30 doesn't suck, life does ... well, okay not really

I've been a bad, bad girl.  I haven't been on here in ages.  There is a lot to catch up on.  First of all, I turned fucking 30.  Thirty!  Thirty means never having to say you're sorry. What do I have to show for it?  Not a kid, not a boyfriend or a husband.  Not a career.  All I have is a fucking fake ex-boyfriend with a history of pain, nostalgia, diseased love and what could have been.  Well, its time to shit or get off the pot.  2009 is the year of making dreams a reality.  Jeezus, this is redic.

5 Red Flags that Your Roommate has No Taste

I have the worst luck in roommates ever. I think I am cursed. I am always stuck with someone who either has the personality of a junior highschooler or the party aptitude of the frat boy. Learn from my mistakes and watch out for these warning signs.

1. They hang towels or tapestries on the wall (same as sheets for curtains)

2. Their significant other has no life, no job, no other friends

3. They think neon beer lamps are cool

4. Ditto on lazy susan liquor dispensors

5. They think art is hanging head shots of famous on the living room wall.

Happy House Hunting and Happy Halloween.


How on earth did I miss the whole month of September? Here's a recap. I went to Chicago for 2 weeks where upon I "kidnapped" my nephew and whisked him away from the suburbs to downtown Chicago for an urban education. Look Jaylen, here is the apple store, isn't this a wonderful and enchanting place? Doooo they have one of these in Oakpark, you don't say. Here are the lake streets, Ontario, Huron, Erie ... here are the tree streets Chestnut ... You get the picture. Shout out to the guy from the West burbs looking for the Metra on Michigan. I just remembered Randolph is a president street and I should have sent you back a mile in the other direction. My bad. Hope you're not still wandering down Lake Shore. I also went to a wedding in Atlanta where my godsister Arisha flashed my sister with polka dot underwear during the garter toss. Well, at least she had on underwear. And how was your month?

New Blogs

Check out my new blogs TVlicious and Moobie Snob, about TV and movies respectively.  I talk about new shows that haven't come out yet, shows that are out that you might not have gotten a chance to see and I give out shout outs to old shows that you have forgotten about that are now available only to watch for FREE!!!  Free is a good word.  On Moobie Snob, I will be reviewing high brow, low brow, medium brow, guilty pleasures, pretty much anything I have seen at the show and on rental to spread the word about the good shite out there that you are missing.  So spread the love.  Tell all you friends about it, link it to your page, all that jazz because we're trying to do it BIG!!!



You're not famous! Drop dead!

The rag mags are bad enough with all the famous people non-info.  Angelina takes a dump.  Jennifer Garner ovulates.  Josh Brolin likes it in jail.  Britney Spears is bat shit crazy, blah, blah, blah.  At least those people have talent or at least a job in the entertainment business.  But why am I hearing constant reports on Lauren fricking Conrad, and Heidi the idiot Montag.  That bitch, Lauren, is an asshole.  And why does a 22 year old have rinkles under her eyes. Looking at this old picture, that Heidi really did need a nose job. And why do people like Lauren, she's not a very nice person, but I digress.  I couldn't care less who she was shagging, hating on, befriending, spitting on, etc.  This goes quadruple for anyone who has ever been on any show resembling The Hills, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Survivor, The Apprentice, Big Brother (how is that stupid ass show still on the air) etc.  You people are not famous.  I don't care when you get married and/or have babies and/or go bankrupt and/or go to jail for tax evasion (what an idiot) and/or break up. I don't give a shit.  I don't even know who you are. Crawl back under the rock you came from.  Go back to your job of checking groceries, teaching preschool and picking up trash.  Your 15 minutes of fame never existed.  

Who the fuck are you to retire?

What is up with all of these rappers "retiring"?  What?  You can't retire.  You haven't been in the game long enough to retire.  You haven't put out enough albums to retire.  You're not famous enough, rich enough or moved enough units to retire.  Michael Jackson can retire.  Paul McCartney can retire.  Ozzy Osbourne can retire.  The Stones can retire.  Jay Z can retire.  LL Cool J needs to retire.  The wackness that is The Game and David Banner can't retire.  Those fuckers just quit.  To pursue acting.  ACTING!  Are you fucking shitting me?  You sold out to Hollywood.  I can see The Game because his fake ass is from L.A.  But Mississippi Banner?  What?  Shouldn't your first love be the mic, be mc-ing, be sick ass rhymes, not chasing after some pipe dream that is movie stardom?  We all can't be Will Smith.  They looking at that Will Smith money.  They looking at that Tom Cruise money.  Those two losers aren't pursuing acting for the love of the craft.  Puh-leez.  Sell that swamp land to somebody else.  It's the paper.  I'm just waiting for these two idiots to put out another album so I can say I told you so.  If either one of these Einsteins drops another album before the end of 2010, you owe me $50.  I don't take personal checks.  

Oops, my bad!

Holy Snapping Duck Do! I just twigged that I have not updated this since last month... You would not believe the fairy dust I have to clean up. I hope they bring chocolate!.

I am frantic with sleeping my way to the top, waiting for the onshore winds, just generally being a biatch to every Lost Boy that crosses my path, my day is passing in a blur from the second star on the right, straight on to I run out of alcohol. I am convinced that I absolutely deserve this after all my hard work. deal with it.

I solemnly swear I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. Seriously! What do you mean you don't believe me?.

It's all about ME ... and maybe sometimes you.

