25 Random Things

1. Abnormally beautiful people are riddled with insecurities and extremely ugly people have unjustifiably high self esteem. I, on the other hand, have a self esteem level that is proportionate to my super fine-ness!

2. I discriminate against people not based on color, creed, sexual orientation or socio-economic background. I discriminate based on personality, stupidity, obnoxiousness levels, selfishness levels, meanness levels, rudeness levels, racist levels, whether or not you can drive, whether or not you laugh at my jokes, general ugliness and malaise, disproportionate self esteem, delusions of grandeur, secret keeping acuity, interesting conversation skills, personal hobbies, taste in music / movies / books (TV is a free for all), boudoir acrobatics, general hygiene, boringness quotient, etc, etc ad naseum

3. I travel a lot and do a certain amount of dirt where ever city that might be, and consequently have a multitude of friends that know certain things about me, but not a one that knows everything and I like it that way; hence, they will never meet.

4. I can see huge holes in your relationship before you can. Like years before. It's a sick gift. I won't give this knowledge out unsolicited. I will keep it to myself. So, don't ask if you don't want to know. I haven't been wrong yet. I've been reading people since 1993.

5. Men who shave their balls should not sleep with women (pornstars are exempt from this rule).

6. It should be illegal (punishable by a huge fine, mandatory jail time and that whatchamacallit that says you can't profit from your crime) to post, sell or distribute nude photographs and/or video taped sex acts of people without express consent of all parties on the tape. You may now dub this "Crystal's Law." (I just want a law named after me) But it really should be named "Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee's Law" or "Paris Hilton's Law" or "Kim Kardashian's Law" Stop exploiting women ya douchbag ex-boyfriend assholes.

7. It is often the people who don't think they're racist who are the most racist.

8. Every 100 years there are a whole new crop of people. Let's hope the next batch is better than the last.

9. Hotness, knows no race. It really comes down to some simple geometric equation of the symmetry of your face. If I did a time lapsed photo of the faces of an Indian, Caucasian, Japanese, African, Middle Eastern, Native American, Pacific Islander, Inuit, etc etc, they would all start to look the same.

10. Power absolutely corrupts. If you aren't personally corrupted, it will corrupt your relationships, it will corrupt how people deal with and view you.

11. Telling a funny joke to people who weren't there and still having it be funny is a measure of 3 things: 1) Your personal humor (is what you find funny ACTUALLY funny; 2) You story telling skills; 3) The audience (are you telling the right story to the right person?)

12. There is nothing Caucasian about having good grammar. That's a class (socio-economic/educational background) issue, not a racial one.

13. There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce if you put your all into the relationship and still had to take your lumps and eat humble pie. You are not a quitter. You're just human. There is no nobility in staying in a bad marriage. This is not 1953.

14. Behold the power of a tight firm ass. There is no greater turn off than an indistinguishable pancake-esque backside. Commence lunges and squats and stairmastering now.

15. What UCLA alum (and fellow Californians) don't want you to know is that over 50% of UCLA graduates started off their first 2 years at community college. Doesn't seem too prestigious now does it? I betcha Harvard isn't impressed by Santa Monica Community College transcripts (though I'm sure its a lovely school). Get off your fucking high horse ya Bruins.

16. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. NEVER. If you knew most people's problems, you wouldn't trade yours for theirs.

17. I know its wrong and very un-P.C., but I like using the word retarded as an adjective - not to describe mentally handicapped individuals, but to describe supposedly mentally adept individuals having a handicapped moment. Yes, I'm a bad person and I'm quite aware of my going-to-hell quotient. See you hypocrites there. It has been my experience than handicapped individuals do not want to be treated differently than everyone else and they have a wonderful sense of humor. You holier than though fuckers do not.

18. You are not as good in bed as you think you are. (This of course does not apply to me)

19. I am a very bad liar. I don't exercise this skill often enough to be good at it. I don't deem you important enough to lie to. Who are you to judge me? I could care less what you think. Telling the truth is much more interesting. If you want to lie, lie to the police. Lie on some life or death shit.

20. On the other hand, behold the power of a well placed, well thought out, reasonable lie. But make it good. Beware though because one lie leads to another like that 80s commercial that used to come on the Christian channel that for some reason reminds me of Rent.

21. I would rather have some average looking, highly intelligent kids, than some gorgeous dumb ones. You would be surprised on how many people would want it the other way. Lord help me if I have ugly dumb kids, please make me love them anyway.

22. You are not better or more important than anyone else. You're not. You only think you are. This is both an illusion and a delusion.

23. Religion is a highly personal and individual choice - the mechanisms of which should always be kept to yourself. Do not try to convert me. I will not respond kindly. This is only half true for politics.

24. Famous people never live up to your idea of them. You don't want to meet them. Be content to watch them on TV.

25. Everybody needs some me time. Some of us need more than others. Be aware of how much time your significant other and close friends need and act accordingly. Hopefully, you'll get the same consideration.

