47amGerry
have you still got it sewn up??

10:47amCrystal

that you will teach phonetics
i'll sew it up for you baby
what do you say
they would be the most deliciously evil children in the world if you and I were the parents
we could start our own army

10:49amGerry
and take over canada...
and colonise all colonisers

10:49amCrystal
hells yeah!!!!!!!

10:49amGerry

sounds like a plan lets commence propogation
ill send ya some samples and a rubber glove i aint goin anywhere need your womanly wound

10:50amCrystal

hahahahahahahahahahahaha
artificials fine with me
we can have more children faster
and it won't interrupt with my sex life
penciling you into my busy social schedule

10:52amGerry
yeah we can find some cheap asians to carry the brood

10:52amCrystal

oooooo
that's a thought
surrogacy, i like where your mind is at
and we can get mexicans and russians to raise them

10:53amGerry
ooh good thinking........

10:53amCrystal

they'll be tri-lingual

10:53amGerry

theyll develop my penchant for tequila and vodka
mixed

10:54amCrystal
we could throw in a french au pair
that's a steele stomach

10:54amGerry

yeah thatll help them to integrate into canadian society

10:55amCrystal
tequlia and vodka mixed together, add rum, triple sec, sweet and sour and a little coke, you have an iced tea

10:55amGerry

and then over throw it

10:55amCrystal

yeah, a little par le vous
will throw off the Canucks, and then bam!
What prime minister? Bow down to Obama! Canada, You are now the 53rd state
right after Puerto Rico and Guam

10:57amGerry

ooh yeah and argentina.... where all the hot men are at

10:57amCrystal

Argentina is next!!!
how dare they be the only country on the planet to eat more beef than us

10:57amGerry

and then brazil....

10:57amCrystal

we can't have that
we have to be number 1 in everything
this includes beef eating!!!!

10:57amGerry

although ive conquered al lot of em already
what about salsa???

10:58amCrystal

Argentina will fall, we will not cry for you Evita!!!!!
salsa?
the dance or the dip?

10:58amGerry

both: mexico and brazil it is so

10:59amCrystal

i say we annex mexico like las vegas
let all the debauchery happen there
what happens in mexico stays in mexico
we just improve their clean water sources
enough with the diarrhea already
it's 2008[ it is in fact, 23 days into 2009], time to step it up
there will be no digestive parasites in my empire

11:00amGerry

probably have to stop the tequila binges too then

11:01amCrystal

why?
why stop the binges/

11:01amGerry

for your diarrhea probloems

11:02amCrystal

that's you
tequila only gives me headaches

11:02amGerry

lol
maybe ill stop mixin it with vodka

11:04amCrystal

yeah
add some mixer

Obamarama

2009-01-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

This ridiculous depiction of the future might actually come to fruition. Lord help black folks naming their children. Happy Obama Day!

25 Random Things

2009-01-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

1. Abnormally beautiful people are riddled with insecurities and extremely ugly people have unjustifiably high self esteem. I, on the other hand, have a self esteem level that is proportionate to my super fine-ness!

2. I discriminate against people not based on color, creed, sexual orientation or socio-economic background. I discriminate based on personality, stupidity, obnoxiousness levels, selfishness levels, meanness levels, rudeness levels, racist levels, whether or not you can drive, whether or not you laugh at my jokes, general ugliness and malaise, disproportionate self esteem, delusions of grandeur, secret keeping acuity, interesting conversation skills, personal hobbies, taste in music / movies / books (TV is a free for all), boudoir acrobatics, general hygiene, boringness quotient, etc, etc ad naseum

3. I travel a lot and do a certain amount of dirt where ever city that might be, and consequently have a multitude of friends that know certain things about me, but not a one that knows everything and I like it that way; hence, they will never meet.

4. I can see huge holes in your relationship before you can. Like years before. It's a sick gift. I won't give this knowledge out unsolicited. I will keep it to myself. So, don't ask if you don't want to know. I haven't been wrong yet. I've been reading people since 1993.

5. Men who shave their balls should not sleep with women (pornstars are exempt from this rule).

6. It should be illegal (punishable by a huge fine, mandatory jail time and that whatchamacallit that says you can't profit from your crime) to post, sell or distribute nude photographs and/or video taped sex acts of people without express consent of all parties on the tape. You may now dub this "Crystal's Law." (I just want a law named after me) But it really should be named "Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee's Law" or "Paris Hilton's Law" or "Kim Kardashian's Law" Stop exploiting women ya douchbag ex-boyfriend assholes.

7. It is often the people who don't think they're racist who are the most racist.

8. Every 100 years there are a whole new crop of people. Let's hope the next batch is better than the last.

9. Hotness, knows no race. It really comes down to some simple geometric equation of the symmetry of your face. If I did a time lapsed photo of the faces of an Indian, Caucasian, Japanese, African, Middle Eastern, Native American, Pacific Islander, Inuit, etc etc, they would all start to look the same.

10. Power absolutely corrupts. If you aren't personally corrupted, it will corrupt your relationships, it will corrupt how people deal with and view you.

11. Telling a funny joke to people who weren't there and still having it be funny is a measure of 3 things: 1) Your personal humor (is what you find funny ACTUALLY funny; 2) You story telling skills; 3) The audience (are you telling the right story to the right person?)

12. There is nothing Caucasian about having good grammar. That's a class (socio-economic/educational background) issue, not a racial one.

13. There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce if you put your all into the relationship and still had to take your lumps and eat humble pie. You are not a quitter. You're just human. There is no nobility in staying in a bad marriage. This is not 1953.

14. Behold the power of a tight firm ass. There is no greater turn off than an indistinguishable pancake-esque backside. Commence lunges and squats and stairmastering now.

15. What UCLA alum (and fellow Californians) don't want you to know is that over 50% of UCLA graduates started off their first 2 years at community college. Doesn't seem too prestigious now does it? I betcha Harvard isn't impressed by Santa Monica Community College transcripts (though I'm sure its a lovely school). Get off your fucking high horse ya Bruins.

16. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. NEVER. If you knew most people's problems, you wouldn't trade yours for theirs.

17. I know its wrong and very un-P.C., but I like using the word retarded as an adjective - not to describe mentally handicapped individuals, but to describe supposedly mentally adept individuals having a handicapped moment. Yes, I'm a bad person and I'm quite aware of my going-to-hell quotient. See you hypocrites there. It has been my experience than handicapped individuals do not want to be treated differently than everyone else and they have a wonderful sense of humor. You holier than though fuckers do not.

18. You are not as good in bed as you think you are. (This of course does not apply to me)

19. I am a very bad liar. I don't exercise this skill often enough to be good at it. I don't deem you important enough to lie to. Who are you to judge me? I could care less what you think. Telling the truth is much more interesting. If you want to lie, lie to the police. Lie on some life or death shit.

20. On the other hand, behold the power of a well placed, well thought out, reasonable lie. But make it good. Beware though because one lie leads to another like that 80s commercial that used to come on the Christian channel that for some reason reminds me of Rent.

21. I would rather have some average looking, highly intelligent kids, than some gorgeous dumb ones. You would be surprised on how many people would want it the other way. Lord help me if I have ugly dumb kids, please make me love them anyway.

22. You are not better or more important than anyone else. You're not. You only think you are. This is both an illusion and a delusion.

23. Religion is a highly personal and individual choice - the mechanisms of which should always be kept to yourself. Do not try to convert me. I will not respond kindly. This is only half true for politics.

24. Famous people never live up to your idea of them. You don't want to meet them. Be content to watch them on TV.

25. Everybody needs some me time. Some of us need more than others. Be aware of how much time your significant other and close friends need and act accordingly. Hopefully, you'll get the same consideration.

Anonymity ... Fuck it! I can't spell.

