Ode to the Nice Guys

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal (UPENN)

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

Radio Bastards!

There is no such thing as payola and if you believe that i have some fabulous swamp land you should purchase and build your house upon. Aparently at 2 o'clock everyday, KIIS FM or Power 106, I can't remember which because these days they sound exactly the same, plays new music ... everyday. So, all that good shit, that fabulous shit, that shit they should be playing, that shit you should be bumping, that new shit, that different shit, that underexposed shit, that underrated shit, that shit you ain't never heard before, that shit you ain't gon hear the rest of the day, all that shit is playing everyday at 2, while you're at work ... working ... or pretending to. The rest of the day they play the same 12 hot garbage ass songs to death. I am convinced this is one of the signs for the end of the world.

Eminem Sux!!!!

I was waiting for the comeback, but man I don't fucking know. He has released 2 singles and they are BOTH garbage. Now if I listen to the album and there is a track or 2 that is still fire, I might retract ... NO I WON'T!! Time is out for the old bait and switch. The let me release some garbage with a hook to get the folks that don't really like rap. After all this time, you're just releasing junk, junking up the airwaves. Boo to you, sir. Shame on you for squandering a talent others would kill for on that trivel you dare call music. A pox on your houses. You have just written your obituary. Your reign is now declared over. You have been removed from Mount Rapmore. I hope you're happy.


Folks is sleeping on Mims.  I bet only fricking LA is sleeping on Mims.  I bet NYC is pumping this Move song 24/7.  Mims has the rapping chops of Eminem and Kanye and the lyrical content of Nas meets Blackthought meets Lupe Fiasco.  But they not giving him no play on the radio.  I hear this song every once in a while.  It's too much gentrification on the radio.  How come they playing bullshit ass Poker Face on the black station (WTF?) every 30 seconds and I can't get no Mims Move?  What is the world coming to?  There is nothing wrong with segregated radio.  Nothing.  

What the Fuck Happened to Outkast?

What the fuck happened to Outkast? Dem down south mofos? Those anthem creators, those car bangers. Where them songs at? I'm listening to The Whole World right now and it just ain't the same as "me & you, yo mama and yo cousin too" or "don't you think I'm so sexy, I'm dressed so fresh so clean" or " if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit everybody let me hear you say oh yeayer!" They just went and got too weird and too P Funk or something. I guess Andre 3000 thought he was Ceelo. But what folks don't realize is Ceelo was ALWAYS that weird. Andre 3000 grew into being weird. It just isn't the same. I want my old Outkast back. Man am I kicking myself for not having gone to an Outkast concert before 2000. I ain't saying that folks can't grow, but grow into something good, grow into something better than you were, grow into something I actually want to listen to.

Poker Her What?

If I hear Pokerface one more time, I'm going to murder someone and I just might be first on the list. I HATE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!! It is so stupid. This chick is actually a classically trained musician who (though I have yet to see this) has talent to spare. But apparently there is no accounting for taste and/or lyrically content. I'm calling radio silence until they put some real shit on the air.

Flo Rida's Music is an Abomination!!!!

Flo Rida has apparently created a new genre of rap/pop (i used to think that pop/rock was a genre because in the record store they lumped pop and rock together. they should have just called it the white people section). I'm going to crown Flo Rida the king of this blasphemous cancerous freak of nature. How do you get rap / pop, you ask? Well, you take a hard core looking black dude from the hood with actual MC skills and you slather a sugary sweet cross over hook sung exclusively by white white women (and/or white sounding black chicks), steal hooks from the 80s and voila, you have radio garbage. Enjoy having your ears bleed.

Everything I Learned, I Learned from Anime

I shall not take credit for this. I found this on the interweb and thought it was funny.