Wassup community, I have a new spot for links on my page. I've separated them into categories. Link snob is where I'll put cool and funny random links. My stories is where I've published my work on the web for you to peruse at your leisure. Also if you have a blog and would like me to add your link, I shall ... but only if its good or you're my friend or both. But I won't if its neither. Good day, more funny shite to come. I've been swamped at work.

Color Quiz

I took this Color Quiz and I'm posting my results because they are freakishly dead on. Those of you who know me, which is pretty much everyone that reads this site, know most of this stuff anyway, but its weird that these findings are based on the order in which you pick certain colors and I'm guessing the rate as well. I want you guys to take this quiz. I want to know if you get different results, and if you're willing to share, what results you got. Keep me posted.

Crystal's Existing Situation

Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.

Crystal's Stress Sources

Strives for straight-forward relationships, founded on mutual trust and understanding. Wishes to act only in conformity with her own convictions. Demands freedom to make her own decisions without being subjected to interference, outside influence, or the necessity of making compromises.

Crystal's Restrained Characteristics

Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.

Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Crystal's Desired Objective

Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from stress, and freedom from conflicts or disagreement. Takes pains to control the situation and its problems by proceeding cautiously. Has sensitivity of feeling and a fine eye for detail.

Crystal's Actual Problem

Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace.

Crystal's Actual Problem #2

Needs to protect herself against her tendency to be too trusting, as she finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.

Do Boring People Know They're Boring?

Do boring people know they make you want to fall asleep?  I have someone talking to me right now and I couldn't care less about what they're talking about.  Like I took a phone call in the middle of their conversation and they picked right back up where they left off when I got off the phone.  Now this is the same person who cannot be bothered to listen to anything you're saying, but when they're talking its all "are you listening to me?"  Hell no!!! I do not know what you're talking about, I don't know the people you're talking about, and I generally don't care what you're talking about.  Stop boring me half to death. Shut the hell up.

Black Chicks that act White

I don't understand this shit at all.  Maybe its the diction, the choice in fashion, the exclusively dating white boys, but something about this rare animal pisses me off.  Well, if you're a gangsta black chick dating white boys that's a different beast all together.  I'm talking about the black chicks who don't act black.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.  It's not that their subjects and verbs agree.  It's that they talk in a valley girl voice and they are not in fact from the valley.  They are from Cleveland or Brooklyn or New Orleans and they have adopted the valley girl since moving to L.A.  The other chicks I don't get is the skater black chicks who walk around saying dude and yeah man like they're some 80s throwback in 2008.  They have white people looking at them like they're crazy.  Who do you think you are fooling?  No one.  Talking like a Cameron Crowe reject will not fool white people into thinking you are white.  And why are you wearing them skinny ass jeans below your ass with that rock and roll stud belt on.  No one wants to see half of your ass literally hanging out every time you bend over.  No one.  You can still like rock and roll, skate board, surf, fuck the rainbow coalition, have great grammar, be over educated and still act black.  Look at Condi Rice.  That chick is gangster.  With most white folks trying to act black, you are the only fools trying to go the other way.  

Larenz Tate Your Life is Calling

Where the hell is Larenz Tate? Remember back when he had a career as a leading man? Menace II Society where he stole the show from Kain and Jada Pinkett. The Inkwell, Why Do Fools Fall in Love, Dead Presidents and of course Love Jones. Hmmmmm .... sweet, sweet love jones. Yeah, you can can't him on Rescue Me I guess, but that's not classic Tate. I need me some movie Tate. I don't want no TV Tate. I need to see Larenz busting a cap in somebodies ass or sexing up Nia Long way before Taye Diggs was hitting that.

Man, remember when black movies were good and sexy and well put together. Remember when they were intelligent and funny and relevant. Not garbage like Soul Plane and whatever crap the Wayans Bros. and Ice Cube and Tyler Perry are cranking out. When there was actual black cinema by people who went to film school and learned the craft and executed it well. Not folks that fell into making movies by doing plays and rapping and being stand up comedians. I'm not hating -- well not too much anyway -- and I commend Cube, Perry and the Wayans on there success on getting anything black out in this white dominated field and/or country, but step it up. Perry is a playwright and looking at his films you can tell. The dialogue is fine, but the technical aspects of the films have horrendously obvious mistakes. All I'm saying is pick up a book on how to make a movie, because its not the same as directing a play. Not even close. I don't know anyone that would classify the Wayans films as cinema, but they have a certain validity, and they're films gross 100 million. So, keep on keeping on. And Cube, he's actually the closest to having a complete product, but he seems to consistently fall short. All of his scripts have plot holes and implausibilities that I can not ignore. Oh, how I yearn for the 90s when there was a variety and an abundance of black cinema that showed different aspects and walks of life within the black culture and didn't just serve to perpetuate stereotypes and highlight buffoonery. Nowadays, it's slim pickings.

So Larenz get your pals back out and crank some shit out. Matter fact, where is my final draft? Let me get to writing something for you and Taye Diggs. Get yall asses off TV and back on the silver screen where you belong.

James McAvoy is my Baby Daddy.