2009-01-15T01:52:00.000-08:00

There has to be something said for anonymity. I don't want to be facebook friends with my coworkers. What if I want to status something shitty about work. Then they're all why do you want to get off work early, why do you hate, blah blah blah. Because motherfucker! Because. Okay, so I went to this karoake bar that I'm starting to become a regular at. Sometimes you just gotta sing that shit out! That stress, that man, that job, that life, whateva. Anyway, I went to this bar and I made some new friends like I do. So, I made four whatevs. One chick was real cute and I was admiring her tattoos, but I realized halfway in that she wanted to do me. Okay, I'm flattered. I feel like everyone should want to do me, but this chick was hot and in to me, but I like dick but I'm still halfway nice deep down on the inside so instead of leading her on I just kind of disappeared and left all together. Wait, is that wrong? Why do I feel like a dude right now? Damn. Anyhoo, I met this other cool black guy that was a little older, not gross so, but noticeably, should have his shit together by now so, but he was always on the phone outside apologizing to some chick into to his Voyager. Okay, NEXT!!! So, while I was outside drinking all of my holiday liquor -- that I had stored and forgotten about in the trunk -- with my new friend Steve who I thought he was gay because he was wearing an ascot and a dress and some jeans, but was not gay because he pulled his cock out in front of this girl who was real cool and reminded me of Leslie (who didn't come, bitch) and sang some Leonna Lewis song. Basically, Steve was like I'm not gay see and pulled his cock out and there was a genital wart on it that he proceeded to tell us about. It was redder than the rest of his skin and it had the milky white cream on it that he told us was compound W (um, for regular warts) and told us not to fuck chicks off some website that is now defunct or some shit, but that ain't the kicker. Then with the same hand that he like whipped his cock out and stretched out to show us his potential with (like white boys are won't to do, remind me of telling you guys what happened with Trina last week) and potentially touched his wart with, he was gesturing like excited Trannys who are in full convo mode are wont to do and touched ole Leonna Lewis Leslie chicks arm and hand and she fully stopped convo. Okay, so before that we both were shocked and appauled and awed and intrigued at seeing a live and fully agressive STD in action in real time in front of our very eyes, but as soon as he touched her (which is kind of rude if I wasn't so busy internally laughing because it wasn't me) she was like, "Um did he just touch me? did he just touch me. Um... i'm going to wash, I'll be right back." And he wasn't like offended or perplexed or phased or anything. He was like I'll see you when you get back. Now, by the time she gets back he has to pee because he's been ciphering jose cuervo premixed margaritas out of the trunk of my car which is cool. So, she like talks my ear off about she's got genital warts now because he's touched her arm and hand and i'm like no, unless you have a cut on your hand or arm or some shit, and she's like I don't know. and i'm like well it won't be genital warts because he didn't touch your genitals. get a dermatologist to nitrogen freeze that shit off if it becomes a problem, but my point is what if she didn't want the world to know that some kid she met at a bar whipped out his cock showed her his genital wart then touched her arm man. What if uh, she wanted to take that to her grave. Something has be said for anonymity. Fuck coworkers trying to be your friends. You don't fucking know me. Now, my jack in the box is getting cold.

Don't Feed the Bears

2009-01-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

Now some of you know him and some of you don't, but Gerry Lee, yes beautiful dancing vampiric evil leprechaun Gerry Lee is a freaking artist! I shit you not. His first solo show Don't Feed the Bears is at the Signals Art Centre in Bray, Ireland from January 20 - February 1. Now don't act like yall aren't some jetsetting mofos and can't get away. Go out and support my boy. We love you Gerry in all your delicious debauchery.

http://www.signalartscentre.ie/press_release_gerry_lee.html

792 (I Wanna Go Back) by JG

2009-01-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

When I was eight years old I was a millionaire

You may not believe me but it is true

My uncle used to give me 10 dollars every time he came to visit

Soon as president Hamilton touched my handI would crumble it

Stuffed it in the pocket of my husky fit jeans

Because I was chubby little guy

And I would begin sprinting

Down the marble floored hallway that my Grandmother covered with a plastic runner that curled up at the corners

Around the Italian leather furniture covered with the plastic it came in

Through the remodeled kitchen with the high tech microwave

Commercial stove and subzero refrigerator

Out the side door

Because at my Grandmothers house you didn’t use the front door

I would run out to my Mercedes Lamborghini

I was so rich that I had the only Mercedes Lamborghini ever

My friends would follow me too

Ant Ant was in his Rolls Royce Porsche

Mario was in his BMW Ferrari

Dante was in his Cadillac Delorean like the one on Back to the Future

We would valet park our exotic no cylinder cars at the world’s only Saks Fifth Avenue candy store

Looking back I have no idea why Saks would put their only candy store on the corner of Lover’s Lane and Merton in Akron, Ohio but they did

We would walk in and the concierge would brief us of all the great new products

I was so rich prices didn’t matter

I rattled off my order like the big spender I was

1 peach jolly rancher stick, 2 packs of Now and Laters, 1 pack of Lemonheads

1 pack of Boston Baked Beans, 1 Star Crunch, 2 red juicy jugs

I would point to the rest of the my country club crew and tell the concierge that I’ll cover whatever they want tooI want to go back

To when 10 dollars was a million bucks

I want to go back to when we couldn’t afford amusement parks so we would jump outta trees

Back to when electric, water, and gas was free

Back to when we blushed every time Dwayne Wayne kissed Whitley

Back to when girls didn’t care if they sweated out their hair

And a game of hide and go seek was like free night at the club because every body was there

I want to go back past spades

I wanna go back to uno

Back when the biggest beef was New Edition or Menudo

Back to Popeye and Bluto,

Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd

Back before blue meant crip and red meant blood

I wanna go back to the Show, a Children’s Story and Teenage Love

I wanna go back to whenever you met a dude name Lionel

You yelled thundercats thundercats thundercats ho

Go back if you tired of paying three dollars for gas

Go back if you tired of people selling pyramid schemes harassing yo ass

Go back if you miss nap time and summer vacation

Go back to when a kiss and holding hands was the same as having relations

Go back to when you thought the swimming pool was the beach

Go back to when your mom would pop you in the mouth for sucking your teeth

I wanna go back to four square

I wanna go back to double dutch

I wanna go all the way back to guess what chicken butt

Go back to when if your clothes didn’t match you didn’t care

Go back I swear things were better there
And if you go back you’ll see that I’m telling the truthI wish I could fail adulthood

And get held back in youth

WOW! That's deep. 3 snaps in Z formation. Youth is wasted on the young.

Ode to Divorce

2009-01-07T10:30:00.001-08:00

This is not an "I told you so" or a "in your face" or "that's right sucka" to all of you who are getting a divorce that I saw coming. Divorce is a very painful and private matter and I respect that even if some of your other friends or some of your family members or their family members don't, but for all of you who are about to take the plunge or will take the plunge in the future this song's for you. Marriage is like college, it ain't for everybody (oh, yes, I was an English major suck it). Some people are incapable of being in a healthy relationship and some people just aren't going to be in a healthy relationship with you. Don't take it personal, but also don't make it your mission to try and change that person even if you think its for the better. You are not Mother Teresa. You are not earning your way into heaven one boyfriend at a time. And it really doesn't make you feel good that your ex now leaves the toilet seat down, washes his ass properly, cooks dinner three times a week and has switched his gift giving from small kitchen appliances to jewelry. Yeah, you trained him and all that good work is being benefited by someone else. I will now serenade you with the saddest song in the world played on the tiniest of violins. Get over it. Move the hell on.

We all have baggage. I know you think yours is light and its Louis Vutton. It's still baggage. Did Eryka Badu not sing loud enough for you bag lady? While some baggage can be viewed as children (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) and exes (who should only count if you have children with them thus they are still around) the bigger baggage is harder to see. That emotional tote. That gargantuan Samsonite you're lugging around from relationship to relationship. This year, I'm going to encourage you to open that hard-cased bad mamajama and chuck some shit out. Make your load lighter.

Remember what's his face that cheated on you. Forgive him. He was an asshole. You holding on forever to that hurt and that pain is a cancer eating away at your soul, metastasizing and infecting everything you do. Let it go. He was broken. He got broke long before you even came along. He started breaking around 13. That don't have shit to do with you. You're beautiful, intelligent and great in bed. He couldn't appreciate that, but that's not your fault. You didn't deserve it, but he's broken. Forget about him. Move on. And don't punish everyone that comes after him for shit your ex did. But also don't date new people who are prone to cheating, have a history of cheating and/or are more likely to cheat i.e. playas, rock stars, athletes, frat boys, narcissists. If you are already in a relationship, recognize the warning signs. I refuse to believe a woman can't see that her man is cheating on her. Either she's cheating too, or she doesn't want to know. No man is THAT good at covering their tracks. On the flip side, don't see shit that isn't there. Don't go making up problems. It's a balance. You have to be rational, but only you can break the cycle.

