2009: A Year in Review

I'm so late on all types of news. Where was I when Van Jones was being skewered for no reason? fucking Glen Beck. People haven't put a hit on that dude yet? And where is this 9/11 Truth Petition so I can sign it? If you buy that a plane's entire fuselage embeds itself into the ground when shit that falls from space doesn't do that ... I got some swamp land for you. Why did Plaxico get 2 years for shooting HIMSELF? That's fucked up. What's the name of his lawyer? So, I'll know not to hire him. Cheney shot someone in the face with a shotgun and got an apology ... from the victim ... maybe if Plaxico would have apologized to himself. Many DUI fuckers get probation. Fucking Chris Brown wife beating ass got proby, Plaxico can't get proby and catch some passes? Racist as NY Post depicting Obama as a stimulus monkey. Then denying it. Take credit for your shenanigans, Post. Don't piss on me and tell me its raining. Don't fuck a 14 yr old & tell me its not you in the video R.Kelly. I'm not an idiot. I've seen cribs. Michael Jackson died. Really who didn't die this year? Heath Ledger couldn't have held on a year and died with everybody else in 2009? Tiger Woods is a sex fiend. Brittney Murphy liked too much coke or binging and purging, too soon to tell. Taylor Lautner took off his shirt one too many times and 30+ year old women everywhere became perverts. T.I. got out of jail early for good behavior. Weezy prepped to go in for bad. All in all an eventful year. You have to take the good with the bad. We all came out on the other side not being worse for wear. Let's make 2010 a little bit better.

Urine Facials

At the tender age of 30, I have developed acne. Great! Just in time for my prime time sexual peek. Nothing snags a hot model with a big wang like a face full of white heads. Nothing says don't you want to procreate with me like a face full of pock marks. But I digress. I went to the dermatologist who told me that I really didn't have enough acne to require prescription medication. I told him that was like only having a little syphilis. Not quite enough syph to require penicillin. He thought I was funny. I did not return the favor. So, he gave me a few samples of Differin - which in fact, made it worse. So, I stopped using it. I went through Ambi, Clearasil, Biore with varying degrees of success when I stumbled upon an epiphany while watching my Sunday morning reality shows. On one such VH1 gem, Confessions of a Teen Idol, Eric Nies (of Real World fame) the shows resident hippy was telling his cast mates (demonstrating actually) that pouring urine on your head keeps your hair healthy and shiny. "WHAT?!" You may ask. Yep, he poured pee on his hair. But I one up you Eric Nies. I remember when I was younger (say 17) my grandmother telling me that people used to rub their faces with baby diapers (sans poo) to clear up acne. Well, I don't have a baby and with this pepperoni face, I won't be having one either. I know sex clears it up, too (well, it does for me) but I'm not having enough of it for my clear skin to stick. So, I thought to myself, "What about regular ole pee?" I looked it up on google and there it was on like a wikipedia health page. Your pee is chocked full of stuff your face needs. Minerals and vitamins and crap that's good for your face. My first thought is why are we peeing it out in the first place if its so good. Well, you pee out any water soluble vitamin or mineral that you consume in excess, but that's as far as my 6 year old pre-med knowledge goes. What you do is take a cotton swab, hit your pee about mid-stream (after the toxins have already exited), wipe it on your face and let it sit for at least 10 minutes then wash it off. And you need that good old strong goldenrod pee, none of that water cleanse Zima looking pee. Do this when you first wake up and right before you go to bed. I swear its working. Don't ask me why I'm telling yall this. Cause its fucking funny. I bet none of R. Kelly's girlfriends have acne.

Oh, so you're not into pissing on your own face? Prude! Try the new Neutragena acne clearing system they're saying is better than Proactiv. I tried Proactiv and it broke my face out. I washed my face once with that Neutragena system and I have 4 huge monster zits go away. So, you tell me what's up. Well, I did that and ... R. Kelly slept over and he peed on my face. I'm just playing.