Yeah I said it. And some of you have heard me say it before and with the release of Wanted I reiterate this point. I'm not going to comment on whether or not I think Wanted is a good movie. I'm only going to comment on the fact that I want to have sex with and birth James McAvoy's bastard children (or non-bastard if he wants to get married, his choice). I'm digging this dude and have been since Last King of Scotland, though I must admit that I fell asleep on it the first time but that had more to do with me being sleepy and it being the third movie I watched in row. My sister watched the whole thing and she'll fall asleep on anything she watches past 9p.m. so it must have been good. Anyway, I loved him in Atonement and the Jane Austen, and The Children of Dune miniseries that I didn't know he was in but aired on Sci Fi and actually watched was addicted to and attracted to that dude that starred in it (what's his name? hmm....) and Narnia as a half goat, and in that 10 items or less of the things I hate about you left in the world -- or whatever the name of that movie is that no one saw that's kind of like that movie with what's his name from the Good Son that's got Run Lola Run in it and that Mandy Moore taste like candy girl. Man it must be national free word association day. But I bet there's some film nerd out there that knows exactly who and what I'm talking about. The point is James MacAvoy is hot and he makes me feel all warm and tingling in the pants. I'm going to give him a 3 egg rating. That's right, I'm willing to set aside 3 of my eggs for him to fertilize at a later date. It's just like stars but grosser. Mmmmm....haggis....and kilts ... and balls. Okay, okay, I'm going to sleep now.

T.I. is Coming for you No Matter What!!!!

Get ready cause he's coming. Sept 2, Paper Trail drops and that first single No Matter What is fire. Don't sleep on him. It's not too late to jump on the band wagon. You should have been on by the King album, really by the singles Rubberband Man and Bring Him Out. Hova named two successors. One of them is the crown prince Weezy, T.I. is the other. Gun charges aside. TI is hands down a genius. If he can only keep his nose clean. If he doesn't, that makes good music, too. I'm sure I'm not the only one outside of T.I.'s family that's glad his sentence was reduced to 3 months. I've been looking to see who would challenge Weezy's reign. Should have known it would be Tip. Man I love these boyz.

I Heart Gene Simmons

Is it just me or is Gene Simmons : Family Jewels hilarious? Gene Simmons is the consumate straight man. He got the show because he's Gene Simmons. He kept the show because his family is endearing, stand up comedians in their own right, and very interesting in different ways. Gene is the squarest rock star you ever want to meet. The only thing that is rock star about him is lust for sex, and he's been having sex with the same woman for the past 20 years. He doesn't drink. He doesn't do drugs. Nor has he ever. The only thing he is addicted to is work and making money. Shannon Tweed is always trying to pull one over on stodgy Gene. Shannon's sister Tracey is crazy in a fun way. His son is cute. His daughter is gorgeous and smart. They're just a normal family. They're no Osbournes. The kids won't grow up to have eating disorders and have multiple stints in rehabs. You want the Simmons to be your neighbors and your friends. There is no fear that Shannon will chuck a ham at you. Its just a good clean fun time.

Madonna : Too Old?

Madonna can't even sell out L.A.? Is the Material Girl's reign coming to an end? Is she getting too old to do stadium? Janet is still doing stadium. So are the Rolling Stones and Sting. So, age isn't really a factor. I guess hotness is. But Madonna hasn't really failed to deliver since the mid-90s when she was donning gold teeth and trying to have Dennis Rodman's mocha chocolatta babies. So, what's going on with tickets sales? Is it the economy? That gas is $50 a tank full at minimum. I'm currently paying $63 for regular unleaded. That natural gas and electric utilities are up 10% -- which is alot when you factor in that the temperature isn't going down, but going up. Last Week in LA it was 115 degrees and we haven't even hit July & August. That's Las Vegas, Phoenix weather not Los Angeles. Food prices are up too, anything with corn in it (which is everything check your labels) is up. Eggs and milk are up. Milk is $8 in Hawaii. Something's got to give. Now, you know I love me a good concert, but that's an extraneous cost. When its costing me $150/week just to live, drive to work, and eat (and I don't mean high off the hog, either), do I have $150 to spend on a 50 year old writhing around in a spandex leotard, some fishnets and platform shoes (that includes Gene Simmons)? Um, no, I don't.

Oh yeah, 50 is too old to dress like a street walker. Wait, what is Cher wearing these days? Never mind.

Whitety Kane

Is it me or is it wrong to take 2 black girls from the hood, white wash them and stick them in a girl group called Danity Kane. This is pop with no possible edge. Its sticky sweet and boring. Are these girls for real? More importantly is Puffy for real? Pop needs an edge. Britney Spears' reign is over. Long live Pussycat Dolls and Amy Winehouse and Katy Perry. People with a little something extra.

NeYo is a Big Flaming Homo

Is it just me or are those rumors about NeYo possibly true. His video for closer could not be any gayer. First off its all about the dancing. Which is fine, but its all recycled Michael Jackson dance moves. Be innovative like Chris Brown, Usher or even Omarion. Second, NeYo's video Closer is not about the girl. You're talking about getting closer to a girl and she is not the focus of the video. You never see a close up of her. It's all ugly ass NeYo close ups grimacing at the camera. I guess he thinks that's sexy. It's not. Well, it might be to men. Check any rap/Hip Hop video, it's all about the girl. Maybe NeYo's not gay. Maybe he's just vain.

Nope, he's a homo. Even Kanye will give a ho a close up.

Where in the World is Eminem?

July must be music month cause I gots alots to say. Where is my Em? I know he's still sad that his best bud was shot in the head in a club a couple of years ago over some nonsense, but Kanye's mom died and that bastard was like "gear up the world tour." Juvenille's daughter was killed and he put on a show the same day. Okay, now that last one was plain ridiculous. I say put some of that grief into a song. You could dedicate a whole album to crying and trials and tribulations and such. We'll listen. We know that even though you're rich, you still have it rough. Come on back Em. The world is waiting.