Don't date a taker. A taker is a person who only takes and never gives. Don't date anyone is not giving you what you need, and don't listen to your friends about what your wants are. Your wants are different than theirs, so don't get confused that you're not getting from your man what Shanika down the street wants. She might like sex on the beach. You might like to keep your hoo-haw sand free. You decide what your needs are and if they are getting met. Me personally, I like to talk on the phone. I can't date anyone who won't talk to me and who doesn't think I'm funny. But that's just me. Maybe you need your mate to be funny. Also, make sure you're not a taker. Make sure you're putting in what you're getting. Don't be selfish. That's the fast track to being single ... again.

Don't date anyone you don't respect. That's almost saying don't date anyone you don't like, but I've actually seen that work believe it or not. You don't have to like everything a person does, nor should you, you sycophant. But you can disagree with someone and still respect them. If they adore you and you think they're a fucking idiot. That's not going to work.

Make sure you're on the same page about your relationship. I got into a conversation with someone about our past and quickly began to realize that most of our problems stemmed from miscommunication in the form of us using the same words, but have polar opposite definitions on what those words mean. I come to believe this is the plight of the war of the sexes. Who was right? Me of course! I say that to say this. Be clear to your partner about what your expectations and intentions are with that relationship. Yall could be apples and oranges, unicorns and dragons. It's better to know up front and not 5, 10, 20 years down the line when its too late and you're old bitter and spent. Even if you have different expectations, when you're up front and honest, one partner could change their mind and start wanting the things that you want, but THEY have to make that decision. You CANNOT (I can't stress this enough) make that decision for them. It's like those poor misguided souls that purposely get pregnant thinking some player is going to go "Eureka, this gal's for me!" Instead, he ends up hating her forever. Also, make sure you're actually dating someone. A why are you cheating me conversation will end quite quickly if the other person didn't know you were dating.

Recognize the mistakes you made in your last relationship, learn from them and don't repeat them in the new one. It sounds simple enough, but people do not do this. You have to be a level of self aware that most people are not comfortable with. Everything is not ALL the other person's fault. Take responsibility on your contribution to the problems and change that behavior. It's like watching reels before the next football game. How can you improve your game. How can you behave differently, better? It's like recapping an argument and wishing you would have said this or that, but instead of inserted a better zinger, insert better behavior that will get a better outcome. Recognize your relationship patterns and decide if that's the person you want to continue dating. The douchebag. Why do you keep dating that same type of guy over and again. Why are you attracted to that? What can you change about yourself (NOT the other person, let them change themselves)? Recognize what you don't want. Stay away from that.

Date someone on the same sex level. This comes in two parts: 1. Frequency 2. Freakiness. These are not the same. Maybe I like to have it 85 times a week missionary position. Maybe he likes it twice a week reverse cowgirl and a belt around his neck. You have be very similar or this is going to go downhill fast. Ideally date someone you will grow with sexually. Hopefully, you will grow in the same direction. I'm growing into S&M and he's growing into men, we have a problem. Don't date someone who's going to put all your sex business on the street, and don't you behave that way either. How many women get mad because their bestfriend fucked their man, but they've been telling them how good he is in bed etc ad nauseum. Shut the hell up and no one would know.

Date someone on the same commitment level. This has two parts. 1. Marriage 2. Children. You need to honest with yourself on how you see your future. Is your dream self married with kids? Yes or no. Only you can answer this honestly. The next step is dating someone who wants the same things. Don't think folks are going to go changing their mind down the road. Make it clear what you want. If they don't think they can give those things to you, move the hell on quickly. Next. And a lot of men with kids don't want to have anymore. So, don't assume since he already has kids that he wants more. Ask him. And maybe he doesn't want to have any kids with YOU. That's not your fault. That's his loss. But don't take it personally (even though its hard not to), but move the hell on. You deserve to get what you want. Don't waste time on someone who's never going to or incapable of giving it to. I don't care how cute they are. They are not the only swinging dick in town.

Try not to date anyone who's family you can't stand. You don't want to wage war on an entire family that will last for the next 30 years. Who has that kind of headache capacity and time to devote to espionage? Be honest with yourself on how much in-law bullshit you can take and gage accordingly. Do I even like this person enough to deal with their psycho mom? If the answer is no, good-bye.

Don't loan anyone money. Not going into that. Don't date men that ask for money. Women either. It's all on you if you offer. Everyone can be in a tight spot every now and then. But I'm talking about those folks that expect that from a relationship. Stay away from those people. Bad news. Never loan money in an amount or to a person that you would get mad if they never paid it back. Don't loan money. Yeesh. This stuff writes itself.

Date someone on the same financial level. If there is a disparity, you have to be 100% okay and confident with it. This is really a man thing. Most men have a problem with dating a woman who makes more money than they do. It's a pride issue. Most women could care less IF they are a good man and NOT begging her for money. Now, if you don't care that your man begs you for money, we need to talk. That's a whole nother blog entry. But you have to be in the same ball park. The more money you make the less of an issue it is. If you make 125K and he makes 100K, who the hell cares. If you make 15 million and he makes 10, snore. Sure, that's 5 million dollars, but he's not going to be bumming money from you or trying to get you to invest in some hair brained get rich quick pyramid scheme. Now if he makes 1 million and you make 100, then you are going to see problems. If you're pulling 125K and he's pulling 60K, then you're going to have some discussions because the difference between the two is so great you're going to be able to SEE the difference in the money. It's the different between a Toyota and a Porshe, an apartment and a McMansion, first class and a leer jet. That money is just not the same.

This one is sort of about money, but not. Date someone who has similar goals and ambition than you. If you like to be top dog, you're not going to make it with a coach potato. If you're about being promoted, you're not going to like being married to someone who is complacent and constantly gets passed over for promotions. If I'm trying to win Oscars or the Fields metal or the U.S. Presidency and you're trying to move the fryer to the register. This is not going to work out.

Get a prenup. I know yall are in love now and x,y,z, but you are not a fortune teller. You do not know what the future holds. You might end up falling in love with the copy boy. You might be on some "see you next lifetime" Eryka Badu shit with the UPS man. Who the hell knows. And I don't know what state you live in, if you live in a fault state (that awards more money to the person who DIDN'T cause the the divorce) or a no-fault state that doesn't give a hoot. Nor do I know the circumstances of why you will get divorces or if you will get divorced and neither do you. You know what a prenup is, it's insurance. You have car insurance don't you? You have health insurance don't you? You have life insurance don't you? Well, you might as well sign up for some I don't want to get fucked over if this marriage doesn't work out insurance. Don't be fooled, someone is always worth more financially in a marriage. Even if its only on paper. You think you make less so you'll get alimony. You find out during the divorce, they were lying about their salary or they got demoted and didn't tell you. Or they have mystery kids that count as mitigating circumstances. Who the hell knows. What I do know is that is fucking disgraceful to pay a MAN alimony. Get a fucking job, a promotion. I think alimony is ridiculous. The court doesn't care if you make $5 more. Get ready to pay them $2.50. Maybe I wanted to buy a big mac with that $2.50.

Those are all the lessons I have for the day. I don't want you to get divorced, but I also don't want you to stay in a bad relationship that isn't working. We're getting older now and everyone is going to start pairing up and settling down and living their life. And I want you to live a good life. I want you to live your best life, live up to your best potential and I want you to have someone to share that with. I just don't want that person to be an asshole. Because I still want us to hang out. See, its really all about me.

Fuck Jennifer Aniston: Yawn! I'm bored.