Ode to Divorce

This is not an "I told you so" or a "in your face" or "that's right sucka" to all of you who are getting a divorce that I saw coming. Divorce is a very painful and private matter and I respect that even if some of your other friends or some of your family members or their family members don't, but for all of you who are about to take the plunge or will take the plunge in the future this song's for you. Marriage is like college, it ain't for everybody (oh, yes, I was an English major suck it). Some people are incapable of being in a healthy relationship and some people just aren't going to be in a healthy relationship with you. Don't take it personal, but also don't make it your mission to try and change that person even if you think its for the better. You are not Mother Teresa. You are not earning your way into heaven one boyfriend at a time. And it really doesn't make you feel good that your ex now leaves the toilet seat down, washes his ass properly, cooks dinner three times a week and has switched his gift giving from small kitchen appliances to jewelry. Yeah, you trained him and all that good work is being benefited by someone else. I will now serenade you with the saddest song in the world played on the tiniest of violins. Get over it. Move the hell on.


We all have baggage. I know you think yours is light and its Louis Vutton. It's still baggage. Did Eryka Badu not sing loud enough for you bag lady? While some baggage can be viewed as children (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) and exes (who should only count if you have children with them thus they are still around) the bigger baggage is harder to see. That emotional tote. That gargantuan Samsonite you're lugging around from relationship to relationship. This year, I'm going to encourage you to open that hard-cased bad mamajama and chuck some shit out. Make your load lighter.


Remember what's his face that cheated on you. Forgive him. He was an asshole. You holding on forever to that hurt and that pain is a cancer eating away at your soul, metastasizing and infecting everything you do. Let it go. He was broken. He got broke long before you even came along. He started breaking around 13. That don't have shit to do with you. You're beautiful, intelligent and great in bed. He couldn't appreciate that, but that's not your fault. You didn't deserve it, but he's broken. Forget about him. Move on. And don't punish everyone that comes after him for shit your ex did. But also don't date new people who are prone to cheating, have a history of cheating and/or are more likely to cheat i.e. playas, rock stars, athletes, frat boys, narcissists. If you are already in a relationship, recognize the warning signs. I refuse to believe a woman can't see that her man is cheating on her. Either she's cheating too, or she doesn't want to know. No man is THAT good at covering their tracks. On the flip side, don't see shit that isn't there. Don't go making up problems. It's a balance. You have to be rational, but only you can break the cycle.


Don't date a taker. A taker is a person who only takes and never gives. Don't date anyone is not giving you what you need, and don't listen to your friends about what your wants are. Your wants are different than theirs, so don't get confused that you're not getting from your man what Shanika down the street wants. She might like sex on the beach. You might like to keep your hoo-haw sand free. You decide what your needs are and if they are getting met. Me personally, I like to talk on the phone. I can't date anyone who won't talk to me and who doesn't think I'm funny. But that's just me. Maybe you need your mate to be funny. Also, make sure you're not a taker. Make sure you're putting in what you're getting. Don't be selfish. That's the fast track to being single ... again.


Don't date anyone you don't respect. That's almost saying don't date anyone you don't like, but I've actually seen that work believe it or not. You don't have to like everything a person does, nor should you, you sycophant. But you can disagree with someone and still respect them. If they adore you and you think they're a fucking idiot. That's not going to work.


Make sure you're on the same page about your relationship. I got into a conversation with someone about our past and quickly began to realize that most of our problems stemmed from miscommunication in the form of us using the same words, but have polar opposite definitions on what those words mean. I come to believe this is the plight of the war of the sexes. Who was right? Me of course! I say that to say this. Be clear to your partner about what your expectations and intentions are with that relationship. Yall could be apples and oranges, unicorns and dragons. It's better to know up front and not 5, 10, 20 years down the line when its too late and you're old bitter and spent. Even if you have different expectations, when you're up front and honest, one partner could change their mind and start wanting the things that you want, but THEY have to make that decision. You CANNOT (I can't stress this enough) make that decision for them. It's like those poor misguided souls that purposely get pregnant thinking some player is going to go "Eureka, this gal's for me!" Instead, he ends up hating her forever. Also, make sure you're actually dating someone. A why are you cheating me conversation will end quite quickly if the other person didn't know you were dating.



Recognize the mistakes you made in your last relationship, learn from them and don't repeat them in the new one. It sounds simple enough, but people do not do this. You have to be a level of self aware that most people are not comfortable with. Everything is not ALL the other person's fault. Take responsibility on your contribution to the problems and change that behavior. It's like watching reels before the next football game. How can you improve your game. How can you behave differently, better? It's like recapping an argument and wishing you would have said this or that, but instead of inserted a better zinger, insert better behavior that will get a better outcome. Recognize your relationship patterns and decide if that's the person you want to continue dating. The douchebag. Why do you keep dating that same type of guy over and again. Why are you attracted to that? What can you change about yourself (NOT the other person, let them change themselves)? Recognize what you don't want. Stay away from that.