Old Dudes on the Block

What the fuck? New Kids on the block's new single is like being in a time warp. I didn't realize I was still in 4th grade. Are they for real? With the dance moves and the good time pop? Would New Edition pretend they weren't 20 years older?! No. And Donnie Wahlberg? You've had like 7 tv shows since New Kids. You still trying play the kid? The rapper? Ain't all yall 40? With wives? and 8 kids? and some dogs? mortgages? and hemorrhoids? I'm just saying. I'm all for a good comeback, but this is ridiculous. Is this what the oldies station sounds like. New Kids on the Block and old NSync. Oh Man, that's sad.

Weezy F. Baby

The man is murdering them ... mercilessly. There is no hotter MC than him right now. No one!! Not Hova who hasn't fell off but has already peaked. Not bobble bubbled headed self hyped Kanye. Not Eminem who's on hiatus and still grieving over the death of his best friend, not T.I. who can't keep his nose clean and the Feds out of his face. Not 50 Cent, who can rock a mean hook, but can't write a decent verse to save his fucking life. Not Young Jeezy who consistently delivers hot sultry raspy verses that only black people can understand and white people don't know who the hell he is. And as far as I'm concerned T-Pain or Akon can fall off the face of the earth. The man did 700+ tracks last year alone. He was on everybody's single making that shit hotter.

Wayne is comparing himself to Hova and more importantly Tupac and Notorious B.I.G and rightly so. His rhymes are sick. Anyone after 30 years still thinking this isn't an artform is living under a rock. Wayne has never tried to crank out radio hits. Unlike his peers, he just makes hits. Eminem is a prime example of pandering to the lowest common denominator. Way too talented to be releasing schlock like Will the Real Slim Shady Please stand and much of that garbage on his first album. Nas is a formidable opponent, too, but he's inconsistent. Hova called him out on it, but Nas gave him the smack down with Ether. But ultimately Hova's still right. 80% of Nas' music is bullshitty shit. You ain't gang banging. Nas, you need to stick to uplifting gangster music. That will service you well. Hova held it down for a good 8 years. Not too bad. You still ain't trying to battle him on the mic, but he's like Michael Jordan ... trying to retire but just love the game too much. He'll still be around.

Kanye had it right on that Lollipop remix telling Wayne that he ain't gonna murder him on the track like Wayne murders everyone else, but it goes round and round. Kanye didn't get murdered on the Lollipop remix with Wayne, but he also didn't murder Wayne on his song. Jay Z murdered Kanye on that Diamonds are Forever song of Kanye's. Nas rapped on Ether about how Eminem murdered Jay on one of his songs, which was true. Tupac murdered Biggie on that diss track about Faith Evans. 50 murdered Ja Rule and ended his fucking career. T.I. murdered Erykah Badu's little brother, Lil .... Lil somebody. You don't hear me saying anything about anyone murdered Wayne .... and you won't.

It's Lil Wayne's decade. He's just hungry. Like that Biggie interview or that Jay Z song My First Song. You have to stay hungry. And Wayne is ferocious. This man is poised to have a longer and better career than LL Cool J. I bet you can't find one person who still doesn't know who that is. Weezy's been in the game for 10 years already and he's only 25. And he just keeps getting better exponentially. I don't want to say that since he's stopped exclusively collaborating with Mannie Fresh that he's has grown and become more daring, creative and bolder as an artist, but damn I just did. I'm not only recommending you buy the Carter III, but the Carter II and even I. And if you already stole it when you see Weez in the street, just hand him your 20 directly. He'll know what's for and he won't even be mad.

T.I. get your shit together and fall in. Mount Rapmore is calling you. Tupac, Notorious BIG, Jay Z, Lil Wayne and you on the right. How bad you want it? Em, its room for you too baby. Get your last cry out and meet 'em on top of the mountain.

Et Tu Brutus?

Kristin Davis. You naughty minx. I reiterate : don't let your boyfriend take pictures or video of you sucking his cock. It's like getting a tattoo of his name on your body. You will break up. And you look like an idiot. After you piss him off and he posts this on the web, you look like a whore. He looks like a stud even though he's usually not even in the photo. You don't even see him. Just his scraggly old cock. All people will remember about the incident is you with a mouth full of cock. Not even Mother Theresa, the Virgin Mary or Princess Diana can come back from that one. Suck cock in private, behind closed doors after you've scanned the room for spy devices, extraneous cell phones and pin holes in the ceiling and or ceiling fan. Stop eating cock and looking knowingly into the camera. At least have someone catch you unawares. Posting this shit without the consent of both naked parties should be illegal and punishable by death. Except for me of course.


You are an asshole. No two ways about. You cop an attitude unprevoked. You're an asshole. You think you know everything and you treat people like shit and you're a hot fucking mess. You are not God's gift to anything. You don't know anything. You're cute enough, but you're not blowing me out of the water with your beauty. You're a jackass. Which is a shame because you have a really big dick and you know how to use it. Your head is for shit, but hey nobody'e perfect. But I don't want to date you, I don't even want to fuck you anymore. I couldn't wait to get off and kick you out of my bed .... hell, my house. Well, its been real. Loose my number.

You're Engaged? Well Fuck You Then!!!

How dare you get engaged. How dare you find someone to love and adore and stand beside you before me. No, I never really liked you that much, and no I didn't want to marry you and have your ugly babies. But I wanted you to want that from me. I wanted you to pine after me forever. And how dare you get some cute hot young thing that doesn't care that you have a big pot belly and are going bald. You bastard. You sneaky jerk. Finding bliss while I'm still wading through this sea of single rejects. That will be me one day, by golly that should be me!!!!!!!