2009-01-05T22:13:00.001-08:00

It's been like 5 fricking years now and we're still hearing about Jennifer Aniston. Go away. Nobody cares that you and Brad Pitt broke up. You guys were always fighting in public toward the end anyway, and this is way before he even MET Angelina Jolie. Sure she's a man stealing whore, we all know that, but that's why we love her. She professes to be nothing else. But they have kids now, like a million of them buggers and they show no sign of slowing down, and you will always be the one that snagged Brad (and rather quickly too I might add, bravo), but lost him. The chick that couldn't hold on to him, couldn't keep him on his toes and really isn't as good or as versatile an actor. Anjie's on his level. Deal with it, and no amount of John Mayer fucking can change that. You need an upgrade. Someone that's hot and young and utterly successful ACTOR like .... for example .... frick ... its kinda hard to top your ex. That's your fucking problem. And isn't it a little more than weird that you started dating Vince Vaughn, the very man who was there when your husband fell in love with his new woman. Or is Vince just biggest swinging dick of a stud around. Sure, Brad, I'll pick up the pieces and fuck your wife, crack a few jokes while you fall in love making a an action movie. Jennifer Aniston will always be famous for marrying Brad Pitt, which kinda sucks in the women's lib sort of way, and oh yeah, I think she was on some show once that was kinda funny ...

Discovering the Dildo

2009-01-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

Have you seen that old Sex in the City episode (and I do mean, old. Why is that some shows look like they have been recorded on melted VHS tape? They are not aging well) where Charlotte discovers the vibrator and doesn't leave the house for days and Carrie has to liberate her from the house. I have officially become Charlotte. Well, not exactly. It's like this. I always kind of scoffed at sex toys. Like they were something that other people did. Much like to every black girl growing up, blowjobs were something that white chicks did. Sex toys were for porn stars and shut ins, and though technically, I am neither, I have officially changed my mind. It was never a shame issue for me, I just wasn't interested. I used to buy toys for my friends for their bridal showers as sort of an asshole prank gift or the odd birthday, but I never once considered getting one for myself until yesterday.

Nothing groundbreaking happened yesterday. I embarked on this dildo quest more out of boredom, a lark, really. The Adult Boutique beckoning from across the street of my "mountain view" townhouse boasted to have the selection the women wanted. Yeah right. I've been to my share of sex shops and truly the best is on Melrose in L.A. They have some of the weirdest shit in there. The stuff you can't find anywhere else. The large sized brushed nickel fist complete with forearm. That thing is like $300. That store is in the heart of West Hollywood, aka homoville. It's bound to have the top of the line in freakery. The Adult Boutique I speak of is in the heart of the valley, aka pornoville. This store seemingly legit, clean and tidy catered not to the woman and her needs, but to the heterosexual male. Nothing could be more boring in a sex shop than a straight frat dude. To say their selection of faux male genitalia wasn't up to par is an understatement, but they did have some sort of penis chest harnest.

What is that contraption you say? Well, it's a strap on penis, but instead of strapping it to your crotch ala girl on girl style or transgendered style, you strap it to your chest. Why on earth would you strap a fake penis to your chest? Exactly my query. It's so you can penetrate the person that you are pleasuring orally. I know. I was so confused. I had to look up the stenciled drawing on the back. This was a gay man toy and I still didn't understand. I should have been tipped off by the big naked bear in the chain leather, but no, I had to get the visual. Oh! He sits on your chest and you blow him. It's a menage trois without the trois, it's a menage a deux with 3 cocks. I'm up to speed now. Well, that's the only exciting thing I found in the Adult Boutique if you don't count the hooker/stripper combo at the front desk trying to look like a customer and not an employee. I also noticed that in a red lit doorway they had a dry erase board numbered 1. 2. 3. with names next to numbers like Cinnamon and Liza. I imagined a peepshow somewhere between the sanitary version of a LL Cool J music video and those splooge stained booths of Minnesota ala Candy Girl. I high tailed it out of there. The counter dude didn't even greet me upon my entrance or exit. Fuck you whitey. You're not getting my money.

Still on my dildo quest, I went to the Romantix up the block. Hey, I live in the valley. There are sex shops everywhere. Actually, all of LA is like that. Anyway, Romantix is a chain of sex shops. Legit if you will. It's like the Hustler Club except its not attached to a strip club. I walked in the two clerks were like HEY! I'm like wassup! Now, that's service. They didn't hover me like a security guard shadowing black youths in Macy's. They were just like what's up, we like sex too, top of the morning to ya. I felt like I was in Cheers. Now, there are variety of dildos, but what I was really after was a vibrator but the step up. Let me explain. Dildos are big rubber cocks that do nothing. You have to do all the work. It's like a lazy man. A vibrator is either shaped like a cock or a tampon and it vibrates like a sonic toothbrush or an electric razor. I don't get it. The next tier looks like a power drill. This is where you need to be. They look intimidating because they're a good foot plus long, but only half of that is penetrable penis. 4 inches of that is batteries and control settings. The gem of this monstronsity is that the head of the penis rotates perfect for those of us who have a phantom g-spot, the middle rotates a bunch of beads that stimulate the vaginal entrance where most of your nerves are and there's usually some girly animal ala dolphin or bunny or butterfly welded to the front to that vibrates on its own setting for clitoral stimulation. You can set that thing on blender or hurricane.

Basically its fool proof climax. You don't have do anything. You don't have to think sexy thoughts, watch porn, read romance novels, be in the mood. You'll come in 3 minutes flat. It's like a quick and dirty pop song. In and out and on with your day. Do it when you're stressed, horny, can't sleep or just bored. The problem is, its so quick and satisfying, you'll want to it again, and again and again. It's like crack. Or if you're not a drug addict, it's like fresh baked cookies, new shoes, a new car. You just want to eat the whole batch, buy one more pair, count down the minutes until you can drive it again. Just like chronic porn ruins sex for guys; chronic dildo use must do the same for women.

But don't fear, I'll never give up my love affair with the real thing. I love the way men smell and feel and they weight of them on top of you. Occasionally, I like my sex to talk back to me and not just hum like an appliance. I like to cuddle and giggle and sleep and fuck again. Things you can't do with something that you can stick in a sock drawer. Besides, its not the destination, its the journey.

But for right now, I'll settle for the destination. Oh, yeah, don't get that shit lost up there.

30 doesn't suck, life does ... well, okay not really

2008-12-28T19:30:00.000-08:00

I've been a bad, bad girl. I haven't been on here in ages. There is a lot to catch up on. First of all, I turned fucking 30. Thirty! Thirty means never having to say you're sorry. What do I have to show for it? Not a kid, not a boyfriend or a husband. Not a career. All I have is a fucking fake ex-boyfriend with a history of pain, nostalgia, diseased love and what could have been. Well, its time to shit or get off the pot. 2009 is the year of making dreams a reality. Jeezus, this is redic.

5 Red Flags that Your Roommate has No Taste

2008-10-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have the worst luck in roommates ever. I think I am cursed. I am always stuck with someone who either has the personality of a junior highschooler or the party aptitude of the frat boy. Learn from my mistakes and watch out for these warning signs.

1. They hang towels or tapestries on the wall (same as sheets for curtains)

2. Their significant other has no life, no job, no other friends

3. They think neon beer lamps are cool

4. Ditto on lazy susan liquor dispensors

5. They think art is hanging head shots of famous on the living room wall.

Happy House Hunting and Happy Halloween.

September

2008-10-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

How on earth did I miss the whole month of September? Here's a recap. I went to Chicago for 2 weeks where upon I "kidnapped" my nephew and whisked him away from the suburbs to downtown Chicago for an urban education. Look Jaylen, here is the apple store, isn't this a wonderful and enchanting place? Doooo they have one of these in Oakpark, you don't say. Here are the lake streets, Ontario, Huron, Erie ... here are the tree streets Chestnut ... You get the picture. Shout out to the guy from the West burbs looking for the Metra on Michigan. I just remembered Randolph is a president street and I should have sent you back a mile in the other direction. My bad. Hope you're not still wandering down Lake Shore. I also went to a wedding in Atlanta where my godsister Arisha flashed my sister with polka dot underwear during the garter toss. Well, at least she had on underwear. And how was your month?

New Blogs

2008-08-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

Check out my new blogs TVlicious and Moobie Snob, about TV and movies respectively. I talk about new shows that haven't come out yet, shows that are out that you might not have gotten a chance to see and I give out shout outs to old shows that you have forgotten about that are now available only to watch for FREE!!! Free is a good word. On Moobie Snob, I will be reviewing high brow, low brow, medium brow, guilty pleasures, pretty much anything I have seen at the show and on rental to spread the word about the good shite out there that you are missing. So spread the love. Tell all you friends about it, link it to your page, all that jazz because we're trying to do it BIG!!!

www.tvlicious.blogspot.com

www.moobiesnob.blogspot.com

You're not famous! Drop dead!

