You are an asshole. No two ways about. You cop an attitude unprevoked. You're an asshole. You think you know everything and you treat people like shit and you're a hot fucking mess. You are not God's gift to anything. You don't know anything. You're cute enough, but you're not blowing me out of the water with your beauty. You're a jackass. Which is a shame because you have a really big dick and you know how to use it. Your head is for shit, but hey nobody'e perfect. But I don't want to date you, I don't even want to fuck you anymore. I couldn't wait to get off and kick you out of my bed .... hell, my house. Well, its been real. Loose my number.

You're Engaged? Well Fuck You Then!!!

How dare you get engaged. How dare you find someone to love and adore and stand beside you before me. No, I never really liked you that much, and no I didn't want to marry you and have your ugly babies. But I wanted you to want that from me. I wanted you to pine after me forever. And how dare you get some cute hot young thing that doesn't care that you have a big pot belly and are going bald. You bastard. You sneaky jerk. Finding bliss while I'm still wading through this sea of single rejects. That will be me one day, by golly that should be me!!!!!!!


Apparently your vagina is hungry. Okay. I suppose its entitled. Maybe its hungry for a penis, or a mouth or some fingers. Some douche perhaps or an anti-yeast suppository or a tampon. What I'm sure it is not hungry for is your pants.

Why don't you have on any underdrawers? Where are your panties, Britney? And why are you going commando at work ... with stretch pants on. I don't need to know whether or not you have a landing strip, or a Brazillian or a full Vanessa Hudgens bush. I don't need to know the size of your labia or pubis mound or how it hangs when you bend over.

You are going to make me vomit. Go put on some real pants and a pair of full coverage briefs you skank whore.

Your Stinky Feet! Yuck!

Put your fucking shoes back on. How dare you have your stanking ass feet out at work. Do you not smell that shit? Then you have the audacity to walk around the office infecting the carpet with your toe jam, fungus and other atrocities. Have you no shame? Put these offending creatures on inanimate and animate objects alike handing out death sentences. All beings quake in their wake, hoping to be spared the fate of their touch. I vomit a little at the memory of the dirty nails and the jaundiced heels. How did you not get the memo that this is inappropriate. No shoes, no shirt, no job.

Playing Hooky

I'm playing hooky today. I can not afford to take to off work, but I don't care. I have an interview today, but I'm not going. Who am I fooling? I don't want to work in sales. Sales is the path to suicide. I'd just make a lot of money and spend a lot of money because I hated my job. That makes no fucking sense. So, today, I'm gonna chill. Sleep a little, maybe go to the post office. A nice brunch, a little afternoon sex, visit some friends at their job, take a nap. Basically just fuck off. Doesn't that sound nice. Just a personal day. A fuck the world I'm not doing shit today. It doesn't count when its a weekend day, or you're sick, or somebody died, or you just broke up with someone or your kid's missing. A fuck you day happens smack in the middle of the week (not a Monday or a Friday) when there's absolutely nothing wrong and you just say, "Fuck it. I'm not going to work." Danny knows what I'm talking about.

I'm not Racist. Yes, you are!!!!!

I'm not racist. My shoe shiner is black. My mammy is black. The woman who breast feeds my children is black. My trainer and my chef and my personal assistant are black. My maid is mexican. My lover is black. My wife's lover is black. The young man who's schtupping my daughter is black as midnight. My best friend is black. The guy that sits next to me is black. The bathroom attendant at the country club is black. So is my favorite caddy. My manicurist is korean. My favorite chef is Italian. Everyone knows they aren't that white. My dad's mistress is black. My first grade teacher was black. I watch black tv shows. They need all the ratings help they can get. I listen to the rap music in my SUV. I don't say any of the n-words when someone else is around. I drink Cristal because the Jay and the Z tell me to. I stop drinking the Cristal because the guy that make the champagne said some nasty things about the blacks. I love the blacks juicy booty juices. The full lips on my penis. The full booty and the sexy thighs me like. Who wants the pelvis bones poking into the stomach. I gives the daps real proper like. I likes a good tan. Who wants to be pasty. I'm not a fan of the white women. Unless its time to smack a bitch. They're really good for that. I only have one family member thats apart of the Klan. I only speak to Jonny on Thanksgiving. I mean he's funny as shit. I have to give him a shout out. I don't immediately wash my hands after shaking hands with a black person. I wait a little while. I don't say anything about the jews in public. You can't tell who's a Jew now adays. They don't just look like they do on TV. They're not all the NY/Jersey looking Jews. I actually like the stinky smell of ethnic food. Not in my house obviously. That shit gets all up in your curtains and your upholstery... Anyway, I'm NOT racist. I haven't hurled a slur in, in years. Now rub my feet and bow down to my whiteness.

