The Death of Love

What is it about the wiring of a man's brain that makes it so easy for them to get over you? What is it about women that causes them to linger? How is that fucking fair? What is it about the universe that when you've finally gotten over someone they know the precise moment to call and remind you that you used to love them. What kind of fucked up shit is that? What's wrong with not calling ever again, not checking up. What's wrong with that? What the fuck is wrong with leaving people the hell alone. Time does heal all wounds, but time heals slowly and it doesn't heal completely. There are still cracks in the armor. There are still fissures in the facade. And pain knows exactly where they are. Exactly. Who's got some spackle?

Death of a Friendship

Honestly, this has been a long time coming, but I've been too fucking busy to even address it. I'm very much a Type-A personality, an alpha female - a bitch, if you will - or at least I can be, if provoked. I've been content with that for quite some time. I'm very comfortable in my own skin. I get along with most people, but about 30%, I don't. And this can be for a variety of reasons. If I think you're an idiot, we're probably not going to be friends. If I don't respect you, if you're shady or flaky or insecure, perhaps we're not going to jive. It's not a big deal to me. I'm not going to lose sleep over it, but it seems the less attention I give to this fact, the more it irks the other person. I've almost perfected this into an art. And it's not even on purpose, but whatever. I take the high road, don't engage, don't entertain lunacy and I'm labeled the bad guy. They take the low road, stomp and throw tantrums, talk about me like a dog to all my friends, act a zip damn fool, call me at all times of night and they're the victim. Okay. Sure. I'll be that. My friends know who I am. They know what's up. They know what's not true and what is. I don't need to explain that to them.

And something that they ALL know is that I don't entertain crazy. If you've got a few screws loose, you behave irrationally, blow things out of proportion, I walk away. I don't call you. I don't harass you, I let that shit fade. We're obviously not going to work out. Not a big deal. What I don't entertain is long soliloquy emails about petty issues that you didn't have the balls to tell me when we were actually friends. I entertain all concerns from people who are friends to me. But you didn't feel the need to bring that shit up then. What became abundantly clear through that ridiculous letter is how deep seeded your insecurities lie. Half of that shit doesn't even make sense and isn't even true, but that's hardly the point.

When you don't want to be friends with someone, you stop calling them, you stop talking about them and you leave them alone. That's what I did to you. I wasn't bad mouthing you to this person or that. I wasn't going on a tirade of this person did this to me. That's ridiculous. Maybe in time you'll see that. And what you certainly don't do is poke someone and piss someone off and then ask to have your way. You are a lunatic.

Fuck off. Don't call me. Don't email me. Don't create new email addresses to email me from. I will filter them all to get deleted immediately. Don't query our mutual friends about me. Fuck the fuck off. You had a very fine opportunity to end things or clear the air amicably. I gave you 3 opportunities to do so and you shat on them. That's all on you. And now, you get what you get. Believe it or not, this is me being nice. You've met me, you know that in your heart to be true. If I was your age, responding to the antics that you have been performing, you would have fared infinitely worse. This is your last and final warning. Leave me the fuck alone.

2009: A Year in Review

I'm so late on all types of news. Where was I when Van Jones was being skewered for no reason? fucking Glen Beck. People haven't put a hit on that dude yet? And where is this 9/11 Truth Petition so I can sign it? If you buy that a plane's entire fuselage embeds itself into the ground when shit that falls from space doesn't do that ... I got some swamp land for you. Why did Plaxico get 2 years for shooting HIMSELF? That's fucked up. What's the name of his lawyer? So, I'll know not to hire him. Cheney shot someone in the face with a shotgun and got an apology ... from the victim ... maybe if Plaxico would have apologized to himself. Many DUI fuckers get probation. Fucking Chris Brown wife beating ass got proby, Plaxico can't get proby and catch some passes? Racist as NY Post depicting Obama as a stimulus monkey. Then denying it. Take credit for your shenanigans, Post. Don't piss on me and tell me its raining. Don't fuck a 14 yr old & tell me its not you in the video R.Kelly. I'm not an idiot. I've seen cribs. Michael Jackson died. Really who didn't die this year? Heath Ledger couldn't have held on a year and died with everybody else in 2009? Tiger Woods is a sex fiend. Brittney Murphy liked too much coke or binging and purging, too soon to tell. Taylor Lautner took off his shirt one too many times and 30+ year old women everywhere became perverts. T.I. got out of jail early for good behavior. Weezy prepped to go in for bad. All in all an eventful year. You have to take the good with the bad. We all came out on the other side not being worse for wear. Let's make 2010 a little bit better.

Hate On Hater

I haven't experienced a case of haterade so very strong since the early 90s. I don't have time for the bullshit. You don't like me. Fine. Keep it moving. I wasn't bothering you. I left your insecure punk ass alone. I just stumbled across this Glee version. I'm not sure which one I like more. They are both quite excellent.