2008-08-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

The rag mags are bad enough with all the famous people non-info. Angelina takes a dump. Jennifer Garner ovulates. Josh Brolin likes it in jail. Britney Spears is bat shit crazy, blah, blah, blah. At least those people have talent or at least a job in the entertainment business. But why am I hearing constant reports on Lauren fricking Conrad, and Heidi the idiot Montag. That bitch, Lauren, is an asshole. And why does a 22 year old have rinkles under her eyes. Looking at this old picture, that Heidi really did need a nose job. And why do people like Lauren, she's not a very nice person, but I digress. I couldn't care less who she was shagging, hating on, befriending, spitting on, etc. This goes quadruple for anyone who has ever been on any show resembling The Hills, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Survivor, The Apprentice, Big Brother (how is that stupid ass show still on the air) etc. You people are not famous. I don't care when you get married and/or have babies and/or go bankrupt and/or go to jail for tax evasion (what an idiot) and/or break up. I don't give a shit. I don't even know who you are. Crawl back under the rock you came from. Go back to your job of checking groceries, teaching preschool and picking up trash. Your 15 minutes of fame never existed.

Who the fuck are you to retire?

2008-08-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

What is up with all of these rappers "retiring"? What? You can't retire. You haven't been in the game long enough to retire. You haven't put out enough albums to retire. You're not famous enough, rich enough or moved enough units to retire. Michael Jackson can retire. Paul McCartney can retire. Ozzy Osbourne can retire. The Stones can retire. Jay Z can retire. LL Cool J needs to retire. The wackness that is The Game and David Banner can't retire. Those fuckers just quit. To pursue acting. ACTING! Are you fucking shitting me? You sold out to Hollywood. I can see The Game because his fake ass is from L.A. But Mississippi Banner? What? Shouldn't your first love be the mic, be mc-ing, be sick ass rhymes, not chasing after some pipe dream that is movie stardom? We all can't be Will Smith. They looking at that Will Smith money. They looking at that Tom Cruise money. Those two losers aren't pursuing acting for the love of the craft. Puh-leez. Sell that swamp land to somebody else. It's the paper. I'm just waiting for these two idiots to put out another album so I can say I told you so. If either one of these Einsteins drops another album before the end of 2010, you owe me $50. I don't take personal checks.

Oops, my bad!

2008-08-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

Holy Snapping Duck Do! I just twigged that I have not updated this since last month... You would not believe the fairy dust I have to clean up. I hope they bring chocolate!.

I am frantic with sleeping my way to the top, waiting for the onshore winds, just generally being a biatch to every Lost Boy that crosses my path, my day is passing in a blur from the second star on the right, straight on to I run out of alcohol. I am convinced that I absolutely deserve this after all my hard work. deal with it.

I solemnly swear I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. Seriously! What do you mean you don't believe me?.

It's all about ME ... and maybe sometimes you.

2008-07-29T18:50:00.001-07:00

Wassup community, I have a new spot for links on my page. I've separated them into categories. Link snob is where I'll put cool and funny random links. My stories is where I've published my work on the web for you to peruse at your leisure. Also if you have a blog and would like me to add your link, I shall ... but only if its good or you're my friend or both. But I won't if its neither. Good day, more funny shite to come. I've been swamped at work.

Color Quiz

2008-07-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

I took this Color Quiz and I'm posting my results because they are freakishly dead on. Those of you who know me, which is pretty much everyone that reads this site, know most of this stuff anyway, but its weird that these findings are based on the order in which you pick certain colors and I'm guessing the rate as well. I want you guys to take this quiz. I want to know if you get different results, and if you're willing to share, what results you got. Keep me posted.

Crystal's Existing Situation

Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.

Crystal's Stress Sources

Strives for straight-forward relationships, founded on mutual trust and understanding. Wishes to act only in conformity with her own convictions. Demands freedom to make her own decisions without being subjected to interference, outside influence, or the necessity of making compromises.

Crystal's Restrained Characteristics

Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.

Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Crystal's Desired Objective

Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from stress, and freedom from conflicts or disagreement. Takes pains to control the situation and its problems by proceeding cautiously. Has sensitivity of feeling and a fine eye for detail.

Crystal's Actual Problem

Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace.

Crystal's Actual Problem #2

Needs to protect herself against her tendency to be too trusting, as she finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.

Take the ColorQuiz yourself

Do Boring People Know They're Boring?

2008-07-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

Do boring people know they make you want to fall asleep? I have someone talking to me right now and I couldn't care less about what they're talking about. Like I took a phone call in the middle of their conversation and they picked right back up where they left off when I got off the phone. Now this is the same person who cannot be bothered to listen to anything you're saying, but when they're talking its all "are you listening to me?" Hell no!!! I do not know what you're talking about, I don't know the people you're talking about, and I generally don't care what you're talking about. Stop boring me half to death. Shut the hell up.

Black Chicks that act White

2008-07-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

I don't understand this shit at all. Maybe its the diction, the choice in fashion, the exclusively dating white boys, but something about this rare animal pisses me off. Well, if you're a gangsta black chick dating white boys that's a different beast all together. I'm talking about the black chicks who don't act black. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. It's not that their subjects and verbs agree. It's that they talk in a valley girl voice and they are not in fact from the valley. They are from Cleveland or Brooklyn or New Orleans and they have adopted the valley girl since moving to L.A. The other chicks I don't get is the skater black chicks who walk around saying dude and yeah man like they're some 80s throwback in 2008. They have white people looking at them like they're crazy. Who do you think you are fooling? No one. Talking like a Cameron Crowe reject will not fool white people into thinking you are white. And why are you wearing them skinny ass jeans below your ass with that rock and roll stud belt on. No one wants to see half of your ass literally hanging out every time you bend over. No one. You can still like rock and roll, skate board, surf, fuck the rainbow coalition, have great grammar, be over educated and still act black. Look at Condi Rice. That chick is gangster. With most white folks trying to act black, you are the only fools trying to go the other way.

Larenz Tate Your Life is Calling

2008-06-29T22:28:00.001-07:00

Where the hell is Larenz Tate? Remember back when he had a career as a leading man? Menace II Society where he stole the show from Kain and Jada Pinkett. The Inkwell, Why Do Fools Fall in Love, Dead Presidents and of course Love Jones. Hmmmmm .... sweet, sweet love jones. Yeah, you can can't him on Rescue Me I guess, but that's not classic Tate. I need me some movie Tate. I don't want no TV Tate. I need to see Larenz busting a cap in somebodies ass or sexing up Nia Long way before Taye Diggs was hitting that.

Man, remember when black movies were good and sexy and well put together. Remember when they were intelligent and funny and relevant. Not garbage like Soul Plane and whatever crap the Wayans Bros. and Ice Cube and Tyler Perry are cranking out. When there was actual black cinema by people who went to film school and learned the craft and executed it well. Not folks that fell into making movies by doing plays and rapping and being stand up comedians. I'm not hating -- well not too much anyway -- and I commend Cube, Perry and the Wayans on there success on getting anything black out in this white dominated field and/or country, but step it up. Perry is a playwright and looking at his films you can tell. The dialogue is fine, but the technical aspects of the films have horrendously obvious mistakes. All I'm saying is pick up a book on how to make a movie, because its not the same as directing a play. Not even close. I don't know anyone that would classify the Wayans films as cinema, but they have a certain validity, and they're films gross 100 million. So, keep on keeping on. And Cube, he's actually the closest to having a complete product, but he seems to consistently fall short. All of his scripts have plot holes and implausibilities that I can not ignore. Oh, how I yearn for the 90s when there was a variety and an abundance of black cinema that showed different aspects and walks of life within the black culture and didn't just serve to perpetuate stereotypes and highlight buffoonery. Nowadays, it's slim pickings.

So Larenz get your pals back out and crank some shit out. Matter fact, where is my final draft? Let me get to writing something for you and Taye Diggs. Get yall asses off TV and back on the silver screen where you belong.

James McAvoy is my Baby Daddy.

