25 Random Things

1. Abnormally beautiful people are riddled with insecurities and extremely ugly people have unjustifiably high self esteem. I, on the other hand, have a self esteem level that is proportionate to my super fine-ness!

2. I discriminate against people not based on color, creed, sexual orientation or socio-economic background. I discriminate based on personality, stupidity, obnoxiousness levels, selfishness levels, meanness levels, rudeness levels, racist levels, whether or not you can drive, whether or not you laugh at my jokes, general ugliness and malaise, disproportionate self esteem, delusions of grandeur, secret keeping acuity, interesting conversation skills, personal hobbies, taste in music / movies / books (TV is a free for all), boudoir acrobatics, general hygiene, boringness quotient, etc, etc ad naseum

3. I travel a lot and do a certain amount of dirt where ever city that might be, and consequently have a multitude of friends that know certain things about me, but not a one that knows everything and I like it that way; hence, they will never meet.

4. I can see huge holes in your relationship before you can. Like years before. It's a sick gift. I won't give this knowledge out unsolicited. I will keep it to myself. So, don't ask if you don't want to know. I haven't been wrong yet. I've been reading people since 1993.

5. Men who shave their balls should not sleep with women (pornstars are exempt from this rule).

6. It should be illegal (punishable by a huge fine, mandatory jail time and that whatchamacallit that says you can't profit from your crime) to post, sell or distribute nude photographs and/or video taped sex acts of people without express consent of all parties on the tape. You may now dub this "Crystal's Law." (I just want a law named after me) But it really should be named "Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee's Law" or "Paris Hilton's Law" or "Kim Kardashian's Law" Stop exploiting women ya douchbag ex-boyfriend assholes.

7. It is often the people who don't think they're racist who are the most racist.

8. Every 100 years there are a whole new crop of people. Let's hope the next batch is better than the last.

9. Hotness, knows no race. It really comes down to some simple geometric equation of the symmetry of your face. If I did a time lapsed photo of the faces of an Indian, Caucasian, Japanese, African, Middle Eastern, Native American, Pacific Islander, Inuit, etc etc, they would all start to look the same.

10. Power absolutely corrupts. If you aren't personally corrupted, it will corrupt your relationships, it will corrupt how people deal with and view you.

11. Telling a funny joke to people who weren't there and still having it be funny is a measure of 3 things: 1) Your personal humor (is what you find funny ACTUALLY funny; 2) You story telling skills; 3) The audience (are you telling the right story to the right person?)

12. There is nothing Caucasian about having good grammar. That's a class (socio-economic/educational background) issue, not a racial one.

13. There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce if you put your all into the relationship and still had to take your lumps and eat humble pie. You are not a quitter. You're just human. There is no nobility in staying in a bad marriage. This is not 1953.

14. Behold the power of a tight firm ass. There is no greater turn off than an indistinguishable pancake-esque backside. Commence lunges and squats and stairmastering now.

15. What UCLA alum (and fellow Californians) don't want you to know is that over 50% of UCLA graduates started off their first 2 years at community college. Doesn't seem too prestigious now does it? I betcha Harvard isn't impressed by Santa Monica Community College transcripts (though I'm sure its a lovely school). Get off your fucking high horse ya Bruins.

16. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. NEVER. If you knew most people's problems, you wouldn't trade yours for theirs.

17. I know its wrong and very un-P.C., but I like using the word retarded as an adjective - not to describe mentally handicapped individuals, but to describe supposedly mentally adept individuals having a handicapped moment. Yes, I'm a bad person and I'm quite aware of my going-to-hell quotient. See you hypocrites there. It has been my experience than handicapped individuals do not want to be treated differently than everyone else and they have a wonderful sense of humor. You holier than though fuckers do not.

18. You are not as good in bed as you think you are. (This of course does not apply to me)

19. I am a very bad liar. I don't exercise this skill often enough to be good at it. I don't deem you important enough to lie to. Who are you to judge me? I could care less what you think. Telling the truth is much more interesting. If you want to lie, lie to the police. Lie on some life or death shit.

20. On the other hand, behold the power of a well placed, well thought out, reasonable lie. But make it good. Beware though because one lie leads to another like that 80s commercial that used to come on the Christian channel that for some reason reminds me of Rent.

21. I would rather have some average looking, highly intelligent kids, than some gorgeous dumb ones. You would be surprised on how many people would want it the other way. Lord help me if I have ugly dumb kids, please make me love them anyway.

22. You are not better or more important than anyone else. You're not. You only think you are. This is both an illusion and a delusion.

23. Religion is a highly personal and individual choice - the mechanisms of which should always be kept to yourself. Do not try to convert me. I will not respond kindly. This is only half true for politics.

24. Famous people never live up to your idea of them. You don't want to meet them. Be content to watch them on TV.

25. Everybody needs some me time. Some of us need more than others. Be aware of how much time your significant other and close friends need and act accordingly. Hopefully, you'll get the same consideration.