Wesley Snipes gets 3 years in Prison. Who the Hell Cares?

Wesley Snipes is going to prison for 3 years for tax evasion. Who the hell cares? While his celebrity friends wrote letters to the government trying to Free Willy, something was conspicuously missing from all of these letters. Wesley Snipes is a nice person. Not even his friends can say that with a straight face. Wesley Snipes is an asshole that black people have given up on long ago. He's a wife beater (see Halle Berry's deaf ear), he's difficult to work with (see his non vast selection of films to choose from though still as talented as he was in New Jack City, Mo Better Blues or White Men Can't Jump, etc) and he abandoned the sistas for an Asian Woman (also see Dave Chappelle).

You can not NOT pay your taxes. Even though paying taxes is not constitutional, there are not laws that say you MUST pay taxes and the Federal Reserve Bank is a private bank above the laws of this great land run by a bunch of shiesters. But I digress. Wesley Snipes is a jackass who tried to claim illegal alien status to get out of paying taxes. Is he for real? Did he really try to pull a Mexican. Pull a Shanghai? What a jackass. He'll get out just in time to make more B martial arts films. He considers Korea to be his second home. Is he for real? I lived in Korea. Wesley, they don't like darkies. Not even famous ones. (That might be a tad bit racist, but it's true.)

Fresh Snatch

Seriously people, are we now under the skirts of Emily Watson of Harry Potter fame. She just turned 18 thirty seconds ago and now we're plastered her newly legal snatch across the Internet. Paparazzi do you have no shame? Don't answer that. She has on panties, sheer panties, but panties just the same. I'm starting to think that Paparazzi is a synonym for pedophile or sexual predator. Where are the bathroom shots of male celebrities rocking out with their cocks out. Where's Justin Timberlake's penis? Where's Ashton Kutcher's dong? Penn Badgley's scrotum? Where's Chris Brown's schlong? Huh? Where are the equal opportunity pervert paparazzo? I'm sure people would pay good money to see Tyson Beckford's dick. Or Tom Cruise. Or Will Smith. No one is swinging the camera low shooting up their shorts. Fucking hypocrites.

UnderCover Lover

Dear UnderCover Lover, we're all grown and sexy here. I don't want you to be my boyfriend. I don't want you to be faithful. I don't want to talk on the phone with you all night or go to the movies. I don't want to hang out. I don't want you to take my car to get washed or cook me dinner. I don't want you to do my laundry or wash the dishes. We don't need to share our hopes and dreams. Our fears and doubts. I just want to sex you up. Biweekly as my schedule allows. Hard and strong, fast and good.

What I don't need to see is any evidence of your other women. I know they exist in the back of my mind. And I don't want to be exclusive, so that's fine. But I don't want to find their bra under your bed, their earring in your couch or their tampon applicator in your bathroom trash. I don't want to find their panties in your glove box. Seriously, ew. I don't want to run into these women in the bank, the grocery store, biology class, the gym or at work. I don't want them to be related to me, or know me, know of me, have heard of me, have breathed on me and vice versa.

Here's my only request. Don't shit where you eat. Simple and plain. Now feel free to fuck the billions of people I don't know on the other side of town, the state, the country, the world, the universe.

This is not rocket science.

Rice Cakes are for Pussies

No self respecting man eats rice cakes. Rice cakes are for pussies. Men eat meat and potatoes and beans. Men fart and scratch and throw their clothes on the floor. Men wear jeans five times before washing them. Men drive big gas gussling SUVs and flip people off and tell dirty jokes. Men wash the vagina juice off of their genitalia immediately after coitus and then proceed with the rest of their day of golf and bowling and drinking single malt whiskey. Men do not eat rice cakes. For god sakes man, man up.

You are too damn old to be a Gangster

You are too damn old to be a gangster. You have got to be kidding. You've been thugging what 20-25 years now? Its time to hang up the gat for a laptop or a golf club or a damn newspaper. Move your stupid ass out of the hood. Take care of your kids and use a damn condom so you won't have another one you can't afford. Take them Bebe's kids to a ballgame or a the museum or shit, to school. Go back to school your damn self. Dumb is not cute. Get a legal job. One where getting shot isn't an occupational hazard. Look for some upward mobility. Pay your bills. Take that grill out your damn mouth and brush your stanking ass teeth. Trade in them jerzees and white Ts for some real damn clothes. Sell them dumb ass 50K rims on that 98 dodge neon and buy you a volvo. Move your lazy ass out of your mama's house. You are not gangster. You are an idiot. You are fucking 40. Grow the hell up. Damn it.