2008-06-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah I said it. And some of you have heard me say it before and with the release of Wanted I reiterate this point. I'm not going to comment on whether or not I think Wanted is a good movie. I'm only going to comment on the fact that I want to have sex with and birth James McAvoy's bastard children (or non-bastard if he wants to get married, his choice). I'm digging this dude and have been since Last King of Scotland, though I must admit that I fell asleep on it the first time but that had more to do with me being sleepy and it being the third movie I watched in row. My sister watched the whole thing and she'll fall asleep on anything she watches past 9p.m. so it must have been good. Anyway, I loved him in Atonement and the Jane Austen, and The Children of Dune miniseries that I didn't know he was in but aired on Sci Fi and actually watched was addicted to and attracted to that dude that starred in it (what's his name? hmm....) and Narnia as a half goat, and in that 10 items or less of the things I hate about you left in the world -- or whatever the name of that movie is that no one saw that's kind of like that movie with what's his name from the Good Son that's got Run Lola Run in it and that Mandy Moore taste like candy girl. Man it must be national free word association day. But I bet there's some film nerd out there that knows exactly who and what I'm talking about. The point is James MacAvoy is hot and he makes me feel all warm and tingling in the pants. I'm going to give him a 3 egg rating. That's right, I'm willing to set aside 3 of my eggs for him to fertilize at a later date. It's just like stars but grosser. Mmmmm....haggis....and kilts ... and balls. Okay, okay, I'm going to sleep now.

T.I. is Coming for you No Matter What!!!!

2008-06-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Get ready cause he's coming. Sept 2, Paper Trail drops and that first single No Matter What is fire. Don't sleep on him. It's not too late to jump on the band wagon. You should have been on by the King album, really by the singles Rubberband Man and Bring Him Out. Hova named two successors. One of them is the crown prince Weezy, T.I. is the other. Gun charges aside. TI is hands down a genius. If he can only keep his nose clean. If he doesn't, that makes good music, too. I'm sure I'm not the only one outside of T.I.'s family that's glad his sentence was reduced to 3 months. I've been looking to see who would challenge Weezy's reign. Should have known it would be Tip. Man I love these boyz.

I Heart Gene Simmons

2008-06-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is Gene Simmons : Family Jewels hilarious? Gene Simmons is the consumate straight man. He got the show because he's Gene Simmons. He kept the show because his family is endearing, stand up comedians in their own right, and very interesting in different ways. Gene is the squarest rock star you ever want to meet. The only thing that is rock star about him is lust for sex, and he's been having sex with the same woman for the past 20 years. He doesn't drink. He doesn't do drugs. Nor has he ever. The only thing he is addicted to is work and making money. Shannon Tweed is always trying to pull one over on stodgy Gene. Shannon's sister Tracey is crazy in a fun way. His son is cute. His daughter is gorgeous and smart. They're just a normal family. They're no Osbournes. The kids won't grow up to have eating disorders and have multiple stints in rehabs. You want the Simmons to be your neighbors and your friends. There is no fear that Shannon will chuck a ham at you. Its just a good clean fun time.

Madonna : Too Old?

2008-06-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

Madonna can't even sell out L.A.? Is the Material Girl's reign coming to an end? Is she getting too old to do stadium? Janet is still doing stadium. So are the Rolling Stones and Sting. So, age isn't really a factor. I guess hotness is. But Madonna hasn't really failed to deliver since the mid-90s when she was donning gold teeth and trying to have Dennis Rodman's mocha chocolatta babies. So, what's going on with tickets sales? Is it the economy? That gas is $50 a tank full at minimum. I'm currently paying $63 for regular unleaded. That natural gas and electric utilities are up 10% -- which is alot when you factor in that the temperature isn't going down, but going up. Last Week in LA it was 115 degrees and we haven't even hit July & August. That's Las Vegas, Phoenix weather not Los Angeles. Food prices are up too, anything with corn in it (which is everything check your labels) is up. Eggs and milk are up. Milk is $8 in Hawaii. Something's got to give. Now, you know I love me a good concert, but that's an extraneous cost. When its costing me $150/week just to live, drive to work, and eat (and I don't mean high off the hog, either), do I have $150 to spend on a 50 year old writhing around in a spandex leotard, some fishnets and platform shoes (that includes Gene Simmons)? Um, no, I don't.

Oh yeah, 50 is too old to dress like a street walker. Wait, what is Cher wearing these days? Never mind.

Whitety Kane

2008-06-25T08:06:00.001-07:00

Is it me or is it wrong to take 2 black girls from the hood, white wash them and stick them in a girl group called Danity Kane. This is pop with no possible edge. Its sticky sweet and boring. Are these girls for real? More importantly is Puffy for real? Pop needs an edge. Britney Spears' reign is over. Long live Pussycat Dolls and Amy Winehouse and Katy Perry. People with a little something extra.

NeYo is a Big Flaming Homo

2008-06-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or are those rumors about NeYo possibly true. His video for closer could not be any gayer. First off its all about the dancing. Which is fine, but its all recycled Michael Jackson dance moves. Be innovative like Chris Brown, Usher or even Omarion. Second, NeYo's video Closer is not about the girl. You're talking about getting closer to a girl and she is not the focus of the video. You never see a close up of her. It's all ugly ass NeYo close ups grimacing at the camera. I guess he thinks that's sexy. It's not. Well, it might be to men. Check any rap/Hip Hop video, it's all about the girl. Maybe NeYo's not gay. Maybe he's just vain.

Nope, he's a homo. Even Kanye will give a ho a close up.

Where in the World is Eminem?

2008-06-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

July must be music month cause I gots alots to say. Where is my Em? I know he's still sad that his best bud was shot in the head in a club a couple of years ago over some nonsense, but Kanye's mom died and that bastard was like "gear up the world tour." Juvenille's daughter was killed and he put on a show the same day. Okay, now that last one was plain ridiculous. I say put some of that grief into a song. You could dedicate a whole album to crying and trials and tribulations and such. We'll listen. We know that even though you're rich, you still have it rough. Come on back Em. The world is waiting.

Old Dudes on the Block

2008-06-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

What the fuck? New Kids on the block's new single is like being in a time warp. I didn't realize I was still in 4th grade. Are they for real? With the dance moves and the good time pop? Would New Edition pretend they weren't 20 years older?! No. And Donnie Wahlberg? You've had like 7 tv shows since New Kids. You still trying play the kid? The rapper? Ain't all yall 40? With wives? and 8 kids? and some dogs? mortgages? and hemorrhoids? I'm just saying. I'm all for a good comeback, but this is ridiculous. Is this what the oldies station sounds like. New Kids on the Block and old NSync. Oh Man, that's sad.

Weezy F. Baby

2008-06-07T21:09:00.001-07:00

The man is murdering them ... mercilessly. There is no hotter MC than him right now. No one!! Not Hova who hasn't fell off but has already peaked. Not bobble bubbled headed self hyped Kanye. Not Eminem who's on hiatus and still grieving over the death of his best friend, not T.I. who can't keep his nose clean and the Feds out of his face. Not 50 Cent, who can rock a mean hook, but can't write a decent verse to save his fucking life. Not Young Jeezy who consistently delivers hot sultry raspy verses that only black people can understand and white people don't know who the hell he is. And as far as I'm concerned T-Pain or Akon can fall off the face of the earth. The man did 700+ tracks last year alone. He was on everybody's single making that shit hotter.

Wayne is comparing himself to Hova and more importantly Tupac and Notorious B.I.G and rightly so. His rhymes are sick. Anyone after 30 years still thinking this isn't an artform is living under a rock. Wayne has never tried to crank out radio hits. Unlike his peers, he just makes hits. Eminem is a prime example of pandering to the lowest common denominator. Way too talented to be releasing schlock like Will the Real Slim Shady Please stand and much of that garbage on his first album. Nas is a formidable opponent, too, but he's inconsistent. Hova called him out on it, but Nas gave him the smack down with Ether. But ultimately Hova's still right. 80% of Nas' music is bullshitty shit. You ain't gang banging. Nas, you need to stick to uplifting gangster music. That will service you well. Hova held it down for a good 8 years. Not too bad. You still ain't trying to battle him on the mic, but he's like Michael Jordan ... trying to retire but just love the game too much. He'll still be around.

