Ode to Jean Val Jean - Emmanuel Delcour

Dear Jean Val Jean:

We have only just met. I noticed your tardiness on Chef Academy as well as your sweet smile and nonchalance. With each passing indiscretion, you left your fellow classmates wondering who is this douchebag? But my feelings never wavered, you would never keep me waiting would you Jean Val Jean? But their annoyance of you caused them to goggle your birth name - Emmanuel Delcour and low and behold, the great Jean Val Jean was outed to the world. Porn Star Extraordinaire. How your presence has evaded me this long, I am uncertain, but it was destined that we should meet. I watch anything Bravo deigns to create. Your talents could only have gone unnoticed so long. Award winning adult star, great practitioner of analingus, body builder, graphic artist and fabulous chef. Beautiful, graceful ... who wouldn't want to take you home to mom? Hey mom, my baby daddy cooked, designed my website and one sheets, ran 5 miles and gave me 5 wicked orgasms today. What did you do today mom? Huh, what?

Oh Jean Val Jean, how you have my curiosities peaked. What is there to the art of analingus? Until today, I had never heard the word. It sounds so much nicer than tossing salad. How do you like your anus prepped? I imagine there is a bit of waxing and perhaps a spot of bleach. One doesn't want to stick a hairy two-toned sphincter in someone's face. That is just rude. What's your stance on enemas? Kills the spontaneity perhaps, but one doesn't want to catch hepatitis or pink eye for that matter. What flavors do you desire Jean Val Jean? Raspberry jam, caramel, white chocolate, lime sorbet? Might I suggest Nutella or would the color be off putting? Maybe you prefer the sweating, musky natural flavor (eau de female). Eureka, butterscotch. What's good enough for Chef Novelli is good enough for me. And as we're making sweet, sweet love (after the Quest Diagnostics full blood work up and a HPV vaccine (for you and me) - Thanks Dr. Drew for the heads up) please whisper those lovely words into my ear in that heavy French accent ... "no comment". Aw, i melt, i die, i melt.

Gerry and I Take Over the World

10:19amCrystal

gerry gerry gerry
draw something for me

10:21amGerry

eh ok
what ya nean ya didnt know i was an artist by the way......
dya think i was an english teacher??

10:21amCrystal

i must have forgotten

um, nobody in korea was an english teacher

10:22amGerry
true we all ahd our own devices

10:23amCrystal
and vices
like sex and booze
where are you?

10:23amGerry
eh yeah.....
back in dublin

10:23amCrystal

for good?

10:23amGerry
for sex n booze... no livin in cork
(the arse end of ireland)

10:24amCrystal

the arse end?

10:24amGerry

but definitely not for good...
well down south

just studyin
n then ill head off again

10:25amCrystal

what's your next move

10:26amGerry

s america methinks

10:26amCrystal

reallY?
you liar
where?

10:27amGerry

im thinking of sao paulo.....
or bunos aires
and venezuala
chile
anywhere ive mates

10:28amCrystal

i'm your mate
move to america? north america. the united states of ....

10:28amGerry

ugh

10:28amCrystal

you don't speak spanish or portuguese you liar

10:28amGerry

its full of americans lol

10:28amCrystal

lol
true

[HILARIOUS RANT MISSING ON HOW BAD CANADA IS, its a conspiracy by the Canucks, this I am sure of]

***********Recovered by Gerry (It's in Dublin time though)

6:24pmGerry

i can speak dirty words in portuguese

6:24pmCrystal

but americans love anything UK

6:24pmGerry

thanks to my ensemble of brazilian boys

im IRISH

6:25pmCrystal

they're faithful to those who colonized them that way

6:25pmGerry

we hate everything uk

6:25pmCrystal

true

6:25pmGerry

were not so faithful to our colonisers

6:27pmCrystal

we only have aspirations of dominating our colonizers

6:30pmGerry

and those with resources

6:32pmCrystal

of course

exploitation in the name of personal profit, greed and world domination is what life is all about

gerry, its the AMERICAN WAY!!!!!!!!