Who the hell is Matthew Santos? (featuring Lupe Fiasco)

Who the hell is this Matthew Santos dude singing the hook for that Lupe Fiasco song "Superstar"? He is hot to death. I love his voice, and he makes that fricking song. Truth be told he sings a couple of hooks for Lupe. Move over Adam Levine from Maroon 5 and Chris Martin. This is raps new "white boy" (really he's Latino, well half anyway) hook bringer. What I want to know is when does his album drop? You need to cop that "The Cool" album from Mr. Fiasco. It's much more accessible than it's predecessor.

Okay, Food and Liquor was good, too. Maybe you're interested in Matthers of the Bittersweat by Santos. Your choice.

Homos faking Hetero

There has never been a better time on earth to be gay. Well, maybe back in early Greece or Rome. But it ain't too shabby now either. With gay representation on mainstream television like Will & Grace, The Real World, The L Word and anything on Bravo, you can't throw a stone at the remote without hitting some hot homo fashionista. Even the straight shows have the minority gay character to accompany their lonely black friend.

Now, what I don't understand is why some folks born after 1975 are still in the closet. Do you seriously think we don't know. You faking dates with women and making up fictitious "girlfriends" that live in Canada ain't foolin nobody. Come on out the closet, you're a corn holer or a rug muncher. It's okay, nobody cares. Let your freak flag fly. Stop lying to me about how you banged Susie last night. You are flaming. Flame on.

Natalie Portman is Gangsta, Bitch!

With all of these 25 worst rappers of all time lists floating around from people who are no more qualified to nominee anyone let alone judge the people they deem to be on it, I just want to take a step back to give credit where credit is due. Natalie Portman is gangta, bitch!! If you haven't seen the SNL skit of Natalie gangster rapping, youtube or hulu that shit. It's hilarious and I totally believe the delivery. Adam Sandberg tries to chime in with a weak ass chorus too late into the song, but other than that this performance is stellar. Who knew killing dogs for fun could sound so gangster? Michael Vick, but who else? Check it out.


Road Tripping

You hear it. The call of the open road. The mountains, the plains, the beach, the desert, the forest. It's all calling you. The motels, the truck stops, the lotto tickets, the state troopers, the dives, the zaney attractions. It's all there for the taking. Answer the call. Satisfy your wonderlust. Get your road dog and your vitamin water and your frapuccino and your ipod. Get in your Mustang or your Jetta or your Monte Carlo or your Vespa and get on that damn road. Go to Vegas or Atlanta or Chicago or Chaing Mai. Get the hell out of here. Your life is calling.

Alicia Keys is Racist

Okay, not really, but it sounds catchy, right? What she did do was speak out of turn in an interview, didn't bother to clarify, claimed to be misquoted and immediately started back tracking. Now she said something to the affect of "gangster rap is a ploy [by white music execs] to get black people to kill each other." I'm not going to debate whether or not any of that is true. What is up for debate is who she said it to and why she didn't state her intentions clearer. She spoke out of turn, in mixed company. Mixed company in this case being black and white, not men and women.

This is like Kanye West going on national TV stating that George Bush doesn't like black people. While hilarious and/or true, that was not perhaps the correct forum for that discussion. Mr. West later stated in one of his songs that he was talking on TV as if talking in a closed conversation to a room full of blacks. This is how I feel about Ms. Keys' comment.

She was speaking with implied knowledge that someone outside of the race and/or music industry (this does not include music journalists) would have no clue of the magnitude, significance, tongue and cheek, and inner workings of that statement. The fact that she said something so outlandish reminds me of the crazy musings of Denny Krane (Boston Legal) or Tracy Jordan (30 Rock). Though fictional characters, their crazy laments seem nutzo, but in the context of their character's world, they are quite rational. While Key's statement seems out of touch, with her inner knowledge of the workings of the music industry, perhaps to other artists and music industry professionals, her statement may seem dead on.

Or she's a whack job, your choice.

Signs that you might still be in love with your Ex

1. You hate their guts.

2. You still have sex with them.

3. You daydream about ways your new lover/mate will out-do them.

4. You still remember what their nether region looks like.

5. Most of your cell phones minutes are clocked on their phone number.

6. You think of new and inventive ways to sneak in a nonthreatening I love you.

7. You wouldn't be mad if you accidentally had their baby.

8. If they wanted to get back together, you would.

9. You answer their call no matter what you're doing (except sexing other people).

10. You hate their guts.

Ugly Babies

Why does everyone think their child, grandchild, niece and/or nephew is cute? I'm here to tell you they are not. This is like high school. Some of you are cute and some of you aren't, but here's the other thing about babies. Some of them will grow up to be cute adults like Rudy Huxtable and Punky Brewster and some of them will not like Macaulay Culkin. So, while you kid may be cute now, there is no guarantee that they'll stay that way. And just because your kid looks like a Gila monster doesn't mean they won't outgrow it and become beautiful. So, if you want to lament on how cute your child is, hold that thought. Call me when they're 18 or 21 or 30, THEN we'll see what's what.