Date someone on the same sex level. This comes in two parts: 1. Frequency 2. Freakiness. These are not the same. Maybe I like to have it 85 times a week missionary position. Maybe he likes it twice a week reverse cowgirl and a belt around his neck. You have be very similar or this is going to go downhill fast. Ideally date someone you will grow with sexually. Hopefully, you will grow in the same direction. I'm growing into S&M and he's growing into men, we have a problem. Don't date someone who's going to put all your sex business on the street, and don't you behave that way either. How many women get mad because their bestfriend fucked their man, but they've been telling them how good he is in bed etc ad nauseum. Shut the hell up and no one would know.



Date someone on the same commitment level. This has two parts. 1. Marriage 2. Children. You need to honest with yourself on how you see your future. Is your dream self married with kids? Yes or no. Only you can answer this honestly. The next step is dating someone who wants the same things. Don't think folks are going to go changing their mind down the road. Make it clear what you want. If they don't think they can give those things to you, move the hell on quickly. Next. And a lot of men with kids don't want to have anymore. So, don't assume since he already has kids that he wants more. Ask him. And maybe he doesn't want to have any kids with YOU. That's not your fault. That's his loss. But don't take it personally (even though its hard not to), but move the hell on. You deserve to get what you want. Don't waste time on someone who's never going to or incapable of giving it to. I don't care how cute they are. They are not the only swinging dick in town.


Try not to date anyone who's family you can't stand. You don't want to wage war on an entire family that will last for the next 30 years. Who has that kind of headache capacity and time to devote to espionage? Be honest with yourself on how much in-law bullshit you can take and gage accordingly. Do I even like this person enough to deal with their psycho mom? If the answer is no, good-bye.



Don't loan anyone money. Not going into that. Don't date men that ask for money. Women either. It's all on you if you offer. Everyone can be in a tight spot every now and then. But I'm talking about those folks that expect that from a relationship. Stay away from those people. Bad news. Never loan money in an amount or to a person that you would get mad if they never paid it back. Don't loan money. Yeesh. This stuff writes itself.


Date someone on the same financial level. If there is a disparity, you have to be 100% okay and confident with it. This is really a man thing. Most men have a problem with dating a woman who makes more money than they do. It's a pride issue. Most women could care less IF they are a good man and NOT begging her for money. Now, if you don't care that your man begs you for money, we need to talk. That's a whole nother blog entry. But you have to be in the same ball park. The more money you make the less of an issue it is. If you make 125K and he makes 100K, who the hell cares. If you make 15 million and he makes 10, snore. Sure, that's 5 million dollars, but he's not going to be bumming money from you or trying to get you to invest in some hair brained get rich quick pyramid scheme. Now if he makes 1 million and you make 100, then you are going to see problems. If you're pulling 125K and he's pulling 60K, then you're going to have some discussions because the difference between the two is so great you're going to be able to SEE the difference in the money. It's the different between a Toyota and a Porshe, an apartment and a McMansion, first class and a leer jet. That money is just not the same.


This one is sort of about money, but not. Date someone who has similar goals and ambition than you. If you like to be top dog, you're not going to make it with a coach potato. If you're about being promoted, you're not going to like being married to someone who is complacent and constantly gets passed over for promotions. If I'm trying to win Oscars or the Fields metal or the U.S. Presidency and you're trying to move the fryer to the register. This is not going to work out.

Get a prenup. I know yall are in love now and x,y,z, but you are not a fortune teller. You do not know what the future holds. You might end up falling in love with the copy boy. You might be on some "see you next lifetime" Eryka Badu shit with the UPS man. Who the hell knows. And I don't know what state you live in, if you live in a fault state (that awards more money to the person who DIDN'T cause the the divorce) or a no-fault state that doesn't give a hoot. Nor do I know the circumstances of why you will get divorces or if you will get divorced and neither do you. You know what a prenup is, it's insurance. You have car insurance don't you? You have health insurance don't you? You have life insurance don't you? Well, you might as well sign up for some I don't want to get fucked over if this marriage doesn't work out insurance. Don't be fooled, someone is always worth more financially in a marriage. Even if its only on paper. You think you make less so you'll get alimony. You find out during the divorce, they were lying about their salary or they got demoted and didn't tell you. Or they have mystery kids that count as mitigating circumstances. Who the hell knows. What I do know is that is fucking disgraceful to pay a MAN alimony. Get a fucking job, a promotion. I think alimony is ridiculous. The court doesn't care if you make $5 more. Get ready to pay them $2.50. Maybe I wanted to buy a big mac with that $2.50.

Those are all the lessons I have for the day. I don't want you to get divorced, but I also don't want you to stay in a bad relationship that isn't working. We're getting older now and everyone is going to start pairing up and settling down and living their life. And I want you to live a good life. I want you to live your best life, live up to your best potential and I want you to have someone to share that with. I just don't want that person to be an asshole. Because I still want us to hang out. See, its really all about me.