6:33pmGerry

lol im goin to canada

6:33pmCrystal

fuck canada

how dare you say that they are the bastard stepchild of Great Britain

they might as well be france

6:34pmGerry

ah but theyre so lovely and syrupy sweet

6:35pmCrystal

no they're not

they're closet racists

6:36pmGerry

ah but their exterior conceals the truth

6:36pmCrystal

not very well

6:36pmGerry

like a teddy bear concealing crack

6:37pmCrystal

and they aren't great contributors to the global community

they're the dessert equivalent of tapioca pudding

unless you count the Canadian defectors who dream of hollywood fame then become American citizens ala Pamela Anderson, Keanu Reeves and Jim Carrey

6:39pmGerry

isnt that contribution enough??

6:39pmCrystal

more than enough

6:39pmGerry

lol

6:40pmCrystal

you like the dessention don't you

6:41pmGerry

always

6:41pmCrystal

man i can't spell today

6:41pmGerry

no worries i can pick up on your phonetics

[BACK TO LA TIME]

10:46amCrystal

o Gerry, when are you going to become a born again Christian

turn straight
make passionate love to me
and my big gash as you so rudely put it
so when can have black irish babies

10:47amGerry
have you still got it sewn up??

10:47amCrystal

that you will teach phonetics
i'll sew it up for you baby
what do you say
they would be the most deliciously evil children in the world if you and I were the parents
we could start our own army

10:49amGerry
and take over canada...
and colonise all colonisers

10:49amCrystal
hells yeah!!!!!!!

10:49amGerry

sounds like a plan lets commence propogation
ill send ya some samples and a rubber glove i aint goin anywhere need your womanly wound

10:50amCrystal

hahahahahahahahahahahaha
artificials fine with me
we can have more children faster
and it won't interrupt with my sex life
penciling you into my busy social schedule

10:52amGerry
yeah we can find some cheap asians to carry the brood

10:52amCrystal

oooooo
that's a thought
surrogacy, i like where your mind is at
and we can get mexicans and russians to raise them

10:53amGerry
ooh good thinking........

10:53amCrystal

they'll be tri-lingual

10:53amGerry

theyll develop my penchant for tequila and vodka
mixed

10:54amCrystal
we could throw in a french au pair
that's a steele stomach

10:54amGerry

yeah thatll help them to integrate into canadian society

10:55amCrystal
tequlia and vodka mixed together, add rum, triple sec, sweet and sour and a little coke, you have an iced tea

10:55amGerry

and then over throw it

10:55amCrystal

yeah, a little par le vous
will throw off the Canucks, and then bam!
What prime minister? Bow down to Obama! Canada, You are now the 53rd state
right after Puerto Rico and Guam

10:57amGerry

ooh yeah and argentina.... where all the hot men are at

10:57amCrystal

Argentina is next!!!
how dare they be the only country on the planet to eat more beef than us

10:57amGerry

and then brazil....

10:57amCrystal

we can't have that
we have to be number 1 in everything
this includes beef eating!!!!

10:57amGerry

although ive conquered al lot of em already
what about salsa???

10:58amCrystal

Argentina will fall, we will not cry for you Evita!!!!!
salsa?
the dance or the dip?

10:58amGerry

both: mexico and brazil it is so

10:59amCrystal

i say we annex mexico like las vegas
let all the debauchery happen there
what happens in mexico stays in mexico
we just improve their clean water sources
enough with the diarrhea already
it's 2008[ it is in fact, 23 days into 2009], time to step it up
there will be no digestive parasites in my empire

11:00amGerry

probably have to stop the tequila binges too then

11:01amCrystal

why?
why stop the binges/

11:01amGerry

for your diarrhea probloems

11:02amCrystal

that's you
tequila only gives me headaches

11:02amGerry

lol
maybe ill stop mixin it with vodka

11:04amCrystal

yeah
add some mixer