Zara ______ December 1 at 1:46am

Just when I thought I didn't have anything to blog about. Someone emails me this via facebook at one o'clock in the morning. Half of this shit, I don't know what she's talking about. The other half isn't even in the realm of reality. I'm not even going to bother clarifying which is which. Just read it as a good ole fashion piece of fiction. And word to the wise, don't email me arguments when all you have to do is pick up the phone. I show them to people ... to laugh ... because I'm mean. Living abroad and being an ex is your only pass on this issue. Fucking ridiculous. I hesitated to even post this, but then ole chick pushed me over the edge talking MORE bullshit after this. When will people learn? Oh well. [UPDATE: I'm taking the video out because it's random and a little extra mean, even for me. You don't need to know what she looks like, only that she is bat shit crazy. The letter stays untouched, warts and all.]


I just wanted to make a few things clear since i never did and it still bothers me.

First of all, when i met you, i really did like you. it was really fun hanging out with you and talking and drinking and doing all the things friends did with each other. i really felt that we would be friends for a long time, and that made me pretty happy. it really was a blast going out, or even hanging around your apartment and watching tv and just laughing. just laughing with you was one of the things i enjoyed the most. then something happened.

i felt that the more i got to know you, and the more comfortable we felt with each other the more you criticized me. I smoke, have for a long time, if you really cared and felt that you wanted me to stop because it is unhealthy then a conversation would have been acceptable. instead, you made snide remarks about me smelling or made a condescending look at me if i lit up. look, i'm an adult, and i make my own decisions. like i said before, if you felt concerned and had a talk with me i would respect that, but making those comments, or even gestures like waving your hand in your face or giving me gum or mints was just plain rude. i am not a child and you are not my mother. i didn't say anything because you can be quite intimidating and for my own personal reasons, i do not like confronting people i am close to because i don't like to lose relationships. i guess i lost the relationship this time because i didn't speak up.

i feel like besides the smoking thing you would criticize me on other things like my shoes or clothes. like i said, i am an adult, i don't need someone to constantly make judgments about the way i dress myself or the actions i take. one joke here and there but all the time? especially because i know if i had ever criticized even jokingly the things you wear, you would have a fit. i just know it. and i didn't because a) i didn't really think about it and b) i find it to be totally unnecessary.

You overreacted in a lot of situations and i felt that you were angry which in turn put me in an angry mood. you got way too mad about the casting situation with rodolfo and in fact caused a huge fight between the two of us. we got over it that night, but you were still angry. so much in fact, that you said some hurtful things to me like " i don't ever want to hear about him, not even his name, OR THE FUCKED UP SITUATION YOU GUYS HAVE." I mean, you really took it harsh. First of all, you were saying that "we were taking MONEY away from you" because your name is attached to the project. As i remembered correctly, you did offer your help, but I know for a fact that I never hired you as our casting director. How did it turn into that? You completely took control over that. Yes, i really do sincerely apologize that I put you in that position, but your reaction was completely out of line. It was just too much.

There are a few more situations that I can mention but to be honest, its just too much to list. I can't believe i've written this much already. But i think the last things that happened that really put me over the edge were: the noney thing, my relationship with jani and you coming to my house when you wanted to eat fish tacos. When you asked me for Noney's availability to shoot your project, you were extremely pushy. I felt like I was working for you but i wasn't. it seems to me when you are doing someone a favor that you should treat them a little more nicely than demanding someone else's work schedule. from the beginning you should have asked for her number, instead you somehow made me the middle man and got angry with me, yes angry, because i didn't find it out. Excuse me? how is that appropriate? it is not. The second thing was Jani. Why did you make claim to him? We became friends and thats that. If you and him are friends or are not friends it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Third, when you came over to have fish tacos. Well, this thing, is very minor, but it was just the needle to break the camel's back. i had only a few (literally) hours sleep. You came over to eat, i said i didn't have money but you came over anyway. You came and asked for lotion, which i never have and you got ANNOYED with me because i didn't have it?!?! then you made fun of my shoes and we went to eat. you got ANNOYED with me because i wore my sunglasses inside (even though i explained that i felt like shit and didn't want anyone to see me) and you didn't even offer to buy me a $1.50 fish taco even though you pulled me out of bed. Once out, you made a comment about how nasty it is that someone was smoking and i was just over it. I don't want negativity in my life. i want to be happy. i have enough of my own struggles and can't be around a judgmental person anymore.
Crystal, I know this may be difficult to read, but i really do have to say this, at least for my own sake. I feel that i've been holding onto this for so long. I really cared about you. And i fear that a lot of this hatred comes from insecurities. Listen, i get it. I have my own shit, and i know that it comes out in bad ways. But, there are certain things that are unacceptable and do push people away. For some reason you stopped talking to me, i don't remember doing anything to you, but i'm sure you have your reasons. I really hope that if there is something wrong that you do get better because i know you aren't just this mean person, i know that you can be caring. I really do hope that things get better and i really would want to be your friend in the future, but not a relationship like this anymore.

Thanks for reading and take care.

zara