Kanye had it right on that Lollipop remix telling Wayne that he ain't gonna murder him on the track like Wayne murders everyone else, but it goes round and round. Kanye didn't get murdered on the Lollipop remix with Wayne, but he also didn't murder Wayne on his song. Jay Z murdered Kanye on that Diamonds are Forever song of Kanye's. Nas rapped on Ether about how Eminem murdered Jay on one of his songs, which was true. Tupac murdered Biggie on that diss track about Faith Evans. 50 murdered Ja Rule and ended his fucking career. T.I. murdered Erykah Badu's little brother, Lil .... Lil somebody. You don't hear me saying anything about anyone murdered Wayne .... and you won't.

It's Lil Wayne's decade. He's just hungry. Like that Biggie interview or that Jay Z song My First Song. You have to stay hungry. And Wayne is ferocious. This man is poised to have a longer and better career than LL Cool J. I bet you can't find one person who still doesn't know who that is. Weezy's been in the game for 10 years already and he's only 25. And he just keeps getting better exponentially. I don't want to say that since he's stopped exclusively collaborating with Mannie Fresh that he's has grown and become more daring, creative and bolder as an artist, but damn I just did. I'm not only recommending you buy the Carter III, but the Carter II and even I. And if you already stole it when you see Weez in the street, just hand him your 20 directly. He'll know what's for and he won't even be mad.

T.I. get your shit together and fall in. Mount Rapmore is calling you. Tupac, Notorious BIG, Jay Z, Lil Wayne and you on the right. How bad you want it? Em, its room for you too baby. Get your last cry out and meet 'em on top of the mountain.

Et Tu Brutus?

2008-06-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

Kristin Davis. You naughty minx. I reiterate : don't let your boyfriend take pictures or video of you sucking his cock. It's like getting a tattoo of his name on your body. You will break up. And you look like an idiot. After you piss him off and he posts this on the web, you look like a whore. He looks like a stud even though he's usually not even in the photo. You don't even see him. Just his scraggly old cock. All people will remember about the incident is you with a mouth full of cock. Not even Mother Theresa, the Virgin Mary or Princess Diana can come back from that one. Suck cock in private, behind closed doors after you've scanned the room for spy devices, extraneous cell phones and pin holes in the ceiling and or ceiling fan. Stop eating cock and looking knowingly into the camera. At least have someone catch you unawares. Posting this shit without the consent of both naked parties should be illegal and punishable by death. Except for me of course.

Assholery

2008-05-31T22:27:00.002-07:00

You are an asshole. No two ways about. You cop an attitude unprevoked. You're an asshole. You think you know everything and you treat people like shit and you're a hot fucking mess. You are not God's gift to anything. You don't know anything. You're cute enough, but you're not blowing me out of the water with your beauty. You're a jackass. Which is a shame because you have a really big dick and you know how to use it. Your head is for shit, but hey nobody'e perfect. But I don't want to date you, I don't even want to fuck you anymore. I couldn't wait to get off and kick you out of my bed .... hell, my house. Well, its been real. Loose my number.

You're Engaged? Well Fuck You Then!!!

2008-05-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

How dare you get engaged. How dare you find someone to love and adore and stand beside you before me. No, I never really liked you that much, and no I didn't want to marry you and have your ugly babies. But I wanted you to want that from me. I wanted you to pine after me forever. And how dare you get some cute hot young thing that doesn't care that you have a big pot belly and are going bald. You bastard. You sneaky jerk. Finding bliss while I'm still wading through this sea of single rejects. That will be me one day, by golly that should be me!!!!!!!

CamelToe

2008-05-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently your vagina is hungry. Okay. I suppose its entitled. Maybe its hungry for a penis, or a mouth or some fingers. Some douche perhaps or an anti-yeast suppository or a tampon. What I'm sure it is not hungry for is your pants.

Why don't you have on any underdrawers? Where are your panties, Britney? And why are you going commando at work ... with stretch pants on. I don't need to know whether or not you have a landing strip, or a Brazillian or a full Vanessa Hudgens bush. I don't need to know the size of your labia or pubis mound or how it hangs when you bend over.

You are going to make me vomit. Go put on some real pants and a pair of full coverage briefs you skank whore.

Your Stinky Feet! Yuck!

2008-05-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

Put your fucking shoes back on. How dare you have your stanking ass feet out at work. Do you not smell that shit? Then you have the audacity to walk around the office infecting the carpet with your toe jam, fungus and other atrocities. Have you no shame? Put these offending creatures on inanimate and animate objects alike handing out death sentences. All beings quake in their wake, hoping to be spared the fate of their touch. I vomit a little at the memory of the dirty nails and the jaundiced heels. How did you not get the memo that this is inappropriate. No shoes, no shirt, no job.

Playing Hooky

2008-05-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

I'm playing hooky today. I can not afford to take to off work, but I don't care. I have an interview today, but I'm not going. Who am I fooling? I don't want to work in sales. Sales is the path to suicide. I'd just make a lot of money and spend a lot of money because I hated my job. That makes no fucking sense. So, today, I'm gonna chill. Sleep a little, maybe go to the post office. A nice brunch, a little afternoon sex, visit some friends at their job, take a nap. Basically just fuck off. Doesn't that sound nice. Just a personal day. A fuck the world I'm not doing shit today. It doesn't count when its a weekend day, or you're sick, or somebody died, or you just broke up with someone or your kid's missing. A fuck you day happens smack in the middle of the week (not a Monday or a Friday) when there's absolutely nothing wrong and you just say, "Fuck it. I'm not going to work." Danny knows what I'm talking about.

I'm not Racist. Yes, you are!!!!!

2008-05-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not racist. My shoe shiner is black. My mammy is black. The woman who breast feeds my children is black. My trainer and my chef and my personal assistant are black. My maid is mexican. My lover is black. My wife's lover is black. The young man who's schtupping my daughter is black as midnight. My best friend is black. The guy that sits next to me is black. The bathroom attendant at the country club is black. So is my favorite caddy. My manicurist is korean. My favorite chef is Italian. Everyone knows they aren't that white. My dad's mistress is black. My first grade teacher was black. I watch black tv shows. They need all the ratings help they can get. I listen to the rap music in my SUV. I don't say any of the n-words when someone else is around. I drink Cristal because the Jay and the Z tell me to. I stop drinking the Cristal because the guy that make the champagne said some nasty things about the blacks. I love the blacks juicy booty juices. The full lips on my penis. The full booty and the sexy thighs me like. Who wants the pelvis bones poking into the stomach. I gives the daps real proper like. I likes a good tan. Who wants to be pasty. I'm not a fan of the white women. Unless its time to smack a bitch. They're really good for that. I only have one family member thats apart of the Klan. I only speak to Jonny on Thanksgiving. I mean he's funny as shit. I have to give him a shout out. I don't immediately wash my hands after shaking hands with a black person. I wait a little while. I don't say anything about the jews in public. You can't tell who's a Jew now adays. They don't just look like they do on TV. They're not all the NY/Jersey looking Jews. I actually like the stinky smell of ethnic food. Not in my house obviously. That shit gets all up in your curtains and your upholstery... Anyway, I'm NOT racist. I haven't hurled a slur in, in years. Now rub my feet and bow down to my whiteness.

What Type of Crazy are You?

2008-05-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

People throw this word around too liberally. It has lost its meaning and validity. When someone calls you crazy, you don't know quite what they mean, quite how they feel. Let me help you.

Crazy Magnet -- This person doesn't have to be crazy themselves, they attract crazy. Homeless people, mental patients, alcoholics, sex workers, drug addicts, performance artists, racists, zealots anyone left of center wants to be their friend. Crazy Magnet's are usually very straight laced prudes, but not necessarily.

Party Crazy -- Party Crazy is a benign form of crazy. It's that crazy fun aunt you see at Thanksgiving who wears weird clothes and lives in SoHo and loves the bongos. Party Crazy is fun not tragic. It's usually fueled by alcohol and sarcasm. They are always fun to be around, they're social, their world view is a little askew/amusing. Party Crazy people are often impatient, hate stupid people and are prone to road rage.

Bitch Crazy -- This person is a hater. They are always complaining. They don't want anyone to be happy. This person is usually very self centered and flaky. They make grandiose plans only to consistently break them at the last minute. And they can turn any conversation into a conversation about them. They are often boring. They are always a wet blanket.