Apparently your vagina is hungry. Okay. I suppose its entitled. Maybe its hungry for a penis, or a mouth or some fingers. Some douche perhaps or an anti-yeast suppository or a tampon. What I'm sure it is not hungry for is your pants.

Why don't you have on any underdrawers? Where are your panties, Britney? And why are you going commando at work ... with stretch pants on. I don't need to know whether or not you have a landing strip, or a Brazillian or a full Vanessa Hudgens bush. I don't need to know the size of your labia or pubis mound or how it hangs when you bend over.

You are going to make me vomit. Go put on some real pants and a pair of full coverage briefs you skank whore.

Your Stinky Feet! Yuck!

Put your fucking shoes back on. How dare you have your stanking ass feet out at work. Do you not smell that shit? Then you have the audacity to walk around the office infecting the carpet with your toe jam, fungus and other atrocities. Have you no shame? Put these offending creatures on inanimate and animate objects alike handing out death sentences. All beings quake in their wake, hoping to be spared the fate of their touch. I vomit a little at the memory of the dirty nails and the jaundiced heels. How did you not get the memo that this is inappropriate. No shoes, no shirt, no job.

Playing Hooky

I'm playing hooky today. I can not afford to take to off work, but I don't care. I have an interview today, but I'm not going. Who am I fooling? I don't want to work in sales. Sales is the path to suicide. I'd just make a lot of money and spend a lot of money because I hated my job. That makes no fucking sense. So, today, I'm gonna chill. Sleep a little, maybe go to the post office. A nice brunch, a little afternoon sex, visit some friends at their job, take a nap. Basically just fuck off. Doesn't that sound nice. Just a personal day. A fuck the world I'm not doing shit today. It doesn't count when its a weekend day, or you're sick, or somebody died, or you just broke up with someone or your kid's missing. A fuck you day happens smack in the middle of the week (not a Monday or a Friday) when there's absolutely nothing wrong and you just say, "Fuck it. I'm not going to work." Danny knows what I'm talking about.

I'm not Racist. Yes, you are!!!!!

I'm not racist. My shoe shiner is black. My mammy is black. The woman who breast feeds my children is black. My trainer and my chef and my personal assistant are black. My maid is mexican. My lover is black. My wife's lover is black. The young man who's schtupping my daughter is black as midnight. My best friend is black. The guy that sits next to me is black. The bathroom attendant at the country club is black. So is my favorite caddy. My manicurist is korean. My favorite chef is Italian. Everyone knows they aren't that white. My dad's mistress is black. My first grade teacher was black. I watch black tv shows. They need all the ratings help they can get. I listen to the rap music in my SUV. I don't say any of the n-words when someone else is around. I drink Cristal because the Jay and the Z tell me to. I stop drinking the Cristal because the guy that make the champagne said some nasty things about the blacks. I love the blacks juicy booty juices. The full lips on my penis. The full booty and the sexy thighs me like. Who wants the pelvis bones poking into the stomach. I gives the daps real proper like. I likes a good tan. Who wants to be pasty. I'm not a fan of the white women. Unless its time to smack a bitch. They're really good for that. I only have one family member thats apart of the Klan. I only speak to Jonny on Thanksgiving. I mean he's funny as shit. I have to give him a shout out. I don't immediately wash my hands after shaking hands with a black person. I wait a little while. I don't say anything about the jews in public. You can't tell who's a Jew now adays. They don't just look like they do on TV. They're not all the NY/Jersey looking Jews. I actually like the stinky smell of ethnic food. Not in my house obviously. That shit gets all up in your curtains and your upholstery... Anyway, I'm NOT racist. I haven't hurled a slur in, in years. Now rub my feet and bow down to my whiteness.

What Type of Crazy are You?

People throw this word around too liberally. It has lost its meaning and validity. When someone calls you crazy, you don't know quite what they mean, quite how they feel. Let me help you.

Crazy Magnet -- This person doesn't have to be crazy themselves, they attract crazy. Homeless people, mental patients, alcoholics, sex workers, drug addicts, performance artists, racists, zealots anyone left of center wants to be their friend. Crazy Magnet's are usually very straight laced prudes, but not necessarily.

Party Crazy -- Party Crazy is a benign form of crazy. It's that crazy fun aunt you see at Thanksgiving who wears weird clothes and lives in SoHo and loves the bongos. Party Crazy is fun not tragic. It's usually fueled by alcohol and sarcasm. They are always fun to be around, they're social, their world view is a little askew/amusing. Party Crazy people are often impatient, hate stupid people and are prone to road rage.

Bitch Crazy -- This person is a hater. They are always complaining. They don't want anyone to be happy. This person is usually very self centered and flaky. They make grandiose plans only to consistently break them at the last minute. And they can turn any conversation into a conversation about them. They are often boring. They are always a wet blanket.

Love Nuts -- this is when a perfectly sane person (usually, but not always a woman) gets into a relationship with a jackass, sadist, manipulative, narcissist, megalomaniac and/or abusive person and driven crazy. This can be done gradually over time without immediate knowledge of the person who's being driven crazy. This crazy is messy. A once sane and rational person will start to behave erratically and irrationally all to preserve and/or fight for their dying, decaying, diseased, malignant, cancerous, relationship. The symptoms of Love Nuts is hanging up on people, petty arguments (like blowout dish breaking fights about who left out the mayonnaise), breaking things in general, auto vandalism (shattering windshields, slashing tires), home vandalism (throwing rocks through picture windows), stalking, B&E, reconnaissance, private investigating, devoting all ones time to spying on their "loved one." The prescription for this is breaking up with the person, stop talking to the person, burn everything they gave you and delete all phone numbers and email addresses. Perhaps a little light therapy depending on how bad your case was, and a little anger management never hurt anyone.