What Type of Crazy are You?

People throw this word around too liberally. It has lost its meaning and validity. When someone calls you crazy, you don't know quite what they mean, quite how they feel. Let me help you.

Crazy Magnet -- This person doesn't have to be crazy themselves, they attract crazy. Homeless people, mental patients, alcoholics, sex workers, drug addicts, performance artists, racists, zealots anyone left of center wants to be their friend. Crazy Magnet's are usually very straight laced prudes, but not necessarily.

Party Crazy -- Party Crazy is a benign form of crazy. It's that crazy fun aunt you see at Thanksgiving who wears weird clothes and lives in SoHo and loves the bongos. Party Crazy is fun not tragic. It's usually fueled by alcohol and sarcasm. They are always fun to be around, they're social, their world view is a little askew/amusing. Party Crazy people are often impatient, hate stupid people and are prone to road rage.

Bitch Crazy -- This person is a hater. They are always complaining. They don't want anyone to be happy. This person is usually very self centered and flaky. They make grandiose plans only to consistently break them at the last minute. And they can turn any conversation into a conversation about them. They are often boring. They are always a wet blanket.

Love Nuts -- this is when a perfectly sane person (usually, but not always a woman) gets into a relationship with a jackass, sadist, manipulative, narcissist, megalomaniac and/or abusive person and driven crazy. This can be done gradually over time without immediate knowledge of the person who's being driven crazy. This crazy is messy. A once sane and rational person will start to behave erratically and irrationally all to preserve and/or fight for their dying, decaying, diseased, malignant, cancerous, relationship. The symptoms of Love Nuts is hanging up on people, petty arguments (like blowout dish breaking fights about who left out the mayonnaise), breaking things in general, auto vandalism (shattering windshields, slashing tires), home vandalism (throwing rocks through picture windows), stalking, B&E, reconnaissance, private investigating, devoting all ones time to spying on their "loved one." The prescription for this is breaking up with the person, stop talking to the person, burn everything they gave you and delete all phone numbers and email addresses. Perhaps a little light therapy depending on how bad your case was, and a little anger management never hurt anyone.

Crazy House Crazy -- a term coined by my mother (who stole it from someone else). This also can be filed under Bat Shit Crazy. This person needs help. Professional, psychological, three times a week help. Often with the aid of medication, i.e. Xanax, Zoloft, etc. These medications are not recreational. They need them. Do not siphon their pills. This person is crazy on their own merit. They are very often born crazy. It may run in the family. This person has irrational fears. Sometimes its abandonment or jealousy. This person can be very controlling. This person can very easily turn Love Nuts. But they give Love Nuts that little extra kick. They like a little arson, domestic violence, murder/suicide. Do not befriend these people. You can not save them. Do however refer them to a licensed professional.

Mariah Carey marries Nick Cannon. WTF?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon DATING is strange enough, but this chick marries her booty call. Okay, so my first instinct is to hate, but after seeing the wedding photos they look totally happy.

So, you go girl. You marry that young man and have babies and hot sex and good love and stability. I wish it on you. He's not exactly in your league, but he's no bum. He's spry, and confident. He's a producer and a go getter and he really seems smitten with you. You get your Ashton, Demi.

Hopefully, he won't cheat on you.