Shut up and leave me Alone!!!!!!!

Why is it that when you're tired, you're also very cranky. I spend all my day talking and talking and talking to people. The last thing I want to do when I get home is talk to you. Get out of my face. I just walked in the door 30 seconds ago. This goes double for when I first wake up and when I first get into work. Give me a second to relax and ease into my day with some peace and quiet. Don't ask me any questions, don't give me any pop culture updates, i don't want the dead body report from the news. Just get out of my face and leave me be. I'm tired, and apparently cranky. And you're not talking about shit anyway.

A Tooth full of Wisdom

I'm having my wisdom teeth extracted and I am not excited about it. These teeth contain no wisdom. They have given me nothing but heartache and pain since their conception. I am looking forward to the high recovery and the time off work. I am not looking forward to the pain of recovery and the time to make up work. So, have a little sympathy for the woman that's about to be high and cracked out on Vicodin against her will. Boo hoo hoo.

Coffee makes you Poo

I don't know what it is about a cup of coffee that gets the ole intestines rolling. But coffee makes you poo-poo. Twenty minutes after a good cup of joe will send me to the bathroom to clean out my colon. I don't know why people are ever constipated. Caffeine is the cure. It hurry things right along. You didn't even know you had to go until you've had a cup of coffee or two. So, the next time you're on the porcelain throne praying for a miracle, take a break from the strain of breaking blood vessels in your face and percolate you a nice cup of Sanka. Plop, plop fizz fizz, now that's the ticket! Wait a minute ..... that's Alka Seltzer. Ah, screw it, you know what I mean.

Signs that you might be dating a Gigolo

1. He's way better at sex than you, and I don't mean marginally. I mean infinitely better than anyone you've ever heard of even through your girlfriends.

2. He uses positions you've never heard of. His standard missionary is called upside down reverse horseman. You don't know what that is do you?

3. He calls out plays during sex like a football coach. 69, 39, 89, doggie, froggie, tip drill, Paul Bunyun. Those are all real things.

4. You never kiss him because his mouth always tastes like pussy (or penis, depending...), and I don't mean yours.

5. He's gorgeous, but he's still interested in your undersmile or do dads.

6. If he doesn't have sex regularly, he will die.

7. He schedules you like a doctor's appointment.

8. His witty repartee is less than stellar.

9. He has a big penis and knows how to use it.

10. He hold lessons on how to do it every third Saturday of every month at $300/hr.

11. He obsessively grooms his pubic hair.

12. He charges you money for sex.

Avoid the pitfalls of dating a gigolo and/or enjoy the ride. Your choice.

For stories of real gigolos check out :



Mommy, Qiana is trying to Convert me, again

C: you know the difference between my profile and yours? my religious views statement doesn't leave me open to be converted by bible thumpers.

Q: lol...never thought about that...i dont even remember what i wrote..

C: you know i don't even like to be converted into proper bowling or the benefits of flu shots, you can only imagine how i feel about someone pushing their religion on me, and by the way, stop sending me those praise the lord, everyday is a blessing chain letters before i sic Jesus on you.

Q: go on 'head! sic Him on me! i loves the Lord. and if loving the Lord is wrong, i don't want to be right!

seriously though, you look at 'em as chain mail, but i believe in prayer. i'm not super religious or bible thumpin' by far (trust, i still have my heathen card in my wallet), but i believe that blessings come when folks take the time to pray. and i don't send those out to everyone. everyday is a blessing, cuz i managed to wake up when other folks around me didn't. maybe i'm more sensitive cuz i'm seeing sickness and death at the hospital...at any rate, its important for me to let those i love know i'm thinking about them...even when they're in california sinning with the best of them ;o)

C: stop sending me chain mail. i don't consider chain mail to be prayer. i consider it to be harrassment. respect my religious freedom. i don't need your chain mail blessings woman. i'm thinking of you, too, WITHOUT junking up your inbox with crap. i'm siccing Jesus on you and not the hot Jesus on the cross, but the vengeful you woke me up from nap Jesus, that I know and love.

be afraid, he's gon getcha.