Crazy House Crazy -- a term coined by my mother (who stole it from someone else). This also can be filed under Bat Shit Crazy. This person needs help. Professional, psychological, three times a week help. Often with the aid of medication, i.e. Xanax, Zoloft, etc. These medications are not recreational. They need them. Do not siphon their pills. This person is crazy on their own merit. They are very often born crazy. It may run in the family. This person has irrational fears. Sometimes its abandonment or jealousy. This person can be very controlling. This person can very easily turn Love Nuts. But they give Love Nuts that little extra kick. They like a little arson, domestic violence, murder/suicide. Do not befriend these people. You can not save them. Do however refer them to a licensed professional.

Mariah Carey marries Nick Cannon. WTF?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon DATING is strange enough, but this chick marries her booty call. Okay, so my first instinct is to hate, but after seeing the wedding photos they look totally happy.

So, you go girl. You marry that young man and have babies and hot sex and good love and stability. I wish it on you. He's not exactly in your league, but he's no bum. He's spry, and confident. He's a producer and a go getter and he really seems smitten with you. You get your Ashton, Demi.

Hopefully, he won't cheat on you.

Wesley Snipes gets 3 years in Prison. Who the Hell Cares?

Wesley Snipes is going to prison for 3 years for tax evasion. Who the hell cares? While his celebrity friends wrote letters to the government trying to Free Willy, something was conspicuously missing from all of these letters. Wesley Snipes is a nice person. Not even his friends can say that with a straight face. Wesley Snipes is an asshole that black people have given up on long ago. He's a wife beater (see Halle Berry's deaf ear), he's difficult to work with (see his non vast selection of films to choose from though still as talented as he was in New Jack City, Mo Better Blues or White Men Can't Jump, etc) and he abandoned the sistas for an Asian Woman (also see Dave Chappelle).

You can not NOT pay your taxes. Even though paying taxes is not constitutional, there are not laws that say you MUST pay taxes and the Federal Reserve Bank is a private bank above the laws of this great land run by a bunch of shiesters. But I digress. Wesley Snipes is a jackass who tried to claim illegal alien status to get out of paying taxes. Is he for real? Did he really try to pull a Mexican. Pull a Shanghai? What a jackass. He'll get out just in time to make more B martial arts films. He considers Korea to be his second home. Is he for real? I lived in Korea. Wesley, they don't like darkies. Not even famous ones. (That might be a tad bit racist, but it's true.)

Fresh Snatch

Seriously people, are we now under the skirts of Emily Watson of Harry Potter fame. She just turned 18 thirty seconds ago and now we're plastered her newly legal snatch across the Internet. Paparazzi do you have no shame? Don't answer that. She has on panties, sheer panties, but panties just the same. I'm starting to think that Paparazzi is a synonym for pedophile or sexual predator. Where are the bathroom shots of male celebrities rocking out with their cocks out. Where's Justin Timberlake's penis? Where's Ashton Kutcher's dong? Penn Badgley's scrotum? Where's Chris Brown's schlong? Huh? Where are the equal opportunity pervert paparazzo? I'm sure people would pay good money to see Tyson Beckford's dick. Or Tom Cruise. Or Will Smith. No one is swinging the camera low shooting up their shorts. Fucking hypocrites.

UnderCover Lover

Dear UnderCover Lover, we're all grown and sexy here. I don't want you to be my boyfriend. I don't want you to be faithful. I don't want to talk on the phone with you all night or go to the movies. I don't want to hang out. I don't want you to take my car to get washed or cook me dinner. I don't want you to do my laundry or wash the dishes. We don't need to share our hopes and dreams. Our fears and doubts. I just want to sex you up. Biweekly as my schedule allows. Hard and strong, fast and good.

What I don't need to see is any evidence of your other women. I know they exist in the back of my mind. And I don't want to be exclusive, so that's fine. But I don't want to find their bra under your bed, their earring in your couch or their tampon applicator in your bathroom trash. I don't want to find their panties in your glove box. Seriously, ew. I don't want to run into these women in the bank, the grocery store, biology class, the gym or at work. I don't want them to be related to me, or know me, know of me, have heard of me, have breathed on me and vice versa.

Here's my only request. Don't shit where you eat. Simple and plain. Now feel free to fuck the billions of people I don't know on the other side of town, the state, the country, the world, the universe.

This is not rocket science.

Rice Cakes are for Pussies

No self respecting man eats rice cakes. Rice cakes are for pussies. Men eat meat and potatoes and beans. Men fart and scratch and throw their clothes on the floor. Men wear jeans five times before washing them. Men drive big gas gussling SUVs and flip people off and tell dirty jokes. Men wash the vagina juice off of their genitalia immediately after coitus and then proceed with the rest of their day of golf and bowling and drinking single malt whiskey. Men do not eat rice cakes. For god sakes man, man up.