Love Nuts -- this is when a perfectly sane person (usually, but not always a woman) gets into a relationship with a jackass, sadist, manipulative, narcissist, megalomaniac and/or abusive person and driven crazy. This can be done gradually over time without immediate knowledge of the person who's being driven crazy. This crazy is messy. A once sane and rational person will start to behave erratically and irrationally all to preserve and/or fight for their dying, decaying, diseased, malignant, cancerous, relationship. The symptoms of Love Nuts is hanging up on people, petty arguments (like blowout dish breaking fights about who left out the mayonnaise), breaking things in general, auto vandalism (shattering windshields, slashing tires), home vandalism (throwing rocks through picture windows), stalking, B&E, reconnaissance, private investigating, devoting all ones time to spying on their "loved one." The prescription for this is breaking up with the person, stop talking to the person, burn everything they gave you and delete all phone numbers and email addresses. Perhaps a little light therapy depending on how bad your case was, and a little anger management never hurt anyone.

Crazy House Crazy -- a term coined by my mother (who stole it from someone else). This also can be filed under Bat Shit Crazy. This person needs help. Professional, psychological, three times a week help. Often with the aid of medication, i.e. Xanax, Zoloft, etc. These medications are not recreational. They need them. Do not siphon their pills. This person is crazy on their own merit. They are very often born crazy. It may run in the family. This person has irrational fears. Sometimes its abandonment or jealousy. This person can be very controlling. This person can very easily turn Love Nuts. But they give Love Nuts that little extra kick. They like a little arson, domestic violence, murder/suicide. Do not befriend these people. You can not save them. Do however refer them to a licensed professional.

Mariah Carey marries Nick Cannon. WTF?

2008-05-07T11:20:00.001-07:00

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon DATING is strange enough, but this chick marries her booty call. Okay, so my first instinct is to hate, but after seeing the wedding photos they look totally happy.

So, you go girl. You marry that young man and have babies and hot sex and good love and stability. I wish it on you. He's not exactly in your league, but he's no bum. He's spry, and confident. He's a producer and a go getter and he really seems smitten with you. You get your Ashton, Demi.

Hopefully, he won't cheat on you.

Wesley Snipes gets 3 years in Prison. Who the Hell Cares?

2008-04-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

Wesley Snipes is going to prison for 3 years for tax evasion. Who the hell cares? While his celebrity friends wrote letters to the government trying to Free Willy, something was conspicuously missing from all of these letters. Wesley Snipes is a nice person. Not even his friends can say that with a straight face. Wesley Snipes is an asshole that black people have given up on long ago. He's a wife beater (see Halle Berry's deaf ear), he's difficult to work with (see his non vast selection of films to choose from though still as talented as he was in New Jack City, Mo Better Blues or White Men Can't Jump, etc) and he abandoned the sistas for an Asian Woman (also see Dave Chappelle).

You can not NOT pay your taxes. Even though paying taxes is not constitutional, there are not laws that say you MUST pay taxes and the Federal Reserve Bank is a private bank above the laws of this great land run by a bunch of shiesters. But I digress. Wesley Snipes is a jackass who tried to claim illegal alien status to get out of paying taxes. Is he for real? Did he really try to pull a Mexican. Pull a Shanghai? What a jackass. He'll get out just in time to make more B martial arts films. He considers Korea to be his second home. Is he for real? I lived in Korea. Wesley, they don't like darkies. Not even famous ones. (That might be a tad bit racist, but it's true.)

Fresh Snatch

2008-04-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Seriously people, are we now under the skirts of Emily Watson of Harry Potter fame. She just turned 18 thirty seconds ago and now we're plastered her newly legal snatch across the Internet. Paparazzi do you have no shame? Don't answer that. She has on panties, sheer panties, but panties just the same. I'm starting to think that Paparazzi is a synonym for pedophile or sexual predator. Where are the bathroom shots of male celebrities rocking out with their cocks out. Where's Justin Timberlake's penis? Where's Ashton Kutcher's dong? Penn Badgley's scrotum? Where's Chris Brown's schlong? Huh? Where are the equal opportunity pervert paparazzo? I'm sure people would pay good money to see Tyson Beckford's dick. Or Tom Cruise. Or Will Smith. No one is swinging the camera low shooting up their shorts. Fucking hypocrites.

UnderCover Lover

2008-04-26T01:17:00.000-07:00

Dear UnderCover Lover, we're all grown and sexy here. I don't want you to be my boyfriend. I don't want you to be faithful. I don't want to talk on the phone with you all night or go to the movies. I don't want to hang out. I don't want you to take my car to get washed or cook me dinner. I don't want you to do my laundry or wash the dishes. We don't need to share our hopes and dreams. Our fears and doubts. I just want to sex you up. Biweekly as my schedule allows. Hard and strong, fast and good.

What I don't need to see is any evidence of your other women. I know they exist in the back of my mind. And I don't want to be exclusive, so that's fine. But I don't want to find their bra under your bed, their earring in your couch or their tampon applicator in your bathroom trash. I don't want to find their panties in your glove box. Seriously, ew. I don't want to run into these women in the bank, the grocery store, biology class, the gym or at work. I don't want them to be related to me, or know me, know of me, have heard of me, have breathed on me and vice versa.

Here's my only request. Don't shit where you eat. Simple and plain. Now feel free to fuck the billions of people I don't know on the other side of town, the state, the country, the world, the universe.

This is not rocket science.

Rice Cakes are for Pussies

2008-04-25T22:49:00.001-07:00

No self respecting man eats rice cakes. Rice cakes are for pussies. Men eat meat and potatoes and beans. Men fart and scratch and throw their clothes on the floor. Men wear jeans five times before washing them. Men drive big gas gussling SUVs and flip people off and tell dirty jokes. Men wash the vagina juice off of their genitalia immediately after coitus and then proceed with the rest of their day of golf and bowling and drinking single malt whiskey. Men do not eat rice cakes. For god sakes man, man up.

You are too damn old to be a Gangster

2008-04-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

You are too damn old to be a gangster. You have got to be kidding. You've been thugging what 20-25 years now? Its time to hang up the gat for a laptop or a golf club or a damn newspaper. Move your stupid ass out of the hood. Take care of your kids and use a damn condom so you won't have another one you can't afford. Take them Bebe's kids to a ballgame or a the museum or shit, to school. Go back to school your damn self. Dumb is not cute. Get a legal job. One where getting shot isn't an occupational hazard. Look for some upward mobility. Pay your bills. Take that grill out your damn mouth and brush your stanking ass teeth. Trade in them jerzees and white Ts for some real damn clothes. Sell them dumb ass 50K rims on that 98 dodge neon and buy you a volvo. Move your lazy ass out of your mama's house. You are not gangster. You are an idiot. You are fucking 40. Grow the hell up. Damn it.

Who the hell is Matthew Santos? (featuring Lupe Fiasco)

2008-04-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

Who the hell is this Matthew Santos dude singing the hook for that Lupe Fiasco song "Superstar"? He is hot to death. I love his voice, and he makes that fricking song. Truth be told he sings a couple of hooks for Lupe. Move over Adam Levine from Maroon 5 and Chris Martin. This is raps new "white boy" (really he's Latino, well half anyway) hook bringer. What I want to know is when does his album drop? You need to cop that "The Cool" album from Mr. Fiasco. It's much more accessible than it's predecessor.

Okay, Food and Liquor was good, too. Maybe you're interested in Matthers of the Bittersweat by Santos. Your choice.

Homos faking Hetero

2008-04-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

There has never been a better time on earth to be gay. Well, maybe back in early Greece or Rome. But it ain't too shabby now either. With gay representation on mainstream television like Will & Grace, The Real World, The L Word and anything on Bravo, you can't throw a stone at the remote without hitting some hot homo fashionista. Even the straight shows have the minority gay character to accompany their lonely black friend.

Now, what I don't understand is why some folks born after 1975 are still in the closet. Do you seriously think we don't know. You faking dates with women and making up fictitious "girlfriends" that live in Canada ain't foolin nobody. Come on out the closet, you're a corn holer or a rug muncher. It's okay, nobody cares. Let your freak flag fly. Stop lying to me about how you banged Susie last night. You are flaming. Flame on.

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2009: A Year in Review

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NER*D