Why do creepy guys always think they're charming? Why can their smile just make your skin crawl. The way their mouth is formed makes you want to vomit. It's not necessarily their appearance, but its how you feel about them in contrast to how they feel about you. Its the discrepancy. It's the unwanted attention of a sexual harasser. It the inappropriateness of the language and the content of their conversation. Its the imagined closeness that is all in their mind. Its the nicknames of honey and sweetheart and hotstuff. Its the shudder you feel when they touch you. Its all in their leer, the hovering over your desk, the standing just out of your line of vision. Its the adoration and the concentration and the worship and the fantasy. Its the eye undressing, the skin suit measurements, lotioning up at the bottom of a well.

I refuse to be stalked. Move the hell on before I have to shoot you. Seriously, don't make me have to stab a mother--.

Beyonce & Jay Z finally got Hitched

Good for them. They finally got married while managing to thwart most of the press. No pictures to reveal, no interviews. They got married pretty close to total secrecy. Why is everyone hating on this couple getting married?

I've heard ugly radio hosts in LA talk about how they don't want them to procreate because Jay Z's face is less than stellar. First, off, step off Hova. Secondly, two pretty people have ugly children all the time. Look at Olivia Newton John's daughter Chloe. That chick looks like the cat lady. She looks like a cracked out blow fish. I'm sure she's nice, but she doesn't look like either of her parents.

Whenever B and Hov decided to have children, I'm sure they will look just fine. Either way, their parents will love them.

Tyra Banks is an Idiot Genius

Tyra Banks has got to be the worst interviewer on the face of the planet. That is a given. She has one addictive show (America's Next Top Model) and one lowest common denominator show (The Tyra Banks Show). While Top Model may have lost a bit of its luster (last seasons winner is quite plain and boring), its infinitely more sophisticated than her talk show. Which begs the question, is Tyra's talk show serving her ultimate purpose, not to talk about the issues, but to give Tyra a format to talk about the thing that interests her the most, HERSELF. Tyra everything isn't about you. Hire some intelligent writers, formulate some real hard hitting questions and quit embarrassing yourself. Actually be interested in your guest and quit telling us about your life. We don't care.

Dustin Diamond is a Douchebag

Dustin Diamond holds so much emotional scarring from his days on Saved by the Bell, it is ridiculous. This man is so insecure and paranoid that he lashes out at anyone that gives him guff. The thing is you're Dustin freaking Diamond. Screech. Who isn't going to give you shit, dude? I'm sure growing up with the beautiful people : Mario Lopez, Lark Voorhees, Mark Paul Gosselaar, Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani Amber Thiessen, did not help your self esteem. I'm sure they were running around partying and fucking each other and leaving you off to the side to witness and not partake. I'm also sure every last one of them probably got paid more than you. Sure, that sucks, too. But life's not fair. Suck it up.

This is no reason to turn into the biggest asshole since Kanye West. Well, maybe it would make even Job cry, but what you need is some therapy. Some hard core 3 days a week therapy, and maybe a life coach. You are not cute enough to be an asshole and people still like you. And you expect your showmates to be on your side? Seriously? You're lazy and you use every opportunity to screw them over. I'm surprised they're even speaking to you.

And picking on poor Harvey. Sure, he's an asshole, too. But only to people who aren't trying and are acting like big babies. He's a marine drill sergeant. He's supposed to be an asshole. It's a part of his charm. But this is no cause to call him an anti-Semite. That isn't true. And calling your manager girlfriend just makes you look like a coward.

Don't even get me started on the dirty sanchez. Not only is the act in and of itself disgusting, but the giver of the sanchez is unworthy of that level of freakery. I can't even imagine how poo is sexy.

Dustin grow up and get it together.

Ray J is a Scumbag

Hopefully, by now, women have learned to stop making sex tapes. Why? People fall out of love, become spiteful bitches and leak the tape leaving the woman to look like a whore and the man to look like a stud -- no matter how pot bellied (Irv Gotti) and unimpressive (Ray J) his penis is. Then Ray J the dumbass goes on Tyra (don't even get me started) and isn't modest or regretful. He reveals to the world just how big of an asshole he is, and just how negatively living in the shadow of his much more talented sister, Brandy, has left him an attention seeking whore. Sexy can I? No, you may not.

Hate her or love her these are the facts on Kim Kardashian. She puts J-Lo's booty to shame. She put Armenian women on all black men's radar. And she severely upgraded from Ray J the lame to the sweet faced, wealthier, classier, bigger penised (I'm just guessing) New Orleans' Saint Reggie Bush. Two thumbs up, honey.

What I want to know is how are these tapes legally able to be mass produced without being sued successfully. The law should read that you have to have clearance from BOTH parties to release that tape. That's just common freaking sense. But no, this loop hole leaves women to be exploited in new and excited ways. I'm sorry, but I don't need to know what my favorite celebrities vagina looks like. That is too much information.

Ladies, leave a little something to the imagination.