You are too damn old to be a Gangster

You are too damn old to be a gangster. You have got to be kidding. You've been thugging what 20-25 years now? Its time to hang up the gat for a laptop or a golf club or a damn newspaper. Move your stupid ass out of the hood. Take care of your kids and use a damn condom so you won't have another one you can't afford. Take them Bebe's kids to a ballgame or a the museum or shit, to school. Go back to school your damn self. Dumb is not cute. Get a legal job. One where getting shot isn't an occupational hazard. Look for some upward mobility. Pay your bills. Take that grill out your damn mouth and brush your stanking ass teeth. Trade in them jerzees and white Ts for some real damn clothes. Sell them dumb ass 50K rims on that 98 dodge neon and buy you a volvo. Move your lazy ass out of your mama's house. You are not gangster. You are an idiot. You are fucking 40. Grow the hell up. Damn it.

Who the hell is Matthew Santos? (featuring Lupe Fiasco)

Who the hell is this Matthew Santos dude singing the hook for that Lupe Fiasco song "Superstar"? He is hot to death. I love his voice, and he makes that fricking song. Truth be told he sings a couple of hooks for Lupe. Move over Adam Levine from Maroon 5 and Chris Martin. This is raps new "white boy" (really he's Latino, well half anyway) hook bringer. What I want to know is when does his album drop? You need to cop that "The Cool" album from Mr. Fiasco. It's much more accessible than it's predecessor.

Okay, Food and Liquor was good, too. Maybe you're interested in Matthers of the Bittersweat by Santos. Your choice.

Homos faking Hetero

There has never been a better time on earth to be gay. Well, maybe back in early Greece or Rome. But it ain't too shabby now either. With gay representation on mainstream television like Will & Grace, The Real World, The L Word and anything on Bravo, you can't throw a stone at the remote without hitting some hot homo fashionista. Even the straight shows have the minority gay character to accompany their lonely black friend.

Now, what I don't understand is why some folks born after 1975 are still in the closet. Do you seriously think we don't know. You faking dates with women and making up fictitious "girlfriends" that live in Canada ain't foolin nobody. Come on out the closet, you're a corn holer or a rug muncher. It's okay, nobody cares. Let your freak flag fly. Stop lying to me about how you banged Susie last night. You are flaming. Flame on.

Natalie Portman is Gangsta, Bitch!

With all of these 25 worst rappers of all time lists floating around from people who are no more qualified to nominee anyone let alone judge the people they deem to be on it, I just want to take a step back to give credit where credit is due. Natalie Portman is gangta, bitch!! If you haven't seen the SNL skit of Natalie gangster rapping, youtube or hulu that shit. It's hilarious and I totally believe the delivery. Adam Sandberg tries to chime in with a weak ass chorus too late into the song, but other than that this performance is stellar. Who knew killing dogs for fun could sound so gangster? Michael Vick, but who else? Check it out.


Road Tripping

You hear it. The call of the open road. The mountains, the plains, the beach, the desert, the forest. It's all calling you. The motels, the truck stops, the lotto tickets, the state troopers, the dives, the zaney attractions. It's all there for the taking. Answer the call. Satisfy your wonderlust. Get your road dog and your vitamin water and your frapuccino and your ipod. Get in your Mustang or your Jetta or your Monte Carlo or your Vespa and get on that damn road. Go to Vegas or Atlanta or Chicago or Chaing Mai. Get the hell out of here. Your life is calling.

Alicia Keys is Racist

Okay, not really, but it sounds catchy, right? What she did do was speak out of turn in an interview, didn't bother to clarify, claimed to be misquoted and immediately started back tracking. Now she said something to the affect of "gangster rap is a ploy [by white music execs] to get black people to kill each other." I'm not going to debate whether or not any of that is true. What is up for debate is who she said it to and why she didn't state her intentions clearer. She spoke out of turn, in mixed company. Mixed company in this case being black and white, not men and women.

This is like Kanye West going on national TV stating that George Bush doesn't like black people. While hilarious and/or true, that was not perhaps the correct forum for that discussion. Mr. West later stated in one of his songs that he was talking on TV as if talking in a closed conversation to a room full of blacks. This is how I feel about Ms. Keys' comment.

She was speaking with implied knowledge that someone outside of the race and/or music industry (this does not include music journalists) would have no clue of the magnitude, significance, tongue and cheek, and inner workings of that statement. The fact that she said something so outlandish reminds me of the crazy musings of Denny Krane (Boston Legal) or Tracy Jordan (30 Rock). Though fictional characters, their crazy laments seem nutzo, but in the context of their character's world, they are quite rational. While Key's statement seems out of touch, with her inner knowledge of the workings of the music industry, perhaps to other artists and music industry professionals, her statement may seem dead on.

Or she's a whack job, your choice.

Signs that you might still be in love with your Ex

1. You hate their guts.

2. You still have sex with them.

3. You daydream about ways your new lover/mate will out-do them.

4. You still remember what their nether region looks like.

5. Most of your cell phones minutes are clocked on their phone number.

6. You think of new and inventive ways to sneak in a nonthreatening I love you.

7. You wouldn't be mad if you accidentally had their baby.

8. If they wanted to get back together, you would.

9. You answer their call no matter what you're doing (except sexing other people).

10. You hate their guts.

Ugly Babies

Why does everyone think their child, grandchild, niece and/or nephew is cute? I'm here to tell you they are not. This is like high school. Some of you are cute and some of you aren't, but here's the other thing about babies. Some of them will grow up to be cute adults like Rudy Huxtable and Punky Brewster and some of them will not like Macaulay Culkin. So, while you kid may be cute now, there is no guarantee that they'll stay that way. And just because your kid looks like a Gila monster doesn't mean they won't outgrow it and become beautiful. So, if you want to lament on how cute your child is, hold that thought. Call me when they're 18 or 21 or 30, THEN we'll see what's what.