War sucks.
You CAN have too many women.
Smart people wear glasses.
Music foreshadows plot.
The less you care about sex, the more opportunities you'll get.
(Inversely, the harder you try, the less you'll get.)
When you die, make a long speech, and don't finish the last sentence.
Snow means love.
The best teams come in fives.
In space, you can hear everything.
There's always room for flashbacks!
When in China, listen to your tour guide.
The good guy always has the BLUE glow.
Speak quietly, pilot a big mech.
Believe in goddesses.
Teachers have excellent aim with small objects.
Vengeance with a mallet is the sweetest revenge of all.
Honor is sexy; villainy is irresistible.
Women are attracted to losers; men are attracted to ANYTHING.
The coolest weapon is still the sword.
The hero is never really mad until they hurt his girlfriend.
Female androids are sexy; male androids are....male androids.
The green-haired alien girl will always betray her people for the man she loves.
School uniforms are cool only when the collar is open.
A show without sexual tension isn't worth watching.
Love knows no race, species, or logic.
If it's homemade but tastes bad, grin and bury it (discreetly).
Never trust a huge corporation.
Romance never comes simpler than in a triangle.
Never fall for the girl who names her mech with a French name.
Never fall in love with a psychic.
You can never have too much hair.
Sweating is a sure sign of stress.
Daydreaming leads to accidents.
Everyone wants to conquer Japan.
The cute, fuzzy creature isn't what it seems.
Cherry blossoms mean nostalgia.
Always take gravity into account.
Settings and faces are self-generating.
Losing your temper can be therapeutic.
There's nothing sexier than high heels on a mech.
You can never have too many subplots.
If she sings, she's doomed.
You always remember the sad endings.
Double suicide is romantic.
Outrageous vehicles only make the hero cooler.
Nothing delays romance like unruly neighbors.
Fancy ice cream is for girls only.
The most virtuous character will die.
Hot water has innumerable benefits.
No matter how much blood is lost, no one can die by a nosebleed.
(The same theory above applies to vomiting.)
The girl with the curly hair is always the seductress.
If a sister falls in love with her brother, somewhere down the line you will discover that they're not blood related.
The guy in the baseball cap is always more powerful than he seems.
All demons/monsters have enormous genitalia.
All young children can pilot mecha, you just need to give them a few days.
It is possible to incorporate martial arts into any aspect of life.
All high school kids in Japan have parents that are away on extended business trips.
The oldest sister is the nice one, the youngest sister is the brash one.
You can do anything to the human body as long as you hit the right pressure point.
Consuming enormous amounts of alcohol daily will never have ill effects.
All major villains either want to take over the world or blow it up.
When someone paints up their face, they mean business.
Everyone in Japan has excellent singing voices.
No matter how many times you rebuild, Tokyo keeps getting destroyed in a massive fireball.
The martial arts expert is always defenseless against a slap from the girl who loves him.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW 1: Food is a powerful motivator.
When women are sent out to fight the bad guys, there's always a hunk busily watching over them, often in secret.
The longer it takes to say what your punch is called, the less effective it is.
"Baka" does not mean a student going for his baccalaureate degree.
The more possessive a woman gets, the less likely she will end up with the man of her dreams.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW 2: The two-foot-tall old geezer is someone to be feared.
No matter how big the mech/labor/mobile suit is, if it runs around the corner, the guy chasing it loses the trail.
Extraterrestrial, demons, time travelers, etc. all want to alter the course of history by letting Oda Nobunaga win.
The fate of the planet rests in the hands of the seemingly normal high school student.
The heroine must shred her clothes while transforming into something to fight the bad guys.
True evil can never be destroyed, only banished to some nether realm where it awakes after a few hundred years.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW 3: When being hit on the head, it's the most natural thing in the world to tuck your third and fourth fingers in while keeping the others extended.
Even the bravest souls can be made weak and helpless by the sight of a cute little puppy or kitten.
Never love a Gundam pilot : you're just destined for disappointment (or a funeral).
All persons under the age of 50 can do a ten foot vertical jump from a standing position.
Never trust a guy with shiny teeth
ESP causes more trouble than it solves
The vampire isn't _always_ the bad guy
Nice things can come out of video stores that appear from nowhere
Idiot captains win battles against impossible odds
Order takeout at every opportunity--you might get lucky with a wrong number.
The police are never anywhere there is a large amount of property damage.
All high school principals in Japan are clinically insane.
All people with esper powers give off multicolored auras.
Just about any outer space villain has his sights set on destroying the Earth.
(in conjunction with #92) No other planet in the universe will be able to stop said villain except the Earth.
Any character can make a leap of 300 ft or more if given a good running start.
A samurai sword can cut through anything.
All characters over the age of 60 shrink in height in direct proportion to their age.
When uncovering a fabulous treasure, the thing will be large enough to completely destroy any surrounding structures.
TAKAHASHI'S LAW #4: An anti-climax is a good climax.
Anime villians have the best deaths.
Any love interest will always be possesed by a demon.
Mallets can be stored anywhere on anybody.
If the anime has the word "idol" in the title, then you know that it has to be good.
Takada Yumi really does sing that bad, and people still buy her CDs.
If you make enough porno movies, eventually you can get famous enough to star in commercials. "Iijima Ai desu! 'Manga manga no mori mori!!'"
There is no such thing as a public anime showing without heckling.
You can spot how popular a show is by looking at the number of H doujinshi it has.
The smartest people on r.a.a. never post, which is why the conference's overall IQ is so low.
If the lyrics to the OP song are printed on the screen, then you're watching a show that's not for your age group.
The sexiest girls are drawn by artists whose last names start with "U".
The English words in Jpop songs are put there only because they sound good, since they don't make any sense with the rest of the lyrics.
If you post on the MLs more than Hitoshi does, then you probably post too much.
The hero always loses the first fight with a new enemy.
The guys with two earrings are from the Negaverse.
Don't trust the guys with two earrings.
Any truly evil person who changes sides for the woman he loves will die in that episode.
You CAN do it, but only when it's funny or REALLY important.
You can never have too many carrots.
Hair comes in every shade of the rainbow - and we do mean pink, purple, blue, green....
The song "Cry Me a River" takes on a whole new meaning.