Shut up and leave me Alone!!!!!!!

Why is it that when you're tired, you're also very cranky. I spend all my day talking and talking and talking to people. The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk to you. Get out of my face. I just walked in the door 30 seconds ago. This goes double for when I first wake up and when I first get into work. Give me a second to relax and ease into my day with some peace and quiet. Don't ask me any questions, don't give me any pop culture updates, i don't want the dead body report from the news. Just get out of my face and leave me be. I'm tired, and apparently cranky. And you're not talking about shit anyway.

A Tooth full of Wisdom

I'm having my wisdom teeth extracted and I am not excited about it. These teeth contain no wisdom. They have given me nothing but heartache and pain since their conception. I am looking forward to the high recovery and the time off work. I am not looking forward to the pain of recovery and the time to make up work. So, have a little sympathy for the woman that's about to be high and cracked out on Vicodin against her will. Boo hoo hoo.

Coffee makes you Poo

I don't know what it is about a cup of coffee that gets the ole intestines rolling. But coffee makes you poo-poo. Twenty minutes after a good cup of joe will send me to the bathroom to clean out my colon. I don't know why people are ever constipated. Caffeine is the cure. It hurry things right along. You didn't even know you had to go until you've had a cup of coffee or two. So, the next time you're on the porcelain throne praying for a miracle, take a break from the strain of breaking blood vessels in your face and percolate you a nice cup of Sanka. Plop, plop fizz fizz, now that's the ticket! Wait a minute ..... that's Alka Seltzer. Ah, screw it, you know what I mean.

Signs that you might be dating a Gigolo

1. He's way better at sex than you, and I don't mean marginally. I mean infinitely better than anyone you've ever heard of even through your girlfriends.

2. He uses positions you've never heard of. His standard missionary is called upside down reverse horseman. You don't know what that is do you?

3. He calls out plays during sex like a football coach. 69, 39, 89, doggie, froggie, tip drill, Paul Bunyun. Those are all real things.

4. You never kiss him because his mouth always tastes like pussy (or penis, depending...), and I don't mean yours.

5. He's gorgeous, but he's still interested in your undersmile or do dads.

6. If he doesn't have sex regularly, he will die.

7. He schedules you like a doctor's appointment.

8. His witty repartee is less than stellar.

9. He has a big penis and knows how to use it.

10. He hold lessons on how to do it every third Saturday of every month at $300/hr.

11. He obsessively grooms his pubic hair.

12. He charges you money for sex.

Avoid the pitfalls of dating a gigolo and/or enjoy the ride. Your choice.

For stories of real gigolos check out :



Mommy, Qiana is trying to Convert me, again

C: you know the difference between my profile and yours? my religious views statement doesn't leave me open to be converted by bible thumpers.

Q: lol...never thought about that...i dont even remember what i wrote..

C: you know i don't even like to be converted into proper bowling or the benefits of flu shots, you can only imagine how i feel about someone pushing their religion on me, and by the way, stop sending me those praise the lord, everyday is a blessing chain letters before i sic Jesus on you.

Q: go on 'head! sic Him on me! i loves the Lord. and if loving the Lord is wrong, i don't want to be right!

seriously though, you look at 'em as chain mail, but i believe in prayer. i'm not super religious or bible thumpin' by far (trust, i still have my heathen card in my wallet), but i believe that blessings come when folks take the time to pray. and i don't send those out to everyone. everyday is a blessing, cuz i managed to wake up when other folks around me didn't. maybe i'm more sensitive cuz i'm seeing sickness and death at the hospital...at any rate, its important for me to let those i love know i'm thinking about them...even when they're in california sinning with the best of them ;o)

C: stop sending me chain mail. i don't consider chain mail to be prayer. i consider it to be harrassment. respect my religious freedom. i don't need your chain mail blessings woman. i'm thinking of you, too, WITHOUT junking up your inbox with crap. i'm siccing Jesus on you and not the hot Jesus on the cross, but the vengeful you woke me up from nap Jesus, that I know and love.

be afraid, he's gon getcha.


Why do creepy guys always think they're charming? Why can their smile just make your skin crawl. The way their mouth is formed makes you want to vomit. It's not necessarily their appearance, but its how you feel about them in contrast to how they feel about you. Its the discrepancy. It's the unwanted attention of a sexual harasser. It the inappropriateness of the language and the content of their conversation. Its the imagined closeness that is all in their mind. Its the nicknames of honey and sweetheart and hotstuff. Its the shudder you feel when they touch you. Its all in their leer, the hovering over your desk, the standing just out of your line of vision. Its the adoration and the concentration and the worship and the fantasy. Its the eye undressing, the skin suit measurements, lotioning up at the bottom of a well.

I refuse to be stalked. Move the hell on before I have to shoot you. Seriously, don't make me have to stab a mother--.

Beyonce & Jay Z finally got Hitched

Good for them. They finally got married while managing to thwart most of the press. No pictures to reveal, no interviews. They got married pretty close to total secrecy. Why is everyone hating on this couple getting married?

I've heard ugly radio hosts in LA talk about how they don't want them to procreate because Jay Z's face is less than stellar. First, off, step off Hova. Secondly, two pretty people have ugly children all the time. Look at Olivia Newton John's daughter Chloe. That chick looks like the cat lady. She looks like a cracked out blow fish. I'm sure she's nice, but she doesn't look like either of her parents.

Whenever B and Hov decided to have children, I'm sure they will look just fine. Either way, their parents will love them.